Kassie-Second Entry
I am well. It was a hectic day yesterday. Hollie had to come out and clean, as the maintenance men had to be called to come fix the toilet and the refrigerator and put a new light in the kitchen. They have come and gone now. Mallow wasn't too happy that they were here. I was nervous I admitt. It went okay and they weren't here long. They were able to fix it all so that is good.
Sierra was here early today. The glasses broke last night while Alex was cleaning them, right in a place that is hard to fix. Being as the body and we can't see much at all without glasses, this is a big issue. Sierra was able to come out last night and use a twist tie and some hot glue gun to temporarily repair the glasses. She called the place we got them at. Unfortunatly the warantee expired like 5 months ago. So she had to call different places trying to find someone open in the next few days (with new years everyone is closed) who can hopefully put the existing lenses in new frames. Otherwise the expense will be about 60$ higher as well as they will need the existing lenses perhaps which is a problem. As we seriously can't see without glasses on. We wouldn't be able to do anything but sit on the couch, the eyes are that bad. I dunno what Sierra worked out. I assume she'll tell Nathan when he gets home from work later and then he'll tell me. At least Sierra was able to rig them temporarily, i'm thankful about that for sure. So that has been the excitement of the day.
Kathryn just does it if she happens to come out and the body is too full for her liking. It was quite a surprise to everyone here it seems as well throwing up is a trigger here.
I am learning everyday about the world, and am settling in well. I didn't get anything but a few movies for christmas as I really want a guitar and we were unable to find a good used one. So I decided to wait until we can find one.
I have watched many movies since my first entry here. I have also read good books. I am currently about to start Charles Dickens first novel, The Pickwick Papers.
I enjoy life. I enjoy the time I get out here, and hope to get here more often. I am new to journaling and such, and haven't written or read any of the messages at that journalwriting group as I feel like an intruder.
Have a delightful day!
Sincerely,
Kassie
Friday, December 30, 2005
a Multiple's christmas
A Multiples Christmas
Written By Alex--
When You Are Part Of A Multiple System Time Gets Interesting On Special Days.
Christmas Is I Hear (This Was My First One) Are Notoriously Difficult. I Am TOld On A WHole This ONe IS One Of The Best Ever.
Christmas Presents Take Hours To Open As There Are Gifts For Many Souls, And Groups Of SOuls (Littles, Betweens, Teens, Adults)
There Is Much Excitment and Fear Over Past Memories. Some Had There First Happy CHristmas Some Like Me The First Christmas Ever. There Are Gifts Of ALl SOrts Really. For Every Age Group. Toys Such As Barbies, Dolls, Blocks, And Stuffies For Littles. Age Appropriate Computer Games, Books, Games For Betweens, Teens Got Mostly Art Stuff, And Journals Of There Own. The Adults Get Books MOstly. Really It IS More About Getting The Rest Of The System Stuff Than Ourselves This Year (money Being Tight)
I Am Not One Who Is Big On Mushy Things, But The Joy Felt When A Little Opens A GIft Through There Fear When The Last Gift They Got Was A Brick And Discovers Just What They Wanted Is A Joy That SUrpasses All Else.
I Didn't Really Understand The Thought Heidi Said To Me Before Christmas, That ALthough many People Forget, Christmas Is About Giving. I understand That Now.
Below Is A List Of Books We All Got. They Are Mixed Together. Not Sure If ANyone Here Who Reads This (Does Anyone Read This?) COuld Tell What Books Are For Who, But many Of Us Adults Who Write In The Journal Group Are Represented. (easiest To Pick out Are Probably The Ones Heidi Got, Who Is Our Mythology, Religon Soul)
CHristmas Dinner goes Like This: Sierra Spends All Day Alternating Between COoking And ALlowing Littles To Play With There Stuff, And Resting Inside. Kassie And I Watch What Is Going On From An Unnamed Location, There Is Lots Of Switching To play, Cook, And Be Sure We Get To Stay Here, And That Here Is Really This House And NOt Back then (As Many Put It), When DInner Is Ready Starting With The Littles Everyone Gets One bite Of Each Food Dish. When The Stomach Is Full That Is It, And The Process Starts All Over The Next Day For Leftovers Until Everyone Has Tried Some. (Or All Who Want To).
Sierra Got A Beautiful Hand made Gift From The LIttles And Betweens In The System, But That IS Her Story To Tell Not Mine.
Meanwhile Life Clears Somewhat, And Days Are Not Such A Foggy Blur.
Amazing It Is That Although There Can Be A Crisis In The System, There Is Functioning, Things Get Done (Mostly) And The System Gets Through. I Suppose That Is The Very Purpose Of Being Multiple.
I think Of The Littles Inside, I See Them And I Can't Fathom How And Adult COuld Be So Horrid And Enjoy Those Sorts Of Things, How Fucking Sick Is That? I Don't Have To Be All Buddy Buddy WIth Littles (And I'm Not) To See How Wrong And Fucked Up That Was.
I'd Like To End This With A Message To One Of The Bastard Abusers Of So many Little Ones In The System: Your A Bastard may You Rot And Get Your Dues Tenfold In Everlasting Hell.
Douglas Preston And Lincoln Childs- Relic, And Reliquary
Ray Garton-The Loveliest Dead
Margaret Murphy- Darkness Falls
Tim Lebbon-Berserek
Rob Palmer-No Time To Hide
Stephen King- Pet Cemetary, Carrie, Thinner, Firestarter, Salem's Lot, And Tommyknocker's
The Bhagavad-Gita
Wisdom Of The Elders
The Buddha
A LIttle House On The Prarie
Secret Garden
A Bobbsey Twins
Black Beauty
An Assortment Of Young Kid's Book
Starlight Barking (Book That Is The Basis For 101 Dalmations)
A BabySitters Club
Treasure Island
Richard Laymon- In The Dark
Terry Brooks- The Scions Of Shannara
Sharon Green-Amazon Warrior Jalav 1 Crystals Of Mida
Mary Ann Mitchell-Sips of Blood
Graham Masterson-The House That Jack Built
Joe McGinniss- Cruel Doubt
Taylor Smith-Liar's Market
And Last But Not Least
Anne Rule In The name Of Love And Other True Cases
Written By Alex--
When You Are Part Of A Multiple System Time Gets Interesting On Special Days.
Christmas Is I Hear (This Was My First One) Are Notoriously Difficult. I Am TOld On A WHole This ONe IS One Of The Best Ever.
Christmas Presents Take Hours To Open As There Are Gifts For Many Souls, And Groups Of SOuls (Littles, Betweens, Teens, Adults)
There Is Much Excitment and Fear Over Past Memories. Some Had There First Happy CHristmas Some Like Me The First Christmas Ever. There Are Gifts Of ALl SOrts Really. For Every Age Group. Toys Such As Barbies, Dolls, Blocks, And Stuffies For Littles. Age Appropriate Computer Games, Books, Games For Betweens, Teens Got Mostly Art Stuff, And Journals Of There Own. The Adults Get Books MOstly. Really It IS More About Getting The Rest Of The System Stuff Than Ourselves This Year (money Being Tight)
I Am Not One Who Is Big On Mushy Things, But The Joy Felt When A Little Opens A GIft Through There Fear When The Last Gift They Got Was A Brick And Discovers Just What They Wanted Is A Joy That SUrpasses All Else.
I Didn't Really Understand The Thought Heidi Said To Me Before Christmas, That ALthough many People Forget, Christmas Is About Giving. I understand That Now.
Below Is A List Of Books We All Got. They Are Mixed Together. Not Sure If ANyone Here Who Reads This (Does Anyone Read This?) COuld Tell What Books Are For Who, But many Of Us Adults Who Write In The Journal Group Are Represented. (easiest To Pick out Are Probably The Ones Heidi Got, Who Is Our Mythology, Religon Soul)
CHristmas Dinner goes Like This: Sierra Spends All Day Alternating Between COoking And ALlowing Littles To Play With There Stuff, And Resting Inside. Kassie And I Watch What Is Going On From An Unnamed Location, There Is Lots Of Switching To play, Cook, And Be Sure We Get To Stay Here, And That Here Is Really This House And NOt Back then (As Many Put It), When DInner Is Ready Starting With The Littles Everyone Gets One bite Of Each Food Dish. When The Stomach Is Full That Is It, And The Process Starts All Over The Next Day For Leftovers Until Everyone Has Tried Some. (Or All Who Want To).
Sierra Got A Beautiful Hand made Gift From The LIttles And Betweens In The System, But That IS Her Story To Tell Not Mine.
Meanwhile Life Clears Somewhat, And Days Are Not Such A Foggy Blur.
Amazing It Is That Although There Can Be A Crisis In The System, There Is Functioning, Things Get Done (Mostly) And The System Gets Through. I Suppose That Is The Very Purpose Of Being Multiple.
I think Of The Littles Inside, I See Them And I Can't Fathom How And Adult COuld Be So Horrid And Enjoy Those Sorts Of Things, How Fucking Sick Is That? I Don't Have To Be All Buddy Buddy WIth Littles (And I'm Not) To See How Wrong And Fucked Up That Was.
I'd Like To End This With A Message To One Of The Bastard Abusers Of So many Little Ones In The System: Your A Bastard may You Rot And Get Your Dues Tenfold In Everlasting Hell.
Douglas Preston And Lincoln Childs- Relic, And Reliquary
Ray Garton-The Loveliest Dead
Margaret Murphy- Darkness Falls
Tim Lebbon-Berserek
Rob Palmer-No Time To Hide
Stephen King- Pet Cemetary, Carrie, Thinner, Firestarter, Salem's Lot, And Tommyknocker's
The Bhagavad-Gita
Wisdom Of The Elders
The Buddha
A LIttle House On The Prarie
Secret Garden
A Bobbsey Twins
Black Beauty
An Assortment Of Young Kid's Book
Starlight Barking (Book That Is The Basis For 101 Dalmations)
A BabySitters Club
Treasure Island
Richard Laymon- In The Dark
Terry Brooks- The Scions Of Shannara
Sharon Green-Amazon Warrior Jalav 1 Crystals Of Mida
Mary Ann Mitchell-Sips of Blood
Graham Masterson-The House That Jack Built
Joe McGinniss- Cruel Doubt
Taylor Smith-Liar's Market
And Last But Not Least
Anne Rule In The name Of Love And Other True Cases
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Thoughts of many written by one
Thoughts of many written here by one
*Note: When A bunch of people are talking to you it is hard to make sense of things. As a direct result this post will jump from topic to topic more than usual.
I read emails from the journal groups, and can't reply. Days go by without knowledge, even weeks.
Time is nonexistent in a way only experienced during the holiday seasons of this time of year and *aster. It is impossible for me to explain that. The best I can do is when you go to work and suddenly it is time to go home at night, only here suddenly it is a new day or week. Life can seem like a big game of catch up. Catching up to what is going on in the world, in the house, with N and with the others in the system.
We each when struggling tend to isolate and shut down the fragile lines of communication we fought and worked so hard for. Each struggling alone, when the struggles could be shared. Quite ashame, though It never occurs to many of us that we could share our struggles, the instinct is to go it alone.
Somehow we move forward, life moves forward. Someone in the system, no a bunch of someones working sort of together and sort of not, keep things going.
Shopping for the littles, betweens, teens in the system is done and gifts await wrapping.
Though a difficult time for reasons not necessary to go into (who wants to hear about that crap? NOBODY!) , the innocent joy the littles express through their pain, and memories is amazing. Their belief that people are good, and that their is a Santa Claus is something I can't understand. They speak I think to the fragility of a human, and yet moreso and more importantly to the resilency of the human spirit. Given no choice but death, it is truly amazing what a human can live through.
This time of year I am reminded that life is a gift, life is a special gift, one that we in the system have fought for. At A time and on a day that has been extra difficult I read an email from a journal group that spawned this entry and reminded me that life is a gift, that you have to fight for your own small bits of happiness. Not the happiness of winning a lottery, or the happiness of having a perfect life, but the small joys in life. Seeing the wonder of snow, being able to wake up and have another day, the undying love of pets, the joy at the small things in life. It is the small joys that make this continued battle worth it. The joy when a little smiles, The joy when someone eats for the first time, or is told they never have to stand in the corner again, joy in learning the name of a traumatized terrified little, the joy of making the holiday different enough that a special little is willing to come out at all. There are many things that keep you down, if you let them. There are many reasons to never get out of bed ever again. And somedays that is all you can do. Get through the day however you can, but days you can celebrate life, do it. Don't let life keep you down. A quote one particularly strong soul in the system says quite often is "If life knocks you down 7 times stand up 8."
Some people out there probably take pity on us, or feel sorry for us. For the childhood we had, and the type of life we lead. Do not. We are lucky to be multiple. It is a gift in my eyes. The gift of life, the gift of the body being able to live. You can't imagine life this way. I can't imagine life any other way. I feel badly for people who feel every feeling. The idea of that is totally silly and foreign to me. How is it possible? Some people who are multiple even view it as some terrible thing, it isn't. It saved the body. It was a wonderful gift at a time when there was no other choice.
My wish for the world is that they stop and count there blessings. Don't take life and time for granted. Do what you want to do as much as you can. Life is too precious to waste away running around. People grow up and loose sight of the miracles all around them, they concentrate on getting Billy to soccer, and getting dinner on the table. Time is what you make of it. Make it what you want as often as possible.
*Note: When A bunch of people are talking to you it is hard to make sense of things. As a direct result this post will jump from topic to topic more than usual.
I read emails from the journal groups, and can't reply. Days go by without knowledge, even weeks.
Time is nonexistent in a way only experienced during the holiday seasons of this time of year and *aster. It is impossible for me to explain that. The best I can do is when you go to work and suddenly it is time to go home at night, only here suddenly it is a new day or week. Life can seem like a big game of catch up. Catching up to what is going on in the world, in the house, with N and with the others in the system.
We each when struggling tend to isolate and shut down the fragile lines of communication we fought and worked so hard for. Each struggling alone, when the struggles could be shared. Quite ashame, though It never occurs to many of us that we could share our struggles, the instinct is to go it alone.
Somehow we move forward, life moves forward. Someone in the system, no a bunch of someones working sort of together and sort of not, keep things going.
Shopping for the littles, betweens, teens in the system is done and gifts await wrapping.
Though a difficult time for reasons not necessary to go into (who wants to hear about that crap? NOBODY!) , the innocent joy the littles express through their pain, and memories is amazing. Their belief that people are good, and that their is a Santa Claus is something I can't understand. They speak I think to the fragility of a human, and yet moreso and more importantly to the resilency of the human spirit. Given no choice but death, it is truly amazing what a human can live through.
This time of year I am reminded that life is a gift, life is a special gift, one that we in the system have fought for. At A time and on a day that has been extra difficult I read an email from a journal group that spawned this entry and reminded me that life is a gift, that you have to fight for your own small bits of happiness. Not the happiness of winning a lottery, or the happiness of having a perfect life, but the small joys in life. Seeing the wonder of snow, being able to wake up and have another day, the undying love of pets, the joy at the small things in life. It is the small joys that make this continued battle worth it. The joy when a little smiles, The joy when someone eats for the first time, or is told they never have to stand in the corner again, joy in learning the name of a traumatized terrified little, the joy of making the holiday different enough that a special little is willing to come out at all. There are many things that keep you down, if you let them. There are many reasons to never get out of bed ever again. And somedays that is all you can do. Get through the day however you can, but days you can celebrate life, do it. Don't let life keep you down. A quote one particularly strong soul in the system says quite often is "If life knocks you down 7 times stand up 8."
Some people out there probably take pity on us, or feel sorry for us. For the childhood we had, and the type of life we lead. Do not. We are lucky to be multiple. It is a gift in my eyes. The gift of life, the gift of the body being able to live. You can't imagine life this way. I can't imagine life any other way. I feel badly for people who feel every feeling. The idea of that is totally silly and foreign to me. How is it possible? Some people who are multiple even view it as some terrible thing, it isn't. It saved the body. It was a wonderful gift at a time when there was no other choice.
My wish for the world is that they stop and count there blessings. Don't take life and time for granted. Do what you want to do as much as you can. Life is too precious to waste away running around. People grow up and loose sight of the miracles all around them, they concentrate on getting Billy to soccer, and getting dinner on the table. Time is what you make of it. Make it what you want as often as possible.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Bits Of A Journal Entry
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I Haven't Been Writing Much At All Lately. I Haven't Felt I Had Anything To Say. Time For Me Has Been Quite Mixed Up. I Get Out Here Earlier Now That Kassandra Is The Front Person. It Is Usually Somewhere Between 9 And 10. I Get A Bit Of Time And Then Loose Time As Well. Before I Know It The Body Is Ready For Bed.
It Is Strange Perhaps That The Two Souls Out Most These Days Are Me And My Sister Kassandra, And Yet We Are Quite New To The System. According To Those Inside In The Know, It Has Always Been That Way. People Created Specially To Be Out And When They Can For Whatever Reason Do The Job No Longer New Ones Are Created To Take Over. Now That The Multiplicity Isn't Hidden It IS More Like Kassandra Does Things. Though Unlike The Other Fronts, She Doesn't Mind Switching, Doesn't Fight It, And Is Easy Going (Quite Opposite Me In Other Words)
I Haven't Been Writing Much At All Lately. I Haven't Felt I Had Anything To Say. Time For Me Has Been Quite Mixed Up. I Get Out Here Earlier Now That Kassandra Is The Front Person. It Is Usually Somewhere Between 9 And 10. I Get A Bit Of Time And Then Loose Time As Well. Before I Know It The Body Is Ready For Bed.
It Is Strange Perhaps That The Two Souls Out Most These Days Are Me And My Sister Kassandra, And Yet We Are Quite New To The System. According To Those Inside In The Know, It Has Always Been That Way. People Created Specially To Be Out And When They Can For Whatever Reason Do The Job No Longer New Ones Are Created To Take Over. Now That The Multiplicity Isn't Hidden It IS More Like Kassandra Does Things. Though Unlike The Other Fronts, She Doesn't Mind Switching, Doesn't Fight It, And Is Easy Going (Quite Opposite Me In Other Words)
Friday, November 11, 2005
Hi i'm Kassandra
Hi i'm Kassandra, I'm the new front person in the system.
That means I'm out in the body when nobody else is. I do the day to day things, walking the dog, feeding the
body, showering, etc. Sierra has been acting front for a bit, but is inside currently spending time with littles of the system. I am learning about life. I have discovered I enjoy walking. I just love the feel and smell of a breeze, along with all the sights and sounds outside. Inside there are no sounds other than all the people. I also enjoy watching old movies. I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's just this morning. Does anyone have any good old movies to suggest to me? I picked 2 books out at the library. A LaVyrle Spencer, and The Marvelous Land of Oz. The first Oz book I am hoping to find through the library website to put on hold.
Sincerly,
Kassandra
That means I'm out in the body when nobody else is. I do the day to day things, walking the dog, feeding the
body, showering, etc. Sierra has been acting front for a bit, but is inside currently spending time with littles of the system. I am learning about life. I have discovered I enjoy walking. I just love the feel and smell of a breeze, along with all the sights and sounds outside. Inside there are no sounds other than all the people. I also enjoy watching old movies. I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's just this morning. Does anyone have any good old movies to suggest to me? I picked 2 books out at the library. A LaVyrle Spencer, and The Marvelous Land of Oz. The first Oz book I am hoping to find through the library website to put on hold.
Sincerly,
Kassandra
Friday, November 4, 2005
Amusing prompt replies
Amusing Prompt Replies-Alex
I'm Amusing Myself By Answering Some Prompts. Chances Are The Only People Who Will Laugh Are Other Berriez.
If an ATM could be custom created for you, what would it spew out instead of money?
Did That. It Spews Out Souls. Anyone Know Where The Plug Is For An ATM?
This is what was left behind.......
A Boat Load Of Souls.
"How do you keep making the lights go on and off?
Fuck Do I Wish I Knew. Happens With The Tv, And Computer As Well. You Mean I'm Supposed To Need A Switch To Turn The Lights Off?
"How many homes have you had?
Good Fucking Question.
Surviving twilight.......
By Switching Into A Bunch Of Souls, Then Creating Some New Ones, Followed By Hiding In The Nearest Tiny Ass Space.
What day would you like to relive, over and over?
Well Fuck I Always Live The Same Day Over. You Mean You Don't?
List 10 things you do when you procrastinate
I'll Get To This One Later, I'm Too Busy To Answer, I Can't Be Bothered Right Now, I Don't Feel Like It, I Think I'll Have A Snack, The Dog Needs Walked, Wow That's My Favorite Movie On Tv, Yawn Nap Time, The Cat Is Blocking The Screen, I Think I'll Read Instead
I'm Amusing Myself By Answering Some Prompts. Chances Are The Only People Who Will Laugh Are Other Berriez.
If an ATM could be custom created for you, what would it spew out instead of money?
Did That. It Spews Out Souls. Anyone Know Where The Plug Is For An ATM?
This is what was left behind.......
A Boat Load Of Souls.
"How do you keep making the lights go on and off?
Fuck Do I Wish I Knew. Happens With The Tv, And Computer As Well. You Mean I'm Supposed To Need A Switch To Turn The Lights Off?
"How many homes have you had?
Good Fucking Question.
Surviving twilight.......
By Switching Into A Bunch Of Souls, Then Creating Some New Ones, Followed By Hiding In The Nearest Tiny Ass Space.
What day would you like to relive, over and over?
Well Fuck I Always Live The Same Day Over. You Mean You Don't?
List 10 things you do when you procrastinate
I'll Get To This One Later, I'm Too Busy To Answer, I Can't Be Bothered Right Now, I Don't Feel Like It, I Think I'll Have A Snack, The Dog Needs Walked, Wow That's My Favorite Movie On Tv, Yawn Nap Time, The Cat Is Blocking The Screen, I Think I'll Read Instead
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Book-part of a personal journal entry
Book, Part Of Personal Journal Entry
I Haven't Been Writing Much At All Lately. A Bit Here A Tad There. I Mentioned It To _______, She Said That It Isn't Uncommon To Go Through Times When Words Won't Come, Or Just Can't Be Shaken Loose From The Head.
That Is I Suppose What My Problem Has Been, Both Those Things. The Words Haven't Been Coming And Those That Do I Can't Seem To Get Down.
I Have To Admitt, My Urge To Read Lately Has Been Quite Strong. I Do That Most Of The Time I Am Out Here. I Watch Roseanne, And Simpsons. Other Than That I Read. I've Read 4 Of The 12 Books I Borrowed From The Library.
I Just Finished One Tonight. It Was Quite Good. I'll Be Looking Sometime To See If There Are Any Others Of The Authors I Can Get My Hands On.
Paradise City, Lorenzo Carcaterra- This Was An Excellent Book. Fast Paced, Well Written. A Crime/ Suspence Book. It Is About A Detective Who Lived His Early Years In New York City. His Father Is Killed And He Moves With His Mother And Sister To Naples. He Fights A Crime Family, A Branch Of The Mob, The Camorista. The Kidnapping Of His Neice Forces Him To Return To New York For The Biggest Battle Of His Life, Where He Forced To Have A Partner. The Book Had A Good Ending, And A Few Surpises. Would Read Again, And Recommend.
I Don't Think I Wrote About The Birthday Of The Body. Nathan Took Many Shopping. I Was Asked TO Come Out At This Book Store. They Had A Clearance Section Where Books Were A Dollar For Paperbacks And 2-3$ For Hardbacks.
I Got 3 James Patterson, Including The Lack House And Two Alex Crosses. I Also Got A Few John Sauls, Some Patricia Cornwell, And Something Fantasy Type I Can't Recall.
They Still Bring Home Books They Bought At The Library, Space On The BooksShelf Is Quite Hard To Come By.
I'll Pick A New Book Out To Read Later.
The Suicidals Have Calmed Down Somewhat. I Finally Spoke To Eaglewings About It, And She Gave Them Some Calming Stuff. I Also Took A Nap Inside. My First Inside Sleeping Experience. Much Easier To Sleep Inside, And I Didn't Wake Up Once. Even Though It Was The Ground It Was Quite Comfortable.
Nathan Had Seemed Shocked When I Told Him I Never Sleep Inside. My Nap Was Short But Very Refreshing.
Alex
I Haven't Been Writing Much At All Lately. A Bit Here A Tad There. I Mentioned It To _______, She Said That It Isn't Uncommon To Go Through Times When Words Won't Come, Or Just Can't Be Shaken Loose From The Head.
That Is I Suppose What My Problem Has Been, Both Those Things. The Words Haven't Been Coming And Those That Do I Can't Seem To Get Down.
I Have To Admitt, My Urge To Read Lately Has Been Quite Strong. I Do That Most Of The Time I Am Out Here. I Watch Roseanne, And Simpsons. Other Than That I Read. I've Read 4 Of The 12 Books I Borrowed From The Library.
I Just Finished One Tonight. It Was Quite Good. I'll Be Looking Sometime To See If There Are Any Others Of The Authors I Can Get My Hands On.
Paradise City, Lorenzo Carcaterra- This Was An Excellent Book. Fast Paced, Well Written. A Crime/ Suspence Book. It Is About A Detective Who Lived His Early Years In New York City. His Father Is Killed And He Moves With His Mother And Sister To Naples. He Fights A Crime Family, A Branch Of The Mob, The Camorista. The Kidnapping Of His Neice Forces Him To Return To New York For The Biggest Battle Of His Life, Where He Forced To Have A Partner. The Book Had A Good Ending, And A Few Surpises. Would Read Again, And Recommend.
I Don't Think I Wrote About The Birthday Of The Body. Nathan Took Many Shopping. I Was Asked TO Come Out At This Book Store. They Had A Clearance Section Where Books Were A Dollar For Paperbacks And 2-3$ For Hardbacks.
I Got 3 James Patterson, Including The Lack House And Two Alex Crosses. I Also Got A Few John Sauls, Some Patricia Cornwell, And Something Fantasy Type I Can't Recall.
They Still Bring Home Books They Bought At The Library, Space On The BooksShelf Is Quite Hard To Come By.
I'll Pick A New Book Out To Read Later.
The Suicidals Have Calmed Down Somewhat. I Finally Spoke To Eaglewings About It, And She Gave Them Some Calming Stuff. I Also Took A Nap Inside. My First Inside Sleeping Experience. Much Easier To Sleep Inside, And I Didn't Wake Up Once. Even Though It Was The Ground It Was Quite Comfortable.
Nathan Had Seemed Shocked When I Told Him I Never Sleep Inside. My Nap Was Short But Very Refreshing.
Alex
Monday, October 17, 2005
Heidi's First post
I'm Heidi. I have been told about the existence of this blog by Sierra, as well as a few others in the system.
Some of you from the journalwriting group may recognize my name. Hi to those of you. Hi to those I don't know as well.
I hope everyone reading this finds themselves well.
I'm 23 currently. Some parts of the year I am 24. Strange I realize. I have always been those ages.
I am one of the early souls in the system. Not the first. Don't mistake my words. I have been around for a long time however.
I had a quite different job/role/function back then. I watched what happened. For a long time I thought I was an angel, sent to watch these children go through things. I don't recall actually learning that was not the case at some specific moment. I think it was more of a gradual realization.
I don't carry feelings. I couldn't have been a witness, if I had feelings about it. If anyone was able to hear me speak aloud, I am told I speak in a monotone.
I know a lot about the system, about what went on.
Some therapists and 'experts' say I am what is called a memory trace. I am on the fence about that, because there are souls in the system I have no clue what they have gone through. I think there are more than one memory trace type souls here. I have only part of the memories dealing with specific person(s)
I have been away inside for some unknown to me length of time, dealing with 2 teen bullies in the system. Bullies are never easy to deal with, and rationalize with. I have made progress.
I hope to be out here a bit more in the times coming. I would like to read the past entries here.
For now I close and post. Not being out for awhile, leaves one tiring quickly out here.
In Peace,
Heidi
Some of you from the journalwriting group may recognize my name. Hi to those of you. Hi to those I don't know as well.
I hope everyone reading this finds themselves well.
I'm 23 currently. Some parts of the year I am 24. Strange I realize. I have always been those ages.
I am one of the early souls in the system. Not the first. Don't mistake my words. I have been around for a long time however.
I had a quite different job/role/function back then. I watched what happened. For a long time I thought I was an angel, sent to watch these children go through things. I don't recall actually learning that was not the case at some specific moment. I think it was more of a gradual realization.
I don't carry feelings. I couldn't have been a witness, if I had feelings about it. If anyone was able to hear me speak aloud, I am told I speak in a monotone.
I know a lot about the system, about what went on.
Some therapists and 'experts' say I am what is called a memory trace. I am on the fence about that, because there are souls in the system I have no clue what they have gone through. I think there are more than one memory trace type souls here. I have only part of the memories dealing with specific person(s)
I have been away inside for some unknown to me length of time, dealing with 2 teen bullies in the system. Bullies are never easy to deal with, and rationalize with. I have made progress.
I hope to be out here a bit more in the times coming. I would like to read the past entries here.
For now I close and post. Not being out for awhile, leaves one tiring quickly out here.
In Peace,
Heidi
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I Don't Know Much At All About The Bodies Past. In Fact I Know Almost Nothing. I Came Into Existence On June 4 Of This Year.
I Recall My Birth. That Is Where My Memory Begins. I Was Born With What I Refer To As A Knowledge Bank. I Think Of It Like A Big Room That Has Words, And A Variety Of Other Things Stored In It. When Someone Says Something, It Often Takes A Brief Moment For Me To Be Able To Check My Files.
I Was Born Knowing What My Job/Role In The System Is. What My Jobs Are. I Have A Variety Of Them.
Many In The System Have Knowledge And Memories Of What I Call There Lives Before. I Know Bad Things Happened, I Know The Name Of One Person Who Did Things. I Don't Know Details. I Don't Have Memories Myself.
I Don't Have Triggers Either. Triggers In The Patch Are Those Seemingly Innocent Things That Give A Strong Reaction. I Know What Some Of The Other Souls Triggers Are. I Often Find Myself Out Here When Someone Has Been Triggered.
I Definatly Hold Some Anger. That Is The Only Feeling I Have. I Feel The Bodies Pain But Don't Feel Overly Connected To Or Bothered By It.
I Lack Life Experience. This Will Be My First Autumn, And Holiday Season. I Just Experience The First Celebration Of What They Call Bodyday.
This Is The Life I Know. I Can't Imagine Being The Only Person Inside. I Don't Understand Because Where Does A Singleton Go When They Aren't Here? What Do They Have Inside There Head? Do They Still Hear Comments In There Head, But The Comments Are In The One Voice? I Can't Imagine Feeling A Range Of Feelings Or Doing Everything For Yourself.
Strange How What One Considers Normal Depends On The Experiences Of Said Person.
All That I Wrote Probably Sounds Quite Strange To Some, I Get That Because There Are Things About Singletons That I Find Strange.
I Don't Like To Feel Floaty, Or To Feel Like The Head Is Going To Float Out The Door. Waking Up And Being In A Different Room, Is Bizarre. It Is Normal For Me, However. It Is My Life Experience.
I Have A Unique Experience In The System, Because I Have Always Known I Was Multiple.
For The Most Part, Although Admittedly Curious, I Don't Need To Know The History Of The Souls In The Body. I Have Seen How Upset They Get. Why Would I Want That? I Couldn't Do My Jobs IF I Had That Shit.
I Have The Ok To Share My Roles In The System. I Am The One Who Sleeps In The Body, Holder Of Anger To A Small Degree (My Anger In No Way Comes Close To The Anger Other Angries Have. I Am Guardian.
I Hate Having To Clear What I Say About The System First. I Understand To A Degree, But I Still Am Bothered By It. I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger, That Is Why It Bothers Me, Those In Charge Don't Seem To Believe I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger. (Even Though It Is Literally In My Job Description.
I Recall My Birth. That Is Where My Memory Begins. I Was Born With What I Refer To As A Knowledge Bank. I Think Of It Like A Big Room That Has Words, And A Variety Of Other Things Stored In It. When Someone Says Something, It Often Takes A Brief Moment For Me To Be Able To Check My Files.
I Was Born Knowing What My Job/Role In The System Is. What My Jobs Are. I Have A Variety Of Them.
Many In The System Have Knowledge And Memories Of What I Call There Lives Before. I Know Bad Things Happened, I Know The Name Of One Person Who Did Things. I Don't Know Details. I Don't Have Memories Myself.
I Don't Have Triggers Either. Triggers In The Patch Are Those Seemingly Innocent Things That Give A Strong Reaction. I Know What Some Of The Other Souls Triggers Are. I Often Find Myself Out Here When Someone Has Been Triggered.
I Definatly Hold Some Anger. That Is The Only Feeling I Have. I Feel The Bodies Pain But Don't Feel Overly Connected To Or Bothered By It.
I Lack Life Experience. This Will Be My First Autumn, And Holiday Season. I Just Experience The First Celebration Of What They Call Bodyday.
This Is The Life I Know. I Can't Imagine Being The Only Person Inside. I Don't Understand Because Where Does A Singleton Go When They Aren't Here? What Do They Have Inside There Head? Do They Still Hear Comments In There Head, But The Comments Are In The One Voice? I Can't Imagine Feeling A Range Of Feelings Or Doing Everything For Yourself.
Strange How What One Considers Normal Depends On The Experiences Of Said Person.
All That I Wrote Probably Sounds Quite Strange To Some, I Get That Because There Are Things About Singletons That I Find Strange.
I Don't Like To Feel Floaty, Or To Feel Like The Head Is Going To Float Out The Door. Waking Up And Being In A Different Room, Is Bizarre. It Is Normal For Me, However. It Is My Life Experience.
I Have A Unique Experience In The System, Because I Have Always Known I Was Multiple.
For The Most Part, Although Admittedly Curious, I Don't Need To Know The History Of The Souls In The Body. I Have Seen How Upset They Get. Why Would I Want That? I Couldn't Do My Jobs IF I Had That Shit.
I Have The Ok To Share My Roles In The System. I Am The One Who Sleeps In The Body, Holder Of Anger To A Small Degree (My Anger In No Way Comes Close To The Anger Other Angries Have. I Am Guardian.
I Hate Having To Clear What I Say About The System First. I Understand To A Degree, But I Still Am Bothered By It. I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger, That Is Why It Bothers Me, Those In Charge Don't Seem To Believe I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger. (Even Though It Is Literally In My Job Description.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I Was Reading A Few Past Entries Not My Own From Here.
It Brought To Mind A Question. If We Have Something To Say Should We Comment On It, Or Write A Post About It?
Does Anyone Have Thoughts? I Like Commenting On It. I Think That Will Make It Easier To Notice When Someone Has Said Something, More Emtries May Get Lost Among Others.
Thoughts Anyone?
Alex
It Brought To Mind A Question. If We Have Something To Say Should We Comment On It, Or Write A Post About It?
Does Anyone Have Thoughts? I Like Commenting On It. I Think That Will Make It Easier To Notice When Someone Has Said Something, More Emtries May Get Lost Among Others.
Thoughts Anyone?
Alex
Thankful Thursday
Thankful Thursday-A List By Alex
Thankful Thursday- Alex
Good Books
Night Breeze
Snoring Cute Animals
The Cat Who Lays On My Lap While I Read
My Growing Stories
The Computer Journal I Love
Prompts To Use To Journal From A Variety Of Places
Yahoo360 Blog
Chocolate Cupcakes
Apple Juice
Fresh Washed Sheets, Blanket, And Pillow Cases
Thankful Thursday- Alex
Good Books
Night Breeze
Snoring Cute Animals
The Cat Who Lays On My Lap While I Read
My Growing Stories
The Computer Journal I Love
Prompts To Use To Journal From A Variety Of Places
Yahoo360 Blog
Chocolate Cupcakes
Apple Juice
Fresh Washed Sheets, Blanket, And Pillow Cases
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
A bit from Jak Noone
I have been not been out in months.
I offically gave up my role of front person. I don't feel bothered or anything it was my wish.
I just got back from seeing Storm, the member of the system who removes feelings and memories that anyone cannot handle.
I was on the SI wagon for about a year.
Until a few months ago that is. I fell off the wagon several times in the months span.
I am sorry fellow Berriez I do the best I can, I know that often isn't good enough
I am hoping to try to climb on that wagon again.
I have been clean and sober for close to a year now. It has not been easy. Not at all.
Someday I hope to be able to give up the NoOnE part of my name.
I will rejoice that day.
I have been out several hours now and am tired. So I head inside. To rest, to nap in my field of flowers.
Jak NoOnE
I offically gave up my role of front person. I don't feel bothered or anything it was my wish.
I just got back from seeing Storm, the member of the system who removes feelings and memories that anyone cannot handle.
I was on the SI wagon for about a year.
Until a few months ago that is. I fell off the wagon several times in the months span.
I am sorry fellow Berriez I do the best I can, I know that often isn't good enough
I am hoping to try to climb on that wagon again.
I have been clean and sober for close to a year now. It has not been easy. Not at all.
Someday I hope to be able to give up the NoOnE part of my name.
I will rejoice that day.
I have been out several hours now and am tired. So I head inside. To rest, to nap in my field of flowers.
Jak NoOnE
My name does not matter. Do not bother to ask it.
I ask that all in the system shared give thought to the following. I encourage all out there to do the same.
Although written for indians one doesn't need to be indian to learn valuable lessons and take meaning from the words.
"You have to have confidence in your own ability to be able to go it alone, to go against what the rest of the culture is doing."
--Eunice Baumann-Nelson, Ph.D., PENOBSCOT
God, this is hard. Today, allow me to be a Warrior. Let me be strong. Let Your voice be clear to me. Let me hear Your guidance. My goal today is to serve You, to develop myself to be the kind of Indian person that You would have me be. To Walk the Red Road must sometimes be walked alone.
Great Spirit, let me walk the Red Road today with the confidence that You are with me. If I fall, I will quickly ask You to help me know what I should do next
_____________________________________________
"It is a paradox in the contemporary world that in our desire for peace we must willingly give ourselves to struggle."
--Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
The Grandfathers have taught us about sacrifice. We have been taught to pray for the people in a pitiful way. Struggle and conflict is neither good nor bad, it just is. Everything that grows experiences conflict. When the deer is born it is through conflict. When the seed first grows, it is through conflict. Conflict precedes clarity. Everything has the seasons of growth. Recognize - acknowledge - forgive and change. All of these things are done through conflict.
Great Spirit, give me the courage today to see that struggle and conflict are here to teach me lessons that are a gift from you.
_______________________________________________
"Telling our lives is important for those who come after as, for those who will see our experience as part of their own historical struggle."
--Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
How important it is for us to support one another. How important it is for us to know our culture and to share our experiences with one another. How powerful it is to be authentic. How important it is to hold no secrets. I am as sick as my secrets.
I ask that all in the system shared give thought to the following. I encourage all out there to do the same.
Although written for indians one doesn't need to be indian to learn valuable lessons and take meaning from the words.
"You have to have confidence in your own ability to be able to go it alone, to go against what the rest of the culture is doing."
--Eunice Baumann-Nelson, Ph.D., PENOBSCOT
God, this is hard. Today, allow me to be a Warrior. Let me be strong. Let Your voice be clear to me. Let me hear Your guidance. My goal today is to serve You, to develop myself to be the kind of Indian person that You would have me be. To Walk the Red Road must sometimes be walked alone.
Great Spirit, let me walk the Red Road today with the confidence that You are with me. If I fall, I will quickly ask You to help me know what I should do next
_____________________________________________
"It is a paradox in the contemporary world that in our desire for peace we must willingly give ourselves to struggle."
--Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
The Grandfathers have taught us about sacrifice. We have been taught to pray for the people in a pitiful way. Struggle and conflict is neither good nor bad, it just is. Everything that grows experiences conflict. When the deer is born it is through conflict. When the seed first grows, it is through conflict. Conflict precedes clarity. Everything has the seasons of growth. Recognize - acknowledge - forgive and change. All of these things are done through conflict.
Great Spirit, give me the courage today to see that struggle and conflict are here to teach me lessons that are a gift from you.
_______________________________________________
"Telling our lives is important for those who come after as, for those who will see our experience as part of their own historical struggle."
--Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
How important it is for us to support one another. How important it is for us to know our culture and to share our experiences with one another. How powerful it is to be authentic. How important it is to hold no secrets. I am as sick as my secrets.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
*You All Get To See How We Argue And Discuss Amongst Ourselves. We Fight Quite A Bit And Agree On Little. We Have A Journal For Communicating. Should Be Renamed The Bitching Journal, Would You Agree With Me On That Sierra?*
Sierra,
'I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.'
I Would Never Do Anything That Would Make It So You Couldn't Write At That Journal Group. I Happen To Enjoy Reading And Writing There. You Didn't Need To Appologize For Me However And I Wish You Hadn't.
I Will Leave The Subject Alone Save To Say This: I Stick By My Comments. She Did Assume. She Didn't Ask If I Had Tried To Google It. I Didn't Know Gnome Would Give Different Results To Gnomes. Adding An 's' To A Word In My Knowledge Banks Means Plural. And I Did Look Up Gnome And Then Later Thanksgiving.
She Could Have Said Did You Try Googling It? Or Gave Me A Website. Writing Two Words Google It Gave Me The Impression She Thinks I'm Too Dumb To Do Anything, And/Or Beneath Her, Which I Don't Appreciate For I Am Neither Of Those Things.
Honestly Debating With You Or Her About The Subject Isn't On My Priority List. My Time Is Too Precious. I Didn't Appreciate The Reply That I Would Have Known If She Was Rude, And I Needed To Whatever, Chill Out Or Something. She Doesn't Know Me, I'm Sure You Do Realize, Sierra I Was Very Much Civilized And Quite Restrained.
The Person Who Said Something Like You Can't Control What We All Say And Do Is Very Right.
This Is Not Worth Your Time And Worry.
I Won't Reply To That Post Of Hers, I Watched You Delete It And Then Send Her 2 Appologies.
I Do Ask You To Not Appologize For Me. For I'm Not Sorry I Said What I Did. I Meant It Or I Wouldn't Have Said It.
As You Are Aware I Have Stood Up To Mychelle And The Idea You Appoligized Bothers Me, So Please Don't Do It Again.
I Think We All Do Things That Embarrass Each Other.
I Edited This To Add: While Copying The Necessary Posts To My Journal To Write About It, I Noticed An Appolgy From You Stating If You Had Your Way I Wouldn't Write There At All. That Was Rude Of You. I Don't Write At Your Forum Place. Like It Or Not We Have To 'Live' Together. Have You Forgot I Pissed Of Mychelle Whom You Hate? That I Stood Up To Her? Guess It's A Good Thing It Isn't Up To You, For Me Anyways.
Hate Me If You Want I Don't Care. I Don't Care What You Or Anyone Thinks Of Me. I Will Continue To Write There However. Deal With It.
Alex
Sierra,
'I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.'
I Would Never Do Anything That Would Make It So You Couldn't Write At That Journal Group. I Happen To Enjoy Reading And Writing There. You Didn't Need To Appologize For Me However And I Wish You Hadn't.
I Will Leave The Subject Alone Save To Say This: I Stick By My Comments. She Did Assume. She Didn't Ask If I Had Tried To Google It. I Didn't Know Gnome Would Give Different Results To Gnomes. Adding An 's' To A Word In My Knowledge Banks Means Plural. And I Did Look Up Gnome And Then Later Thanksgiving.
She Could Have Said Did You Try Googling It? Or Gave Me A Website. Writing Two Words Google It Gave Me The Impression She Thinks I'm Too Dumb To Do Anything, And/Or Beneath Her, Which I Don't Appreciate For I Am Neither Of Those Things.
Honestly Debating With You Or Her About The Subject Isn't On My Priority List. My Time Is Too Precious. I Didn't Appreciate The Reply That I Would Have Known If She Was Rude, And I Needed To Whatever, Chill Out Or Something. She Doesn't Know Me, I'm Sure You Do Realize, Sierra I Was Very Much Civilized And Quite Restrained.
The Person Who Said Something Like You Can't Control What We All Say And Do Is Very Right.
This Is Not Worth Your Time And Worry.
I Won't Reply To That Post Of Hers, I Watched You Delete It And Then Send Her 2 Appologies.
I Do Ask You To Not Appologize For Me. For I'm Not Sorry I Said What I Did. I Meant It Or I Wouldn't Have Said It.
As You Are Aware I Have Stood Up To Mychelle And The Idea You Appoligized Bothers Me, So Please Don't Do It Again.
I Think We All Do Things That Embarrass Each Other.
I Edited This To Add: While Copying The Necessary Posts To My Journal To Write About It, I Noticed An Appolgy From You Stating If You Had Your Way I Wouldn't Write There At All. That Was Rude Of You. I Don't Write At Your Forum Place. Like It Or Not We Have To 'Live' Together. Have You Forgot I Pissed Of Mychelle Whom You Hate? That I Stood Up To Her? Guess It's A Good Thing It Isn't Up To You, For Me Anyways.
Hate Me If You Want I Don't Care. I Don't Care What You Or Anyone Thinks Of Me. I Will Continue To Write There However. Deal With It.
Alex
Monday, October 10, 2005
Something that happened today, brings this to mind.
I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.
Saying i'm sorry, stammering to explain something that i don't understand, saying it won't happen again, feeling like i should just go away, why bother to have connection to people? the other souls I think often are trying to ruin it.
They aren't always very social, or used to people and such.
They certainly lack manners, tack, and all that.
And yes they are human and make mistakes.
I have spent a lifetime appologizing for a wide variety of things. For a long time I didn't even know what I was appoligizing for. I was often sure that the person was lying, though I never accused anyone of it.
Now I know it is the others in the system. Still i am always embarrased and wishing I could dissapear into the ground or turn back the clock to take their words back.
I'm not one for conflict at all. I will do about anything to avoid it. Unfortunatly there are souls who are quite opposite that, and perceive attacks and rudness where it doesn't exist.
I am almost in tears, because simply I am tired of it.
I didn't ask to be a multiple and don't want this. I want my old life back, that life which was just a big lie apparently.
I am in tears now. My words probably make little sense.
I could choose to not appologize to someone for another berri, but if I don't it is unlike the soul will. Quite simply they don't care what others say and think, or do. Some like to argue, some think everyone are rude. Some just plain hate everyone.
I wish I felt I didn't have to appologize for everyone.
And yet I continue to do so.
I don't by far recall everything I have ever appologized for. There have been some doozies (Sp?) though. Things I find so embarrasing I can't write them here.
Truly,
Sierra
I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.
Saying i'm sorry, stammering to explain something that i don't understand, saying it won't happen again, feeling like i should just go away, why bother to have connection to people? the other souls I think often are trying to ruin it.
They aren't always very social, or used to people and such.
They certainly lack manners, tack, and all that.
And yes they are human and make mistakes.
I have spent a lifetime appologizing for a wide variety of things. For a long time I didn't even know what I was appoligizing for. I was often sure that the person was lying, though I never accused anyone of it.
Now I know it is the others in the system. Still i am always embarrased and wishing I could dissapear into the ground or turn back the clock to take their words back.
I'm not one for conflict at all. I will do about anything to avoid it. Unfortunatly there are souls who are quite opposite that, and perceive attacks and rudness where it doesn't exist.
I am almost in tears, because simply I am tired of it.
I didn't ask to be a multiple and don't want this. I want my old life back, that life which was just a big lie apparently.
I am in tears now. My words probably make little sense.
I could choose to not appologize to someone for another berri, but if I don't it is unlike the soul will. Quite simply they don't care what others say and think, or do. Some like to argue, some think everyone are rude. Some just plain hate everyone.
I wish I felt I didn't have to appologize for everyone.
And yet I continue to do so.
I don't by far recall everything I have ever appologized for. There have been some doozies (Sp?) though. Things I find so embarrasing I can't write them here.
Truly,
Sierra
Sunday, October 9, 2005
I Did Notice The Myths And Truths Post Below. I Will Read It Eventually. Just Not Now.
My First Experience With Being Sick Was Different, I Hated It. The Weather Changing Is New For Me Too. I'm Not Sure What To Think. I Don't Mind It At This Point, However N Has Said It Will Get Much Colder.
I Don't Have A Bunch Of Experience Or Knowledge About Being Multiple. I Quite Simply Have Just Not Been Around Long Enough.
I Do Speak My Mind, I Don't Mince Words, I'm A Night Soul Mostly. Nobody Else Wants To Be Here At Night.
I Don't Associate With The Others Inside Much. They Don't Care For Me, Which Is Fine With Me. Truth Is My Roles Are Easier To Fulfil If I Don't Have Friends Inside.
I Have Always Been 31, Always Known What My Role Was, I Recall My Birth. It Is Impossible For Me To Imagine Not Being That Way. I Have No Patience For Littles.
I Can't Imagine Not Being Multiple, Because I Came Into The World After Sierra The Then Front Soul Was Made Aware.
I Often Wonder What Is In The Minds Of Single People? Where Do They Go When They Aren't Out Here? What Do They See Inside? Is It Quiet? Do You Hear People Speaking To You Inside?
Those Are All Normal Experiences For Me. The Idea Of Not Beng That Way I Cannot Fathom.
Why Do I Write Tonight? I Don't Have A Reason. Do I Need One? I Like To Write.
I Am Was Born June 4. I Know My Creators. Most In The Patch Don't Know There Creators.
Not Even A Year Ago I Was Born And I Am 31 In Age. N Says The Physical Body Gets One Year Older Soon. The Whole Idea Of That Perplexes Me.
I Don't Know The Bodies Parents, I Have No Knowledge Of That Before Life. I Exist Now. I Live In The Now.
It Truly Pisses Me Off That Most Of The Patch Cannot Willnot Or Simply Refuse To Live In The Now. I Don't Have Memories, Or Feelings. I Want Them To Get On With Things.
The New Front Picked A Name Finally Kassandra.
The Latest Arrivals From Beyond Our Awareness Are Slowly Settling In, Except The Loud Screaming One That Is.
I Feel Done With Writing Now.
I Do Wish More Patch Members Would Write Here. Maybe I Should Write Them A Note In The Communication Journal. I'm Thinking Many May Not Be Aware.
Of Course It Is Doubtful The Littles Would Ever Want To Write Here, And Even More Doubtful They Would Ever Be Given Permission.
Alex
My First Experience With Being Sick Was Different, I Hated It. The Weather Changing Is New For Me Too. I'm Not Sure What To Think. I Don't Mind It At This Point, However N Has Said It Will Get Much Colder.
I Don't Have A Bunch Of Experience Or Knowledge About Being Multiple. I Quite Simply Have Just Not Been Around Long Enough.
I Do Speak My Mind, I Don't Mince Words, I'm A Night Soul Mostly. Nobody Else Wants To Be Here At Night.
I Don't Associate With The Others Inside Much. They Don't Care For Me, Which Is Fine With Me. Truth Is My Roles Are Easier To Fulfil If I Don't Have Friends Inside.
I Have Always Been 31, Always Known What My Role Was, I Recall My Birth. It Is Impossible For Me To Imagine Not Being That Way. I Have No Patience For Littles.
I Can't Imagine Not Being Multiple, Because I Came Into The World After Sierra The Then Front Soul Was Made Aware.
I Often Wonder What Is In The Minds Of Single People? Where Do They Go When They Aren't Out Here? What Do They See Inside? Is It Quiet? Do You Hear People Speaking To You Inside?
Those Are All Normal Experiences For Me. The Idea Of Not Beng That Way I Cannot Fathom.
Why Do I Write Tonight? I Don't Have A Reason. Do I Need One? I Like To Write.
I Am Was Born June 4. I Know My Creators. Most In The Patch Don't Know There Creators.
Not Even A Year Ago I Was Born And I Am 31 In Age. N Says The Physical Body Gets One Year Older Soon. The Whole Idea Of That Perplexes Me.
I Don't Know The Bodies Parents, I Have No Knowledge Of That Before Life. I Exist Now. I Live In The Now.
It Truly Pisses Me Off That Most Of The Patch Cannot Willnot Or Simply Refuse To Live In The Now. I Don't Have Memories, Or Feelings. I Want Them To Get On With Things.
The New Front Picked A Name Finally Kassandra.
The Latest Arrivals From Beyond Our Awareness Are Slowly Settling In, Except The Loud Screaming One That Is.
I Feel Done With Writing Now.
I Do Wish More Patch Members Would Write Here. Maybe I Should Write Them A Note In The Communication Journal. I'm Thinking Many May Not Be Aware.
Of Course It Is Doubtful The Littles Would Ever Want To Write Here, And Even More Doubtful They Would Ever Be Given Permission.
Alex
Myths and Truths-Part two
Myths and Truths: Part two
Myth: If you dissociate you are multiple
Everyone dissociates to a degree. Driving on the highway and passing your exit. Not realizing time passes when reading or engaged in something completely are normal examples. It is not uncommon for rape, incest victims, and war veterans to dissociate, that doesn't make one a multiple.
There are criteria to be a multiple, and Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D) Or multiple personalities is not the only possible diagnosis for a person who experiences dissociation
The following website has a good article on the different dissociative disorders: http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Dissociative_Disorders.htm,
Myth: The normal amount of Souls to have is around 12.
There can be as few as 2 or as many as hundreds of Souls. There is simply no normal amount. Whatever the system needs to get through the childhood determines how many Souls there are
Myth: The host, or original born always interacts with the outside world.
For some multiples this is true. However not for all. For some systems the original is in hiding, and hasn't been in the world for quite a long time.
It is also possible for the trauma to have been so severe that the host will never again be in the outside world.
Myth: The more Souls the more trauma there was.
It is generally accepted that either the same Soul is out for a certain instance of abuse time after time or for each new instance of abuse a new Soul is created. This means that many Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse, as not a lot of Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse.
The amount of Souls in no way correlates to the amount of trauma. It totally depends on the dynamics and contruction of the system.
Myth: The desired outcome for all multiples is integration or going back to one Soul.
Some multiples choose to integrate. Some multiples choose to work together as a team, often called co-operation.
For some multiples integrating may be a good choice. To some multiples the idea of integration is death of the Souls.
Some multiple systems don't have an original or main soul to go back to which means integration is simply not possible.
Myth: Multiples aren't real. They are just people out for attention and are simply acting or pretending.
While some people may see being multiple as some fun game, it is not. Sure there are probably a few people who fake, that is the exception.
Sharing your body and life with a group of people is not easy, it is something society doesn't look kindly at. Among other things having no sense of time or distinction from past and present isn't a fun way to live.
Yes the diagnosis is still being debated. Spending a period of time over months with a multiple does a lot to convince a person as to the validity of the diagnosis. (hubby asked I write that in)
The idea that multiples are out for attention is simply ridiculous. The fact is that many multiples lead isolated, secretive lives, often backing away from attention and only disclosing their diagnosis to a select few people.
Coming to terms with the idea that your childhood was filled with unspeakable horrors is not something most people want to face, why would people want to fake that?
In society, multiples are shunned, called crazy, disbelieved, and just not accepted. It is not a club that anyone wants to be a part of.
There was a study done once in which professional actors were given time to study and then tried to pretend to be multiple. The actors while able to stay in character for a time, often fell out of character during times of stress. Furthermore research showed even the best actors were unable to keep all the details of the various Souls straight.
Myth: It is impossible to forget something like incest and severe abuse for years.
This is something that some doctors and persons part of the FMS state. They have this research where they 'prove' people still remember bits.
This research however is done on benign untramatic things. Therefore the research cannot be applied to tramatic memories.
Incest victims forget, as do war veterans.
In a multiple system, the memories are not forgotten, they are simply displaced and walled off. It is the various Souls who carry memories, which are guarded secrets from other souls in the system. Splitting the trauma up this way keeps the system functioning, especially in childhood. It allows getting up going to school, eating, and all the other things a child would normally do.
Some doctors say that splitting saves the lives of some multiples.
Myth: All Multiples become child abusers themselves.
Do all abuse victims abuse? Do all people who witness a murder become murders? The idea that all of anything become a certain way is beyond ridiculous . It is true some multiples have Souls who do abuse just as it is true that some incest victims become abusers this is the exception not the rule. For the most part multiples having experienced abuse would never dream of doing such a thing to an innocent child and would rather die than be an abuser.
Still to come:
Are all multiples female? Are there measurable noted phsyiological differences between souls? Is bipolar or manic-depressive another way of saying someone is multiple? Are multiples rare? Do we belong locked away from society? Are we capable of relationships and love?
That is just a sampling of what is to come.
Truly,
Sierra
Myth: If you dissociate you are multiple
Everyone dissociates to a degree. Driving on the highway and passing your exit. Not realizing time passes when reading or engaged in something completely are normal examples. It is not uncommon for rape, incest victims, and war veterans to dissociate, that doesn't make one a multiple.
There are criteria to be a multiple, and Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D) Or multiple personalities is not the only possible diagnosis for a person who experiences dissociation
The following website has a good article on the different dissociative disorders: http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Dissociative_Disorders.htm,
Myth: The normal amount of Souls to have is around 12.
There can be as few as 2 or as many as hundreds of Souls. There is simply no normal amount. Whatever the system needs to get through the childhood determines how many Souls there are
Myth: The host, or original born always interacts with the outside world.
For some multiples this is true. However not for all. For some systems the original is in hiding, and hasn't been in the world for quite a long time.
It is also possible for the trauma to have been so severe that the host will never again be in the outside world.
Myth: The more Souls the more trauma there was.
It is generally accepted that either the same Soul is out for a certain instance of abuse time after time or for each new instance of abuse a new Soul is created. This means that many Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse, as not a lot of Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse.
The amount of Souls in no way correlates to the amount of trauma. It totally depends on the dynamics and contruction of the system.
Myth: The desired outcome for all multiples is integration or going back to one Soul.
Some multiples choose to integrate. Some multiples choose to work together as a team, often called co-operation.
For some multiples integrating may be a good choice. To some multiples the idea of integration is death of the Souls.
Some multiple systems don't have an original or main soul to go back to which means integration is simply not possible.
Myth: Multiples aren't real. They are just people out for attention and are simply acting or pretending.
While some people may see being multiple as some fun game, it is not. Sure there are probably a few people who fake, that is the exception.
Sharing your body and life with a group of people is not easy, it is something society doesn't look kindly at. Among other things having no sense of time or distinction from past and present isn't a fun way to live.
Yes the diagnosis is still being debated. Spending a period of time over months with a multiple does a lot to convince a person as to the validity of the diagnosis. (hubby asked I write that in)
The idea that multiples are out for attention is simply ridiculous. The fact is that many multiples lead isolated, secretive lives, often backing away from attention and only disclosing their diagnosis to a select few people.
Coming to terms with the idea that your childhood was filled with unspeakable horrors is not something most people want to face, why would people want to fake that?
In society, multiples are shunned, called crazy, disbelieved, and just not accepted. It is not a club that anyone wants to be a part of.
There was a study done once in which professional actors were given time to study and then tried to pretend to be multiple. The actors while able to stay in character for a time, often fell out of character during times of stress. Furthermore research showed even the best actors were unable to keep all the details of the various Souls straight.
Myth: It is impossible to forget something like incest and severe abuse for years.
This is something that some doctors and persons part of the FMS state. They have this research where they 'prove' people still remember bits.
This research however is done on benign untramatic things. Therefore the research cannot be applied to tramatic memories.
Incest victims forget, as do war veterans.
In a multiple system, the memories are not forgotten, they are simply displaced and walled off. It is the various Souls who carry memories, which are guarded secrets from other souls in the system. Splitting the trauma up this way keeps the system functioning, especially in childhood. It allows getting up going to school, eating, and all the other things a child would normally do.
Some doctors say that splitting saves the lives of some multiples.
Myth: All Multiples become child abusers themselves.
Do all abuse victims abuse? Do all people who witness a murder become murders? The idea that all of anything become a certain way is beyond ridiculous . It is true some multiples have Souls who do abuse just as it is true that some incest victims become abusers this is the exception not the rule. For the most part multiples having experienced abuse would never dream of doing such a thing to an innocent child and would rather die than be an abuser.
Still to come:
Are all multiples female? Are there measurable noted phsyiological differences between souls? Is bipolar or manic-depressive another way of saying someone is multiple? Are multiples rare? Do we belong locked away from society? Are we capable of relationships and love?
That is just a sampling of what is to come.
Truly,
Sierra
Saturday, October 8, 2005
Myths and Truths-Part one
Myths and Truths: part one
I've decided to start by talking about some things I have heard and or read about multiples. Many of the things I hear or read, including things online and that well respected doctors say just isn't true. I invite anyone who has heard a myth that I haven't mentioned to write to me and share it as well as comment.
Before I begin I'd like to define some terms that I use.
I- As used here I refers only to myself, Sierra.
We- All the Souls in the system
System- All of the souls that share one body. Our System name is The Patch.
Soul- The term we use for alter, inner, persona, or part that inhabit the body. (see previous entry on this subject)
co-consciousness- The experience of being present and semi-aware when another Soul is front.
Integrate- The process of going from many Souls in one body to one Soul.
Loosing Time- The experience of one moment being in a spot doing something and the next moment being somewhere else, wearing something else, or some amount of time has passed (minutes, hours, days, months, even years) ( Loosing time is to be the subject of a future entry)
Host- Person born in the body.
Front- Person out most often. In Systems with a host still interacting in the world, the host and front person would be the same.
Incest- inappropriate touching and sexual acts done to a child by a member of the child's family.
Myth: All multiple experience life as Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase did or do.
Reality: This is simply untrue. It is just as silly to believe all multiple expereince anything the same as it is to believe all singletons (nonmultiples) experience life the same. It is true that some people have some similarities to Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase, but those are just books, and yes i'm sure some of the facts were changed (i'm not saying their stories aren't true) for publishing purposes. Speaking of the system I live in (which is all I can do with anything I write) we have some similarities to Sybil as well as Similarities to Trudi Chase. We also have differences. Developing multiplicity is not a conscious decision, therefore what is needed for survival is how the system is developed.
Myth: All multiples loose time.
It is true that in this system we loose time. That said, not all multiples loose time in the sense that one moment they are somewhere and the next moment they are somewhere completely different. For some multiples they are co-conscious. This means that when another Soul comes forward they are still watching, they are just watching from far away, however and are unable to influence what is going on. I have sometimes heard it described as watching a movie or a tv show. For many multiples whether they loose time completely or are co-conscious, time often slips away. What you think is just minutes passing is really hours.
Myth: All Multiples are crazy and often killers
Some multiples may be crazy, they may even be killers. That does not mean that all multiples are crazy or killers. The fact is that Souls are born or come into being to protect the body. Often a multlple may seem crazy because of the inablity to distinguish between past and present. For example: a multiple may when experiencing a flashback believe that a significant other is an abuser. That is a hallucination and doesn't make anyone multiple or not crazy.
It is just as silly to say all mutliples are crazy or killers as it is to say all white people, men, women or whomever are killers.
Myth: All multiples find strange objects in their house and loose things
It is not uncommon to loose things or find strange objects, all multiples don't have this experience however. Many mutliples live by lists and expend a lot of energy trying to appear normal, and to keep track of belongings.
Myth: All multiples are unable to hold jobs or work and be active members of society
Some multples are unalbe to hold jobs for a variety of reasons. Many multiples work either full or part time. There are multiples who are teachers, doctors, lawyers, contruction workers, and any other field you can think of. Multiples can exist in just about any profession out there as well as own their own business. Multiple who don't work in a paying job are often times active in volunteer work.
Myth: If you hear voices you are multiple.
Some multiples hear voices. Hearing voices can mean hearing voices not your own coming from inside the head. Hearing voices can mean hearing loud thoughts that aren't your own thoughts, and don't go away.
Schizophrenics also hear voices. There is a big distiction. Multiple more often than not experience the voices as coming from either inside the head, or something being whispered in their ear, Schizophrenics most often hear voices that are coming from outside the head, places like the radio, the tv, the air conditioning vent.
Schizophrenics are not necessarily multiple, although many multiples have in the past been misdiagnosed as Schizophrenic.
*broke part one into two parts, for easier reading.* Part two is already up to read.
Truly, Sierra
I've decided to start by talking about some things I have heard and or read about multiples. Many of the things I hear or read, including things online and that well respected doctors say just isn't true. I invite anyone who has heard a myth that I haven't mentioned to write to me and share it as well as comment.
Before I begin I'd like to define some terms that I use.
I- As used here I refers only to myself, Sierra.
We- All the Souls in the system
System- All of the souls that share one body. Our System name is The Patch.
Soul- The term we use for alter, inner, persona, or part that inhabit the body. (see previous entry on this subject)
co-consciousness- The experience of being present and semi-aware when another Soul is front.
Integrate- The process of going from many Souls in one body to one Soul.
Loosing Time- The experience of one moment being in a spot doing something and the next moment being somewhere else, wearing something else, or some amount of time has passed (minutes, hours, days, months, even years) ( Loosing time is to be the subject of a future entry)
Host- Person born in the body.
Front- Person out most often. In Systems with a host still interacting in the world, the host and front person would be the same.
Incest- inappropriate touching and sexual acts done to a child by a member of the child's family.
Myth: All multiple experience life as Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase did or do.
Reality: This is simply untrue. It is just as silly to believe all multiple expereince anything the same as it is to believe all singletons (nonmultiples) experience life the same. It is true that some people have some similarities to Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase, but those are just books, and yes i'm sure some of the facts were changed (i'm not saying their stories aren't true) for publishing purposes. Speaking of the system I live in (which is all I can do with anything I write) we have some similarities to Sybil as well as Similarities to Trudi Chase. We also have differences. Developing multiplicity is not a conscious decision, therefore what is needed for survival is how the system is developed.
Myth: All multiples loose time.
It is true that in this system we loose time. That said, not all multiples loose time in the sense that one moment they are somewhere and the next moment they are somewhere completely different. For some multiples they are co-conscious. This means that when another Soul comes forward they are still watching, they are just watching from far away, however and are unable to influence what is going on. I have sometimes heard it described as watching a movie or a tv show. For many multiples whether they loose time completely or are co-conscious, time often slips away. What you think is just minutes passing is really hours.
Myth: All Multiples are crazy and often killers
Some multiples may be crazy, they may even be killers. That does not mean that all multiples are crazy or killers. The fact is that Souls are born or come into being to protect the body. Often a multlple may seem crazy because of the inablity to distinguish between past and present. For example: a multiple may when experiencing a flashback believe that a significant other is an abuser. That is a hallucination and doesn't make anyone multiple or not crazy.
It is just as silly to say all mutliples are crazy or killers as it is to say all white people, men, women or whomever are killers.
Myth: All multiples find strange objects in their house and loose things
It is not uncommon to loose things or find strange objects, all multiples don't have this experience however. Many mutliples live by lists and expend a lot of energy trying to appear normal, and to keep track of belongings.
Myth: All multiples are unable to hold jobs or work and be active members of society
Some multples are unalbe to hold jobs for a variety of reasons. Many multiples work either full or part time. There are multiples who are teachers, doctors, lawyers, contruction workers, and any other field you can think of. Multiples can exist in just about any profession out there as well as own their own business. Multiple who don't work in a paying job are often times active in volunteer work.
Myth: If you hear voices you are multiple.
Some multiples hear voices. Hearing voices can mean hearing voices not your own coming from inside the head. Hearing voices can mean hearing loud thoughts that aren't your own thoughts, and don't go away.
Schizophrenics also hear voices. There is a big distiction. Multiple more often than not experience the voices as coming from either inside the head, or something being whispered in their ear, Schizophrenics most often hear voices that are coming from outside the head, places like the radio, the tv, the air conditioning vent.
Schizophrenics are not necessarily multiple, although many multiples have in the past been misdiagnosed as Schizophrenic.
*broke part one into two parts, for easier reading.* Part two is already up to read.
Truly, Sierra
Sunday, October 2, 2005
Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts
Got Out Here Early And Watched Along Came A Spider. While It Was A Good Moive, It Differed A Good Deal From The Book. I Thought The Character Alex Cross Was Played Well, As Was The Other Main Character Jezzie Flanagan. I Didn't Like The Fact That The Movie Didn't Have Nana Mama, Cross's 2 Kids, Or His Detective Friend Sampson.
I Really Enjoyed Those Parts Of Book And Thought Removing Them From The Movie Version Was A Bad Decision.
I Also Didn't Like How They Took Out How The Book Opened With Cross Being Pulled From A Murder Investigation In A Poor Black Neighborhood To Go To The Kidnapping.
Don't Get Me Wrong, I Did Enjoy The Movie. I Just Liked The Book Better.
As I Become More Interested In Writing Stories, I Notice More And More How I Lack Knowledge Of Language, And The Parts Of It.
I Feel Silly Checking Out A Book At The Library On Sentence Structure, And Whatnot. It Occurs To Me That Perhaps The Internet Is A Good Place To Check Out. I Wonder What I Would Use As A Search Term?
It Occurs To Me At This Moment That n Once Said That I Construct Sentences Wierd, Putting Words In A Strange Order. That Is Exactly The Thing I Am Wanting To Remedy. I Think Doing So Could Aid A Great Deal In Writing Stories.
Sure Some Writings I Just Do For Myself, But I Do Want Other People To Be Able To Read And Understand What I Write.
Berriez Who Are Out Every Day Have Been Taking Breaks. It Is Allowing Others In The System To Spend More Time Out, It Also For Me At Least Draws My Attention To Just How Much Those Who Are Out So Much Do.
The New Front Person Was Out A Bit Today. It Takes A Bit To Get Used To Being Out Here For More Than A Short Time At Once. She Doesn't Like Her Name So She Was Looking For A New One, n Said, I'll Be Curious To What She Chooses. I Liked My Name. I Didn't Pick It, I Was 'Born' With It. (Note Subject Of Names And How They Come To Be Would Make A Good Future Subject To Write About)
I Wonder If There Are Things Anyone Who Reads This Would Like To See As Future Subjects I/We Write About?
Got Out Here Early And Watched Along Came A Spider. While It Was A Good Moive, It Differed A Good Deal From The Book. I Thought The Character Alex Cross Was Played Well, As Was The Other Main Character Jezzie Flanagan. I Didn't Like The Fact That The Movie Didn't Have Nana Mama, Cross's 2 Kids, Or His Detective Friend Sampson.
I Really Enjoyed Those Parts Of Book And Thought Removing Them From The Movie Version Was A Bad Decision.
I Also Didn't Like How They Took Out How The Book Opened With Cross Being Pulled From A Murder Investigation In A Poor Black Neighborhood To Go To The Kidnapping.
Don't Get Me Wrong, I Did Enjoy The Movie. I Just Liked The Book Better.
As I Become More Interested In Writing Stories, I Notice More And More How I Lack Knowledge Of Language, And The Parts Of It.
I Feel Silly Checking Out A Book At The Library On Sentence Structure, And Whatnot. It Occurs To Me That Perhaps The Internet Is A Good Place To Check Out. I Wonder What I Would Use As A Search Term?
It Occurs To Me At This Moment That n Once Said That I Construct Sentences Wierd, Putting Words In A Strange Order. That Is Exactly The Thing I Am Wanting To Remedy. I Think Doing So Could Aid A Great Deal In Writing Stories.
Sure Some Writings I Just Do For Myself, But I Do Want Other People To Be Able To Read And Understand What I Write.
Berriez Who Are Out Every Day Have Been Taking Breaks. It Is Allowing Others In The System To Spend More Time Out, It Also For Me At Least Draws My Attention To Just How Much Those Who Are Out So Much Do.
The New Front Person Was Out A Bit Today. It Takes A Bit To Get Used To Being Out Here For More Than A Short Time At Once. She Doesn't Like Her Name So She Was Looking For A New One, n Said, I'll Be Curious To What She Chooses. I Liked My Name. I Didn't Pick It, I Was 'Born' With It. (Note Subject Of Names And How They Come To Be Would Make A Good Future Subject To Write About)
I Wonder If There Are Things Anyone Who Reads This Would Like To See As Future Subjects I/We Write About?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Select prompt reply
Select Prompt Replies-Alex
I Found This While Looking Over Past Entries In Our Prompt Replies Journal Section.
Select Replies To Bunch Of Prompts From Alex.
.. I am the one who... Is Here When Nobody Else Wants To Be. I Am Guardian.
e.. When I check inside, I find ... To Much To Write About Here, I'd Be Up All Night
g.. I believe in ... Myself
k.. What are you still learning? Most Everything
n.. What sets you apart from the crowd? Oh Where To Start
v.. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I Didn't When I Came To Existence. Now I Know My Age. I Am 31. Why? Because It Feels Right And Sits Right With Me.
y.. When in your life do you feel that you were most yourself? Every Moment Of Every Day
z.. If you consider your life to be like a yo-yo, what do you do with/about the knots that inevitably show up in the string? Whatever Is Necessary
b.. What are the last tears you cried? The true paradises are the ones we lost. I Don't
n.. Did you speak out and tell the truth? Always
o.. This is where I am now... Here
a.. How do you measure time? Horribly. I Don't. I Have Little Concept Of It, If Any At All. I Could Rattle Of 60 Seconds In A Minute, Etcetera, But It Means Nothing To Me.
n.. Last night, I... Read And Journaled
b.. I would call my autobiography ... Reflections Of Lives Lived.
o.. "Everyone wants to understand painting, why is there no attempt to understand the song of birds?" (Picasso) People Take Them For Granted
a.. List all the things you just don't want to think about. Why Then I'd Be Thinking About Them. Seriously I Can't Thinks I'm Not Surpposed To Think About Aren't In My Head, Or Knowledge Banks.
k.. I gladly make the sacrifice of fear. What would we do if we weren't afraid? What are we afraid of? What is fear? I Don't Have Fear As I Don't Have Sadness. This Means I Don't Have Happiness Or Joy Either. I've Learned If You Don't Have The Bad Feelings You Can't Have The Good Ones.
l.. Hell is... The Childhood They Lived Through
d.. How is your life impacting others? By Sharing And Refusing To Live In Silence.
h.. Who are you when you're all alone? What masks do you wear with others? I Wear No Masks
k.. What prevents me from feeling close to others. Lack Of Emotions
i.. What does the smallest part of you want to do? I Don't Know But I'd Like To Know.
r.. What did you dream about last night? Being In Water Knee Deep Looking For Animals With A Cameraman (Think Nature Program) I Look Down And Some Strange Bug Is Crawling Under The Skin, I Pull It Out And Notice A Black Thing Crawling In The Right Elbow, I Turn And Walk To A Person Farther Along In The Water, I Say Look At This, And He Says It's A ___ Snake (I Can't Recall What Type Of Snake) At That Point I Woke Up.
I Found This While Looking Over Past Entries In Our Prompt Replies Journal Section.
Select Replies To Bunch Of Prompts From Alex.
.. I am the one who... Is Here When Nobody Else Wants To Be. I Am Guardian.
e.. When I check inside, I find ... To Much To Write About Here, I'd Be Up All Night
g.. I believe in ... Myself
k.. What are you still learning? Most Everything
n.. What sets you apart from the crowd? Oh Where To Start
v.. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I Didn't When I Came To Existence. Now I Know My Age. I Am 31. Why? Because It Feels Right And Sits Right With Me.
y.. When in your life do you feel that you were most yourself? Every Moment Of Every Day
z.. If you consider your life to be like a yo-yo, what do you do with/about the knots that inevitably show up in the string? Whatever Is Necessary
b.. What are the last tears you cried? The true paradises are the ones we lost. I Don't
n.. Did you speak out and tell the truth? Always
o.. This is where I am now... Here
a.. How do you measure time? Horribly. I Don't. I Have Little Concept Of It, If Any At All. I Could Rattle Of 60 Seconds In A Minute, Etcetera, But It Means Nothing To Me.
n.. Last night, I... Read And Journaled
b.. I would call my autobiography ... Reflections Of Lives Lived.
o.. "Everyone wants to understand painting, why is there no attempt to understand the song of birds?" (Picasso) People Take Them For Granted
a.. List all the things you just don't want to think about. Why Then I'd Be Thinking About Them. Seriously I Can't Thinks I'm Not Surpposed To Think About Aren't In My Head, Or Knowledge Banks.
k.. I gladly make the sacrifice of fear. What would we do if we weren't afraid? What are we afraid of? What is fear? I Don't Have Fear As I Don't Have Sadness. This Means I Don't Have Happiness Or Joy Either. I've Learned If You Don't Have The Bad Feelings You Can't Have The Good Ones.
l.. Hell is... The Childhood They Lived Through
d.. How is your life impacting others? By Sharing And Refusing To Live In Silence.
h.. Who are you when you're all alone? What masks do you wear with others? I Wear No Masks
k.. What prevents me from feeling close to others. Lack Of Emotions
i.. What does the smallest part of you want to do? I Don't Know But I'd Like To Know.
r.. What did you dream about last night? Being In Water Knee Deep Looking For Animals With A Cameraman (Think Nature Program) I Look Down And Some Strange Bug Is Crawling Under The Skin, I Pull It Out And Notice A Black Thing Crawling In The Right Elbow, I Turn And Walk To A Person Farther Along In The Water, I Say Look At This, And He Says It's A ___ Snake (I Can't Recall What Type Of Snake) At That Point I Woke Up.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
As My Eyes Open And Scan The Immediate Area
As My Eyes Open And Scan The Area Immediately Around Me, I Breath A Sigh Of Relief. I Am On The Couch. (I Hate Coming To In Public It Feels Dangerous) I Take A Few Moments To Orient Myself By Looking At The First Clock Number. It Says 5, I Look Outside It's Daylight, How Strange For Me The Soul Usually Here At Night, It's Quite Early. I Get Up And Walk Around, N Isn't Here, Must Be Still Working. I Quickly Decide To Write Determined I Will Make The Best Of My Extra Front Time.
Sitting Down At The Computer I Ready Myself To Write, When Suddenly,I Look Around And It's Dark. What The Fuck I Think As I Try To FIrst Determine I Am Safe. I Am Inside Somewhere, Standing Up I Dump Auggie Our Cat On The Ground. Muttering Sorry I Stumble To A Door. Upon Opening It I Discover I Was Just In The Closet. So Much For Writing I Think, As I Wonder How Long It Has Been Since I Was Sat At The Computer. As I Once Again Look At The Clock I Discover The Front Number Says 6, So I've Lost One Number.
Parched I Decide To Get A Drink And A Snack. I Sit Down To Eat, I Look Around And Where Is My Snack, I Swear I Just Had A Bag Of BBQ Chips, Taking A Drink I Almost Spit It Out, Tea, Gross I Think That Is Not What I Poured. I Look At The Clock Whose Front Number Is Still 6. I Decide I've Either Flipped My Lid Or Lost A Bit Of Time.
I Decide To Read, And Pull Out My Current Book, A Richard Laymon I'm Not Far Into, I Open It Up And Begin To Read. Strange Thoughts And Words Begin To Flow Through The Head As I Put My Book Down Trying Desparately To Hold Onto The Words Which Are Constantly Just Out Of Reach. As I Reach For My Book Once Again, I Realize I Am Not Sat On The Rocking Chair Any Longer, I Am Laying On The Floor, The Arm Clutching A Stuffed Animal, Which I, In Irritation, Chuck Across The Room. Both Pets Laying Near As If Guarding Whomever Was Just Here, Come Up To Me And Sniff Me As If Trying To Decide Who I Am. Satisfied With After Sniffing, They Go About Their Business. Again Looking At The Clock I Watch The Front Number Which To 7
I Realize I'm A Bit Sleepy And Decide To Go Lay Down, Nap A Bit. I Open My Eyes After What I Thought Was A Nap To Discover Cross-Stitch In My Hand. Good Thing I Didn't Stretch My Arms I Think, I Might Have Poked Myself With The Needle.
Looking Around Me I Notice N Who Says Something To The Affect Of, 'Hi', As He Searches My Face For Signs Of Who He Is Now Speaking To.
'Alex', I Say, As My Gaze Searches Out The Clock He Says 'It's Just About 8. I Haven't Been Home Long, Raine Was Just Here.' I Am About To Say I'm Hungry When Suddenly I Realize The Stomach Is Full. Cursing Out Loud, N Says 'Sorry We Just Ate You Missed It, I Didn't Realize You Were Hungry.' I Silently Wonder If I Will Ever Get To Do Anything Before It's Time For Resting The Body.
Things Quiet Down As I Am Able To Peacefully Without Incident Do Some Reading And Journaling. I Stop Momentarily As I Think How Nice To Finally Get Some Time To Myself To Actually Do Something, When It Occurs To Me Something Is Off. Wait I Think, I'm In The Bathroom. Cursing Out Loud Again, I Realize Something Is Running Down The Leg.
'What The Fuck Is That', I Say As I Look Down And Simultaneously Realize What It Was.
Pissed I Say Aloud, 'Why Do You All Always Leave Me To Clean Up And Yet All Of You Always Hide The Blade'.
I Open The Drawer And Pull Out The Home-Made Kit I Put Together And Search Through It. As I'm Waiting For The Blood To Stop Flowing, While Hoping This Isn't A Bad One, I Wonder Who It Was That Did That Cut.
At This Point I Notice N Standing In The Doorway When He Sees Me Notice Him He Says, "Why Didn't You Wake Me Before You Did That. Your Yelling Just Woke Me Up. Are You Ok?"
"You Must Have Me Confused It's Alex, I'm Just Cleaning Up" He Nods As He Knows I Don't Cut. As He Asks 'How Bad Is It This Time', I Lift Up The Cloth And We Both See That The Blood Flow Has Stopped And A Trip To The Emergency Room Thankfully Isn't In The Cards For Tonight.
He Exits The Room In Search Of His Ciggarettes As I Bandage The Latest Wound And Finish Cleaning Up. Before Too Long He Falls Back Asleep. I Journal A Bit, While Pondering How To Help Someone Not Feel The Need To Cut When Neither I Nor N Know Who Did It.
Deciding I've Had Enough Reality, I Pick Up My Book And Read. After Watching Roseanne, I Sit Down To Journal And Get The Urge To Write Once Again. Thankfully I Am Finally Able To Write For Awhile. After Writing And A Few Edits I Determine I Am Done Editing Or My Writing Will Never Get Posted.
Alex
Sitting Down At The Computer I Ready Myself To Write, When Suddenly,I Look Around And It's Dark. What The Fuck I Think As I Try To FIrst Determine I Am Safe. I Am Inside Somewhere, Standing Up I Dump Auggie Our Cat On The Ground. Muttering Sorry I Stumble To A Door. Upon Opening It I Discover I Was Just In The Closet. So Much For Writing I Think, As I Wonder How Long It Has Been Since I Was Sat At The Computer. As I Once Again Look At The Clock I Discover The Front Number Says 6, So I've Lost One Number.
Parched I Decide To Get A Drink And A Snack. I Sit Down To Eat, I Look Around And Where Is My Snack, I Swear I Just Had A Bag Of BBQ Chips, Taking A Drink I Almost Spit It Out, Tea, Gross I Think That Is Not What I Poured. I Look At The Clock Whose Front Number Is Still 6. I Decide I've Either Flipped My Lid Or Lost A Bit Of Time.
I Decide To Read, And Pull Out My Current Book, A Richard Laymon I'm Not Far Into, I Open It Up And Begin To Read. Strange Thoughts And Words Begin To Flow Through The Head As I Put My Book Down Trying Desparately To Hold Onto The Words Which Are Constantly Just Out Of Reach. As I Reach For My Book Once Again, I Realize I Am Not Sat On The Rocking Chair Any Longer, I Am Laying On The Floor, The Arm Clutching A Stuffed Animal, Which I, In Irritation, Chuck Across The Room. Both Pets Laying Near As If Guarding Whomever Was Just Here, Come Up To Me And Sniff Me As If Trying To Decide Who I Am. Satisfied With After Sniffing, They Go About Their Business. Again Looking At The Clock I Watch The Front Number Which To 7
I Realize I'm A Bit Sleepy And Decide To Go Lay Down, Nap A Bit. I Open My Eyes After What I Thought Was A Nap To Discover Cross-Stitch In My Hand. Good Thing I Didn't Stretch My Arms I Think, I Might Have Poked Myself With The Needle.
Looking Around Me I Notice N Who Says Something To The Affect Of, 'Hi', As He Searches My Face For Signs Of Who He Is Now Speaking To.
'Alex', I Say, As My Gaze Searches Out The Clock He Says 'It's Just About 8. I Haven't Been Home Long, Raine Was Just Here.' I Am About To Say I'm Hungry When Suddenly I Realize The Stomach Is Full. Cursing Out Loud, N Says 'Sorry We Just Ate You Missed It, I Didn't Realize You Were Hungry.' I Silently Wonder If I Will Ever Get To Do Anything Before It's Time For Resting The Body.
Things Quiet Down As I Am Able To Peacefully Without Incident Do Some Reading And Journaling. I Stop Momentarily As I Think How Nice To Finally Get Some Time To Myself To Actually Do Something, When It Occurs To Me Something Is Off. Wait I Think, I'm In The Bathroom. Cursing Out Loud Again, I Realize Something Is Running Down The Leg.
'What The Fuck Is That', I Say As I Look Down And Simultaneously Realize What It Was.
Pissed I Say Aloud, 'Why Do You All Always Leave Me To Clean Up And Yet All Of You Always Hide The Blade'.
I Open The Drawer And Pull Out The Home-Made Kit I Put Together And Search Through It. As I'm Waiting For The Blood To Stop Flowing, While Hoping This Isn't A Bad One, I Wonder Who It Was That Did That Cut.
At This Point I Notice N Standing In The Doorway When He Sees Me Notice Him He Says, "Why Didn't You Wake Me Before You Did That. Your Yelling Just Woke Me Up. Are You Ok?"
"You Must Have Me Confused It's Alex, I'm Just Cleaning Up" He Nods As He Knows I Don't Cut. As He Asks 'How Bad Is It This Time', I Lift Up The Cloth And We Both See That The Blood Flow Has Stopped And A Trip To The Emergency Room Thankfully Isn't In The Cards For Tonight.
He Exits The Room In Search Of His Ciggarettes As I Bandage The Latest Wound And Finish Cleaning Up. Before Too Long He Falls Back Asleep. I Journal A Bit, While Pondering How To Help Someone Not Feel The Need To Cut When Neither I Nor N Know Who Did It.
Deciding I've Had Enough Reality, I Pick Up My Book And Read. After Watching Roseanne, I Sit Down To Journal And Get The Urge To Write Once Again. Thankfully I Am Finally Able To Write For Awhile. After Writing And A Few Edits I Determine I Am Done Editing Or My Writing Will Never Get Posted.
Alex
Saturday, September 24, 2005
If you could spend one year in perfect happiness
If you could spend one year in perfect happiness, but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? Why or why not?
This prompt was recently shared by a member of a journalwriting group I belong to. I replied to it as did another member of the system, both of us agreeing (which can be rare in the system) that we would take the offer. I was curious as to how other people would respond as the prompt deals with memory. I was surprised by the answers.
Before I knew of being multiple, if you would have asked me x years ago, I would have instantly said no. Years back I would not have taken a year of happiness if I couldn't have remembered it later.
My how time and knowledge and life changes a person.
I can say without a doubt that now I would in a heartbeat take the offer. I wouldn't hesitate. One thing I have learned since finding out I live in a multiple system is that living in the moment is really all I can do.
Pondering the past too much, though necessary sometimes, would leave me unable to get up ever again. I would be unable to function. Knowing the past, our past, would be a terrible thing. It would simply be too much.
Living in the future, thinking about next year, or even tomorrow for that matter is useless for several reasons. I never know when my tomorrow will be. Sharing a body and loosing time is a fact of my life. Waking up and having it 3 days past what I thought was tomorrow is a frequent occurrence. It's more than that though. Thinking about the future is not concentrating on today. One of the biggest things I've learned on this journey so far is that life is what happens whilst your making other plans. While I waste time about pondering the future and figuring out what it will bring, I am wasting precious time. Time that I don't have. Sharing a body means there is never enough time to do as you please. Time is precious here, and we all have learned to treasure the time we have, each and every moment of it. Why waste that on what I can't know.
The future brings surprises no matter how much you think you have it figured out, you don't.
Believe me I would have sent anyone who had told me I was a multiple to their local psych. ward. When I imagined my future, this was not it. Actually I wasn't sure I had a future, and then I planned this nice little life with children. But then life happened, reality happened. I didn't picture being multiple. It happened though. Life is what happened while I made different plans.
That brings me to my point. Why not spend a year in perfect happiness? I do have to ask what that means. Do I get to decide what perfect happiness is? Or is it something that is decided for me? What do I have to loose? Living in the present I would have aproximately 365 days (give or take depending on leap year) to live in happiness to treasure each and every moment. Why worry about what will happen a year from now.
Many in the journal group stated that they would not do it because of the fact they would loose the memory of their year of happiness.
I admit this bewilders me. It makes me wonder and notice how much emphasis is put on memory, and yes how much I don't fit in. It amazes me that people would turn down a year of happiness because they would loose it. What about those 365 days, that is a lot of time (to me) to remember.
I have learned to live without memory. It is the only experience I know. Do I wish it was different, I honestly don't know. I don't know what having memory is like. Therefore I can't really answer that question. The fact is that I don't have memory.
I learned early on to make excuses for why I couldn't remember and to fake remembering to avoid questions I couldn't answer. After the year of happiness and the memory of it was removed, if I didn't have to answer any questions from anyone, I would be very happy. One of the things I hate most is having to fake answers, to pretend to be one, to pretend to know and to remember.
I don't remember from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour and even minute to minute. The idea of remembering for that year perfect happiness, is something that I would jump all over. For me it would be a gift. A gift not only in that sense of having a year of continuous memory (assuming I would), also the ability to be happy.
Quite honestly I would give away my year of happiness to others in the system who don't even understand the word happiness. The idea that someone else more deserving in the system for an entire year could experience happiness, brings tears to my eyes as I write this. That is a happiness that well surpasses a year of perfect happiness. Especially if I could recall giving away my year of happiness, even if I didn't recall giving away my year of happiness, knowing for that year that I had done that for a member of the system,would be a year of perfect happiness for me.
I am forced to live in the present. I know that, I accept that. I can honestly say I think often about the past, I get stuck in trying to piece it together. I am most at peace though when I live in the present, not in the future not in the past.
It occurs to me that many people seem to be concerned with the future. I can't help but think that by living that way, they miss out on now. Now, is a gift. Each moment is a gift, a gift that should be treasured.
Truly,
Sierra
This prompt was recently shared by a member of a journalwriting group I belong to. I replied to it as did another member of the system, both of us agreeing (which can be rare in the system) that we would take the offer. I was curious as to how other people would respond as the prompt deals with memory. I was surprised by the answers.
Before I knew of being multiple, if you would have asked me x years ago, I would have instantly said no. Years back I would not have taken a year of happiness if I couldn't have remembered it later.
My how time and knowledge and life changes a person.
I can say without a doubt that now I would in a heartbeat take the offer. I wouldn't hesitate. One thing I have learned since finding out I live in a multiple system is that living in the moment is really all I can do.
Pondering the past too much, though necessary sometimes, would leave me unable to get up ever again. I would be unable to function. Knowing the past, our past, would be a terrible thing. It would simply be too much.
Living in the future, thinking about next year, or even tomorrow for that matter is useless for several reasons. I never know when my tomorrow will be. Sharing a body and loosing time is a fact of my life. Waking up and having it 3 days past what I thought was tomorrow is a frequent occurrence. It's more than that though. Thinking about the future is not concentrating on today. One of the biggest things I've learned on this journey so far is that life is what happens whilst your making other plans. While I waste time about pondering the future and figuring out what it will bring, I am wasting precious time. Time that I don't have. Sharing a body means there is never enough time to do as you please. Time is precious here, and we all have learned to treasure the time we have, each and every moment of it. Why waste that on what I can't know.
The future brings surprises no matter how much you think you have it figured out, you don't.
Believe me I would have sent anyone who had told me I was a multiple to their local psych. ward. When I imagined my future, this was not it. Actually I wasn't sure I had a future, and then I planned this nice little life with children. But then life happened, reality happened. I didn't picture being multiple. It happened though. Life is what happened while I made different plans.
That brings me to my point. Why not spend a year in perfect happiness? I do have to ask what that means. Do I get to decide what perfect happiness is? Or is it something that is decided for me? What do I have to loose? Living in the present I would have aproximately 365 days (give or take depending on leap year) to live in happiness to treasure each and every moment. Why worry about what will happen a year from now.
Many in the journal group stated that they would not do it because of the fact they would loose the memory of their year of happiness.
I admit this bewilders me. It makes me wonder and notice how much emphasis is put on memory, and yes how much I don't fit in. It amazes me that people would turn down a year of happiness because they would loose it. What about those 365 days, that is a lot of time (to me) to remember.
I have learned to live without memory. It is the only experience I know. Do I wish it was different, I honestly don't know. I don't know what having memory is like. Therefore I can't really answer that question. The fact is that I don't have memory.
I learned early on to make excuses for why I couldn't remember and to fake remembering to avoid questions I couldn't answer. After the year of happiness and the memory of it was removed, if I didn't have to answer any questions from anyone, I would be very happy. One of the things I hate most is having to fake answers, to pretend to be one, to pretend to know and to remember.
I don't remember from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour and even minute to minute. The idea of remembering for that year perfect happiness, is something that I would jump all over. For me it would be a gift. A gift not only in that sense of having a year of continuous memory (assuming I would), also the ability to be happy.
Quite honestly I would give away my year of happiness to others in the system who don't even understand the word happiness. The idea that someone else more deserving in the system for an entire year could experience happiness, brings tears to my eyes as I write this. That is a happiness that well surpasses a year of perfect happiness. Especially if I could recall giving away my year of happiness, even if I didn't recall giving away my year of happiness, knowing for that year that I had done that for a member of the system,would be a year of perfect happiness for me.
I am forced to live in the present. I know that, I accept that. I can honestly say I think often about the past, I get stuck in trying to piece it together. I am most at peace though when I live in the present, not in the future not in the past.
It occurs to me that many people seem to be concerned with the future. I can't help but think that by living that way, they miss out on now. Now, is a gift. Each moment is a gift, a gift that should be treasured.
Truly,
Sierra
Number of patch members
Number Of Patch Members
Does It Matter How Many Of Us There Are?
It Matters To Others In The System I Know That For Sure.
Does It Matter To Me?
I'm Not Sure, And By Saying I'm Not Sure, Does That Mean Yes, I Just Don't Want To Admitt It?
If The Body Got Here, Isn't That What Mattes? Not The Number We Are?
Numbers Are Just That Numbers.
A Number Doesn't Make Us Sick. A Number Doesn't Make Any Of Us Less Than Who We Are.
It Is A Number.
And Yet If It Is Just A Number Why Am I Unable To Write That Number Here?
Alex
Does It Matter How Many Of Us There Are?
It Matters To Others In The System I Know That For Sure.
Does It Matter To Me?
I'm Not Sure, And By Saying I'm Not Sure, Does That Mean Yes, I Just Don't Want To Admitt It?
If The Body Got Here, Isn't That What Mattes? Not The Number We Are?
Numbers Are Just That Numbers.
A Number Doesn't Make Us Sick. A Number Doesn't Make Any Of Us Less Than Who We Are.
It Is A Number.
And Yet If It Is Just A Number Why Am I Unable To Write That Number Here?
Alex
What does "Not being anything" mean?
The Phrase Not Being Anything To Me Means Not Existing. It Means Not Being Part Of Anything. Going Back To Whereever I Was Before I Was A Berri Is Not Being Anything. Being A Berri, Being A Guardian Gives Me A Great Deal Of Satisfaction. It Fills Me With Pride And Makes Me Feel Like I Am Something, Gives Me Meaning.
Not Having A Purpose, Also To Me Is Very Similar In Meaning To Not Being Anything. To Have No Purpose Is To Float Around, With No Anything.
As Long As I Have Form, A Vessel To Use Out Here (Outside Body) , And A Body Of My Own Inside, I Am Something. Loosing The Ability To Fill The Vessel And/Or The Use Of My Body Inside, Would Make Me Feel Like I Was Not Anything.
I Wonder If Those In The World Who Aren't Something, Or Percieve They Aren't Something, Are Suicidal? Do They Struggle To Live Feeling They Aren't Anything?
Is Not Being Anything A Matter Of Just Breathing? As Long As People Breathe Are They Something? Is It More Complex Than That?
Are All Humans Something? Are All Living Things Something? Are Rocks Living? They Are Something.
When I Sit Here And Contemplate That Phrase, 'Not Being Anything' What Repeatedly Comes To Mind Is Quite Simple. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul, Then I Am Nothing. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul I Would No Long Be Anything. I Would Loose The Ability To Think, To Have Time, To Exist, To Be Me.
Alex
Not Having A Purpose, Also To Me Is Very Similar In Meaning To Not Being Anything. To Have No Purpose Is To Float Around, With No Anything.
As Long As I Have Form, A Vessel To Use Out Here (Outside Body) , And A Body Of My Own Inside, I Am Something. Loosing The Ability To Fill The Vessel And/Or The Use Of My Body Inside, Would Make Me Feel Like I Was Not Anything.
I Wonder If Those In The World Who Aren't Something, Or Percieve They Aren't Something, Are Suicidal? Do They Struggle To Live Feeling They Aren't Anything?
Is Not Being Anything A Matter Of Just Breathing? As Long As People Breathe Are They Something? Is It More Complex Than That?
Are All Humans Something? Are All Living Things Something? Are Rocks Living? They Are Something.
When I Sit Here And Contemplate That Phrase, 'Not Being Anything' What Repeatedly Comes To Mind Is Quite Simple. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul, Then I Am Nothing. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul I Would No Long Be Anything. I Would Loose The Ability To Think, To Have Time, To Exist, To Be Me.
Alex
Thursday, September 22, 2005
The Thickening Plot
The Thickening Plot
The Plot Thickens As 2 New Souls Appeared Out Today And Met N (The Husband Of Some Of The Others)
Not New To Being Alive Souls, Rather Souls Who Had Expereinced Trauma And Hadn't Still Haven't A Clue Time Has Passed And They Are Safe.
One Traumatized Unspeaking One, One Animal, And One Other Who Is Angry And Protective Of The Other One And Either Tried To Or Managed To Hit N A Few Times.
System In A Bit Of Chaos. What Is It One Of The Littles Says In Reference To A Song? Oh
She Says "We Will Subib, Which Translated To We Will Survive.
Just Have To Wait The System Regaining It's Legs So To Speak.
Tonight Is A Sleeping Medicine Night.
Alex
The Plot Thickens As 2 New Souls Appeared Out Today And Met N (The Husband Of Some Of The Others)
Not New To Being Alive Souls, Rather Souls Who Had Expereinced Trauma And Hadn't Still Haven't A Clue Time Has Passed And They Are Safe.
One Traumatized Unspeaking One, One Animal, And One Other Who Is Angry And Protective Of The Other One And Either Tried To Or Managed To Hit N A Few Times.
System In A Bit Of Chaos. What Is It One Of The Littles Says In Reference To A Song? Oh
She Says "We Will Subib, Which Translated To We Will Survive.
Just Have To Wait The System Regaining It's Legs So To Speak.
Tonight Is A Sleeping Medicine Night.
Alex
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Where to begin? Just where is the beginning?
I find myself struggling with where to begin in telling about my discovery at being part of a multiple experience.
Should I begin with experiences that looking back were signs?
Should I begin with the first things that made me feel something was wrong with me?
Should I begin with my feelings about being multiple?
The experience of time slipping and dissapearing? The expereinces of hearing internal voices not mine?
The experience of the body moving without me moving it?
The experience of having to wait to get information about the childhood.
I don't know when I came to be. I know approximately when my own memories began. The memories of before I came to be, I have to wait to be given to me.
Should I begin with realizing more and more the life I thought I lived, the childhood I thought I had, didn't exist? It was all a lie.
So much and I just don't know where to start.
I'm fearful too, fearful at writing and reading and strange things being written. I don't control the hands typing. I think , they type what I think, only sometimes they just write other things. I'm fearful of what I may learn in attempting to write about how I came to know I was a multiple, and how hubby came to know.
If only I could decide where to start. Or do I just start and see what comes out? Start in a computer journal entry and then cut and paste it when it feel right?
How do I tell a story that has no real linear begin or end? When time is just a collection of moments, strung together, how do I put that in an order anyone can understand or make sense of.
Truly,
Sierra
Should I begin with experiences that looking back were signs?
Should I begin with the first things that made me feel something was wrong with me?
Should I begin with my feelings about being multiple?
The experience of time slipping and dissapearing? The expereinces of hearing internal voices not mine?
The experience of the body moving without me moving it?
The experience of having to wait to get information about the childhood.
I don't know when I came to be. I know approximately when my own memories began. The memories of before I came to be, I have to wait to be given to me.
Should I begin with realizing more and more the life I thought I lived, the childhood I thought I had, didn't exist? It was all a lie.
So much and I just don't know where to start.
I'm fearful too, fearful at writing and reading and strange things being written. I don't control the hands typing. I think , they type what I think, only sometimes they just write other things. I'm fearful of what I may learn in attempting to write about how I came to know I was a multiple, and how hubby came to know.
If only I could decide where to start. Or do I just start and see what comes out? Start in a computer journal entry and then cut and paste it when it feel right?
How do I tell a story that has no real linear begin or end? When time is just a collection of moments, strung together, how do I put that in an order anyone can understand or make sense of.
Truly,
Sierra
Why Is It That A topic Such As Religon Gets Everyone So Up In Arms And Upset? Why Is It Some People Are So Very Untolerant Of The Beliefs Of Others That They Publicly Say Ridiculous Things That Defy Logic?
My Knowledge Banks Tell Me The Country Was Founded For Religous Freedom, Freedom We Weren't Permitted In England. And Now It Seems That Our Very Government Is Trying To Inject Religon Into Public Policy. That Is Wrong. Also According To My Knowledge Banks, There Is Supposed To Be Separation Of Church And State. This Is Stated In Either The Constitution Or The Bill Of Rights. Have Politians And Many In Society Forgotten That Very Fact? Can They Not Put Down Their Bibles Long Enough To Read The Constitution Or Bill Of Rights?
Why Is It That Religons Are So Untolerant Of Those Not Like Themselves? Surely If There Is A God And He Wanted All Man To Be The Same He Would Have Made Everyone The Same.
I'm Not A Religious Person. I Truly Don't Believe In That. I'm Not So Ignorant However To Say To The World, Nathan Or Other Berriez For That MatterThat They Must Hold The Same Beliefs I Do. To Do So Would Be Unbelievably Rude And Callous, And Downright Unfair Of Me. It Would Be Saying I Am Better Than They And Therefore Everyone Must Believe As I Do.
I Believe God To Be Something Many People Need To Believe In For The World And Their Lives To Be Ok, And Make Some Sense To Them. They Can't Accept Bad Shit Happens, But They Can Say 'God Has A Reason' For Them They Find That Thought Comforting. I Find That Thought Ridiculous And Asinine. (In Case Anyone Wonders)
They Say God Created The World, And All This Other Stuff, I Say Where Is The Proof? What Is God? People Say We Can't Conceive Of God Because Of The Limits Of Human Thought. And Yet They Believe He Is There. I Don't Buy It. There Is No Proof Enough To Make A True Disbeliever Believe Nor Is There Adequate Proof To Make A Believer Disbelieve.
I Find The Idea Of Religon Strange. Yes I Admitt I Have A Very Limited Understanding Of Religon. So Many People And Such Strong Believes And Yet They Don't Find IT Wrong To Persecute And Kill Others For Not Believing What They Do. Throughout History The War Of Faith And Religon Vs. Religon Plays Out Again And Again. If There Was A God, Is Fighting And Killing Each Other (As We Are All Humans)What He Really Wants?
Why Is It That So Many Faiths Say There Is Only One Correct Religon And Not Only Is Their Religon The Correct One, But Everyone Else Who Believes Anything Else Is Doomed To Hell Or Whatever. If God Were To Exist Is It Really What Religon You Are That He Cares About? Is A Murderer Who Is The Correct Religon Going To Heaven, While A Man Who Helped Fellow Man, Treated All He Knew Well And Lived A Good Decent Life Going To Hell Because He Wasn't The Correct Religon?
If There Is A God Is It Not Possible That He Put The Idea Of Different Religons In The Minds Of Different People Because Not All People Think Alike. (What A Boring World It Would Be To All Think And Be Alike)
Why Does There Have To Be A God? Because Nothing Makes Sense Without One? Because That Is What Some Parent Or School Taught? What Happened Free Thinking? What Happened To Forming One's Own Opinions After Learning And Studying A Variety Of Religions? Why Is It Something You Blindly Believe Without Really Understanding.
Yet I Get The Thought That When Heidi (The One Who Loves To Discuss Religons All Of Them) Says Things Like That, People Are Quick To Dismiss Those Thoughts As Just Not Possible Though They Have No Proof It Isn't Possible.
Why Does Belief In Some Religons Equal Looking Down On So Many Others? Are They Really So Arogant To Think They Are Better Than The Rest Of Us? What Does That Make Them? Close To God? Acting In God's Name? Did God Ask People To Act In His Name? If He Is AllKnowing And All Powerful Does He Really Need Some Lowely Human To Act And Speak For Him? Doesn't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Buy It.
I Believe God And The Bible And Other Religous Texts are Books That Were Written By Ancient People To Make Sense Of Nature, To Give Them A Sense Of Control Over Their Lives And Destiny, When In Reality We Are All At Risk For The Fury Of Mother Nature. Saying That A Terrorist Act And That A Hurricane Befell A Certain Area Of The Country Because Of A Woman Who Is Gay, Or Because Of Any Other Supposed Violation Of The Bible Gives Some People Some Strange Sense Of Control OF The World Around Them, Especially When They Blame It On People Who Act Totally Unlike Themselves For Then They Believe They Are Safe.
To Take The Bible Word For Word Or As Fact Is As Ridiculous As taking What Hitler Wrote As Fact, Or As What Anne Rice Or Stephen King Wrote As Fact. Perhaps Some Day Far In The Future, People Will Believe Some Anne Rice Book Is To Be Interpretted Literally And Accepted As Fact, And The Basis For A Religon, Or A James Patterson, Or Stephen King Novel. Just Because Some People Accept The Bible As Fact Doesn't Mean It Is, Just As Me Saying It Isn't Based On Fact Doesn't Mean It Isn't.
The Truth Is Nobody Knows. Do We Find Out When We Die? Perhaps, We'll All Just Have To Wait And See.
I Think Concentrating On Religon To The Exclusion Of Life, To Forget About The Things That Are Equally If Not More Important, To Persecute And Condemn People Publicly For Their Lifestyle Or Beliefs Is Wrong, And Way Off Base. I Also Think If There IS A God, He Wouldn't Aprove.
I've Not Read The Bible. I Don't Pretend I Have. But I Find It Hard To Believe It Condones The Ways Many Religious People Act. Seems More Like People Pick And Choose What To Take As Fact. The Bible Is Interpreted Every Day And Each Person Who Interprets It, Including Those Who Wrote It, Put There Own Spin On It, Based On Their Own Lifes, History, And Personal Beliefs. 5 People May Read The Same Exact Of Any Book And Get 5 Different Things From That Book, And Interpret The Same Book In 5 Different Ways, Because Of How It Is Interpreted.
Take My Words For What You May, That's What I Think And I'm Sticking To It.
Alex
My Knowledge Banks Tell Me The Country Was Founded For Religous Freedom, Freedom We Weren't Permitted In England. And Now It Seems That Our Very Government Is Trying To Inject Religon Into Public Policy. That Is Wrong. Also According To My Knowledge Banks, There Is Supposed To Be Separation Of Church And State. This Is Stated In Either The Constitution Or The Bill Of Rights. Have Politians And Many In Society Forgotten That Very Fact? Can They Not Put Down Their Bibles Long Enough To Read The Constitution Or Bill Of Rights?
Why Is It That Religons Are So Untolerant Of Those Not Like Themselves? Surely If There Is A God And He Wanted All Man To Be The Same He Would Have Made Everyone The Same.
I'm Not A Religious Person. I Truly Don't Believe In That. I'm Not So Ignorant However To Say To The World, Nathan Or Other Berriez For That MatterThat They Must Hold The Same Beliefs I Do. To Do So Would Be Unbelievably Rude And Callous, And Downright Unfair Of Me. It Would Be Saying I Am Better Than They And Therefore Everyone Must Believe As I Do.
I Believe God To Be Something Many People Need To Believe In For The World And Their Lives To Be Ok, And Make Some Sense To Them. They Can't Accept Bad Shit Happens, But They Can Say 'God Has A Reason' For Them They Find That Thought Comforting. I Find That Thought Ridiculous And Asinine. (In Case Anyone Wonders)
They Say God Created The World, And All This Other Stuff, I Say Where Is The Proof? What Is God? People Say We Can't Conceive Of God Because Of The Limits Of Human Thought. And Yet They Believe He Is There. I Don't Buy It. There Is No Proof Enough To Make A True Disbeliever Believe Nor Is There Adequate Proof To Make A Believer Disbelieve.
I Find The Idea Of Religon Strange. Yes I Admitt I Have A Very Limited Understanding Of Religon. So Many People And Such Strong Believes And Yet They Don't Find IT Wrong To Persecute And Kill Others For Not Believing What They Do. Throughout History The War Of Faith And Religon Vs. Religon Plays Out Again And Again. If There Was A God, Is Fighting And Killing Each Other (As We Are All Humans)What He Really Wants?
Why Is It That So Many Faiths Say There Is Only One Correct Religon And Not Only Is Their Religon The Correct One, But Everyone Else Who Believes Anything Else Is Doomed To Hell Or Whatever. If God Were To Exist Is It Really What Religon You Are That He Cares About? Is A Murderer Who Is The Correct Religon Going To Heaven, While A Man Who Helped Fellow Man, Treated All He Knew Well And Lived A Good Decent Life Going To Hell Because He Wasn't The Correct Religon?
If There Is A God Is It Not Possible That He Put The Idea Of Different Religons In The Minds Of Different People Because Not All People Think Alike. (What A Boring World It Would Be To All Think And Be Alike)
Why Does There Have To Be A God? Because Nothing Makes Sense Without One? Because That Is What Some Parent Or School Taught? What Happened Free Thinking? What Happened To Forming One's Own Opinions After Learning And Studying A Variety Of Religions? Why Is It Something You Blindly Believe Without Really Understanding.
Yet I Get The Thought That When Heidi (The One Who Loves To Discuss Religons All Of Them) Says Things Like That, People Are Quick To Dismiss Those Thoughts As Just Not Possible Though They Have No Proof It Isn't Possible.
Why Does Belief In Some Religons Equal Looking Down On So Many Others? Are They Really So Arogant To Think They Are Better Than The Rest Of Us? What Does That Make Them? Close To God? Acting In God's Name? Did God Ask People To Act In His Name? If He Is AllKnowing And All Powerful Does He Really Need Some Lowely Human To Act And Speak For Him? Doesn't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Buy It.
I Believe God And The Bible And Other Religous Texts are Books That Were Written By Ancient People To Make Sense Of Nature, To Give Them A Sense Of Control Over Their Lives And Destiny, When In Reality We Are All At Risk For The Fury Of Mother Nature. Saying That A Terrorist Act And That A Hurricane Befell A Certain Area Of The Country Because Of A Woman Who Is Gay, Or Because Of Any Other Supposed Violation Of The Bible Gives Some People Some Strange Sense Of Control OF The World Around Them, Especially When They Blame It On People Who Act Totally Unlike Themselves For Then They Believe They Are Safe.
To Take The Bible Word For Word Or As Fact Is As Ridiculous As taking What Hitler Wrote As Fact, Or As What Anne Rice Or Stephen King Wrote As Fact. Perhaps Some Day Far In The Future, People Will Believe Some Anne Rice Book Is To Be Interpretted Literally And Accepted As Fact, And The Basis For A Religon, Or A James Patterson, Or Stephen King Novel. Just Because Some People Accept The Bible As Fact Doesn't Mean It Is, Just As Me Saying It Isn't Based On Fact Doesn't Mean It Isn't.
The Truth Is Nobody Knows. Do We Find Out When We Die? Perhaps, We'll All Just Have To Wait And See.
I Think Concentrating On Religon To The Exclusion Of Life, To Forget About The Things That Are Equally If Not More Important, To Persecute And Condemn People Publicly For Their Lifestyle Or Beliefs Is Wrong, And Way Off Base. I Also Think If There IS A God, He Wouldn't Aprove.
I've Not Read The Bible. I Don't Pretend I Have. But I Find It Hard To Believe It Condones The Ways Many Religious People Act. Seems More Like People Pick And Choose What To Take As Fact. The Bible Is Interpreted Every Day And Each Person Who Interprets It, Including Those Who Wrote It, Put There Own Spin On It, Based On Their Own Lifes, History, And Personal Beliefs. 5 People May Read The Same Exact Of Any Book And Get 5 Different Things From That Book, And Interpret The Same Book In 5 Different Ways, Because Of How It Is Interpreted.
Take My Words For What You May, That's What I Think And I'm Sticking To It.
Alex
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
When I check inside I find
When I Check Inside I Find........
a whole slew of people of various ages and developmental levels. I find a world separate from the outside world. A world with so many things and areas, both explored and unexplored. I find Souls who are possessing emotions and memories of a wide variety of shape, size, and level.
I find sadness, and hurt. I find anger, and rage. I find panic and terror. I find acceptness and disbelieve. I find remembering and forgetting. I find memories and images of years long past. I find littles cowering from memories and people not alive. I find disbelieve that it is possible to be safe.
I see survivors. I See unwillingness to give up. I see strength and courage, similar to the strength and courage displayed by the survivors of hurricane Katrina.
I see joy and laugther at the small things. The smile at a new stuffie from the thrift store. The joy at a 50 cent puzzle or 25 cent book. The amazement that Nathan really listens to them, hears them and responds. The amazement that the rules are few and consistent. I notice amazement at learning it is ok to spill, ok to do so many things that weren't permitted. So many littles, so many young ones, so much courage it humbles me.
I find animals of all sorts when I look inside. As protectors animals don't betray as humans do. Animals don't fail. I see animals with such amazing kindness and protection and love in their eyes for the child or children they protect.
I see nature beautiful and untouched by the human hand. Nature that will live forever. Nature that is untouched.
I see daylight inside, In a world that has no night. For night and dawn was the danger time. The time bad men came.
I see confusion when I look inside. Confusion at why they share a body. Confusion and terror at learning that the outside body doesn't look like they do. I see confusion and terror over learning that it isn't something all adults do, confusion and disbelief that it wasn't ok, nor all they were good for. I see confusion when Nathan asks before he hugs, confusion that crying doesn't mean punishment.
Most of all when I look inside I see survivors. For that is what we all are. Survivors. We survived what many do not. We survived to escape that hell. We survived to see another day and we still do.
We survived like many people in the New Orleans area did. And we mourn those who didn't survive, both those in the New Orleans area and victims of all crimes who don't survive.
Truly,
Sierra
a whole slew of people of various ages and developmental levels. I find a world separate from the outside world. A world with so many things and areas, both explored and unexplored. I find Souls who are possessing emotions and memories of a wide variety of shape, size, and level.
I find sadness, and hurt. I find anger, and rage. I find panic and terror. I find acceptness and disbelieve. I find remembering and forgetting. I find memories and images of years long past. I find littles cowering from memories and people not alive. I find disbelieve that it is possible to be safe.
I see survivors. I See unwillingness to give up. I see strength and courage, similar to the strength and courage displayed by the survivors of hurricane Katrina.
I see joy and laugther at the small things. The smile at a new stuffie from the thrift store. The joy at a 50 cent puzzle or 25 cent book. The amazement that Nathan really listens to them, hears them and responds. The amazement that the rules are few and consistent. I notice amazement at learning it is ok to spill, ok to do so many things that weren't permitted. So many littles, so many young ones, so much courage it humbles me.
I find animals of all sorts when I look inside. As protectors animals don't betray as humans do. Animals don't fail. I see animals with such amazing kindness and protection and love in their eyes for the child or children they protect.
I see nature beautiful and untouched by the human hand. Nature that will live forever. Nature that is untouched.
I see daylight inside, In a world that has no night. For night and dawn was the danger time. The time bad men came.
I see confusion when I look inside. Confusion at why they share a body. Confusion and terror at learning that the outside body doesn't look like they do. I see confusion and terror over learning that it isn't something all adults do, confusion and disbelief that it wasn't ok, nor all they were good for. I see confusion when Nathan asks before he hugs, confusion that crying doesn't mean punishment.
Most of all when I look inside I see survivors. For that is what we all are. Survivors. We survived what many do not. We survived to escape that hell. We survived to see another day and we still do.
We survived like many people in the New Orleans area did. And we mourn those who didn't survive, both those in the New Orleans area and victims of all crimes who don't survive.
Truly,
Sierra
What emotions surface when you see small children?
What emotions surface when you see small children?
Longing, as I desperately want children of my own.
Joy at seeing carefree, joyous, happy children.
Sadness at seeing just how small they are. It makes me wonder who could do such awful things to a child and why?
Confusion. I wonder was this body ever actually that small?
Irritation as people who have children to be part of the 2.5 statistic.
Irritation at people who don't treasure there children. They are people not possesions.
Longing, as I desperately want children of my own.
Joy at seeing carefree, joyous, happy children.
Sadness at seeing just how small they are. It makes me wonder who could do such awful things to a child and why?
Confusion. I wonder was this body ever actually that small?
Irritation as people who have children to be part of the 2.5 statistic.
Irritation at people who don't treasure there children. They are people not possesions.
Monday, September 5, 2005
Males/Females/Animals
When many people think of multiple I think they mostly think of Sybil, Eve, or The When Rabbit Howls book. I think it important to realize that every multiple is different. Just as every human is different. The following is our experiences. And a bit about Sybils experiences.
It is important to remember that when it comes to Souls that are created, what is created is soley what is unconsciously (for the most part) percieved as necessary to survive. What I mean is that for the most part creating Souls is not something that is thought of and decided in advance.
Sybil had 2 males, Sid, and Mike. They thought that when they aged they would be male, a line from the book I recall when Dr. Wilbur asked how their male parts would get there, said 'we'll push them out'.
We have males as well. Our body is female. J is an adult and is um an angry (to say the least). He represents the abusers. He often says things like they did, and generally speaking scared/terrifies most of the system. Even his voice is quite similar to this abuser.. He is an internal representation of at least one abuser. There is one male child I am not allowed to speak of here. There are also 3 other males that come to mind after pondering it a bit. One is a teen, and is an internal only. What that means is that he never comes out into the world. He is our builder, he builds things inside in our landscape/world. The other 2, the Max's are both kids. A few years seem to separate them. One holds memory and teeth pain of an event of falling off the monkey bars and breaking the teeth, which as punishment he was made to wait some number of days before seeing a dentist. OlderMax still feels that pain, and anger over that. (all that information was relaying by our husband). YoungerMax I don't know anything about, if the husband does he either hasn't said or I have forgotten.
They seem to think that they will be men some day. To date Nathan has put off that conversation. They both think of the others in the system as their sisters and the older Max protects them, and exhibits strong desires to protect his sisters from 'anyone who will upset them or make them cry'.
They do boy type things, they climb trees inside. They have trucks and stuff out here. The hubby plays catch with them, and does other boy things.
That brings me to animals.
We have animals too. I won't go into the types of animals at this time because the animals are protectors and don't wish that information to be talked about. There are a wide variety however. They exist to protect. They act like an animal of their type would. They mostly stick to protecting one child, or 2 children each. They send thoughts to the head of those they speak too, but speak mostly to the child or children they protect.
It is worth mentioning, that according to the DID literature (which has good things and bad things to say) some animals when you look underneath them are actually children. This has not come up for us, and I believe our animals to date are animals.
The large majority of us are female. Most of us are heterosexual or interested in neither gender. There is one we know of who is either bisexual or lesbian.
Truly,
Sierra
It is important to remember that when it comes to Souls that are created, what is created is soley what is unconsciously (for the most part) percieved as necessary to survive. What I mean is that for the most part creating Souls is not something that is thought of and decided in advance.
Sybil had 2 males, Sid, and Mike. They thought that when they aged they would be male, a line from the book I recall when Dr. Wilbur asked how their male parts would get there, said 'we'll push them out'.
We have males as well. Our body is female. J is an adult and is um an angry (to say the least). He represents the abusers. He often says things like they did, and generally speaking scared/terrifies most of the system. Even his voice is quite similar to this abuser.. He is an internal representation of at least one abuser. There is one male child I am not allowed to speak of here. There are also 3 other males that come to mind after pondering it a bit. One is a teen, and is an internal only. What that means is that he never comes out into the world. He is our builder, he builds things inside in our landscape/world. The other 2, the Max's are both kids. A few years seem to separate them. One holds memory and teeth pain of an event of falling off the monkey bars and breaking the teeth, which as punishment he was made to wait some number of days before seeing a dentist. OlderMax still feels that pain, and anger over that. (all that information was relaying by our husband). YoungerMax I don't know anything about, if the husband does he either hasn't said or I have forgotten.
They seem to think that they will be men some day. To date Nathan has put off that conversation. They both think of the others in the system as their sisters and the older Max protects them, and exhibits strong desires to protect his sisters from 'anyone who will upset them or make them cry'.
They do boy type things, they climb trees inside. They have trucks and stuff out here. The hubby plays catch with them, and does other boy things.
That brings me to animals.
We have animals too. I won't go into the types of animals at this time because the animals are protectors and don't wish that information to be talked about. There are a wide variety however. They exist to protect. They act like an animal of their type would. They mostly stick to protecting one child, or 2 children each. They send thoughts to the head of those they speak too, but speak mostly to the child or children they protect.
It is worth mentioning, that according to the DID literature (which has good things and bad things to say) some animals when you look underneath them are actually children. This has not come up for us, and I believe our animals to date are animals.
The large majority of us are female. Most of us are heterosexual or interested in neither gender. There is one we know of who is either bisexual or lesbian.
Truly,
Sierra
Sunday, September 4, 2005
What Am I?
Parts, Alters, Inners, Others, People, Souls,
When I First Came Into Being And Was Told I Was Part Of A Multiple System, I Didn't Really Understand What It Meant. I Decided To Do Some Research. I Learned How To Use The Computer And One Evening Typed MPD, And Then DID into google.com. Woah My GoodnessWhat Interesting And Different Results I Got.
Some Of Sites Said Nothing More Than It Is A Ploy For Attention, Or Invented By Therapists Wanting To Make Money.
The Sites I Did Find Information On, The Information Was Bothersome To Me For Many Reasons, One Of Which I Will Now Discuss . I Saw The Word Part, Or Alter All Over The Place. It Was Difficult To See Anything But Those Words.
I Can't Speak For Every Multiple In The World. I Can Only Speak For This One And All Berriez Agree On This (One Of The Few Things We All Agree On) We Aren't Parts. The Word Part, Implies Less Than. It Implies I Am Less Than A Human, A Car Has Parts, A Tv Has Parts. I Am Not A Part. Hell Even A Body Has Parts. I Am Not However A Walking Leg, Or Just An Arm. I Am Me. I May Be Part Of A Multiple System, But I Am A Complete Person. That's Right A Person.
Let's Take The Other Popular Word Alter. Alter Is Short For Alternate. As In Alternate Personality. I Am Not An Alternate Personality. I Am A Person. Yes There Are Many Persons Sharing This Body. I Get That. To Say I Am An Alternate Is Again Degrading Me By Implying I Am Less Than. It Is Like Saying I Am Less Than The One Born In This Body. I Am Not Less Than Anyone. I Am Me.
Some Web Sites By Multiples Use The Word Inners. Although This Word Is Much Better Than Both Part, And Alter, I Am Not An Inner. The Word Inner Implies Inside. I Am Not Inside Right Now. I Am Outside In The Outside World. It Is My Opinion That The Word Inner Was Invented By An Orignal Born, Who Didn't Want To Refer To Her Souls As People.
The Word Others Is A Word That Some Of Those Souls Here Use. It Is A Word That We 'Others' Don't Like. It Is Often Spoken As If We Are Again Less Than Or Scarey. When Someone Here Says Others, What We See Them As Meaning Is "You Who Are Not Equal To Me". As If Calling Me A Person, Or A Soul, Or By Name Makes Me Real.
Saying I Am A Person That Is Ok. That Is Acknowledging I Am A Person. It Doesn't Imply I Am Less Than Or Flawed. Person Is Definatly A Word I Can Live With.
That Brings Me To Our Choice Of Word: Souls. Now Some Multiples Not In Our System Object To This Word, For A Variety Of Reasons (To Each His/Her Own) Those In The Berriez Like This Word. A Soul According To Webster Definition 7 Is A Person. To Me Soul Acknowledges Me As Me. It Acknowledges I Am Seperate And Whole. It Isn't Degrading.
We Also Sometimes Use The Word Members. It Isn't A Derogatory Word, And I Use It Though I Still Prefer Souls.
Alex
When I First Came Into Being And Was Told I Was Part Of A Multiple System, I Didn't Really Understand What It Meant. I Decided To Do Some Research. I Learned How To Use The Computer And One Evening Typed MPD, And Then DID into google.com. Woah My GoodnessWhat Interesting And Different Results I Got.
Some Of Sites Said Nothing More Than It Is A Ploy For Attention, Or Invented By Therapists Wanting To Make Money.
The Sites I Did Find Information On, The Information Was Bothersome To Me For Many Reasons, One Of Which I Will Now Discuss . I Saw The Word Part, Or Alter All Over The Place. It Was Difficult To See Anything But Those Words.
I Can't Speak For Every Multiple In The World. I Can Only Speak For This One And All Berriez Agree On This (One Of The Few Things We All Agree On) We Aren't Parts. The Word Part, Implies Less Than. It Implies I Am Less Than A Human, A Car Has Parts, A Tv Has Parts. I Am Not A Part. Hell Even A Body Has Parts. I Am Not However A Walking Leg, Or Just An Arm. I Am Me. I May Be Part Of A Multiple System, But I Am A Complete Person. That's Right A Person.
Let's Take The Other Popular Word Alter. Alter Is Short For Alternate. As In Alternate Personality. I Am Not An Alternate Personality. I Am A Person. Yes There Are Many Persons Sharing This Body. I Get That. To Say I Am An Alternate Is Again Degrading Me By Implying I Am Less Than. It Is Like Saying I Am Less Than The One Born In This Body. I Am Not Less Than Anyone. I Am Me.
Some Web Sites By Multiples Use The Word Inners. Although This Word Is Much Better Than Both Part, And Alter, I Am Not An Inner. The Word Inner Implies Inside. I Am Not Inside Right Now. I Am Outside In The Outside World. It Is My Opinion That The Word Inner Was Invented By An Orignal Born, Who Didn't Want To Refer To Her Souls As People.
The Word Others Is A Word That Some Of Those Souls Here Use. It Is A Word That We 'Others' Don't Like. It Is Often Spoken As If We Are Again Less Than Or Scarey. When Someone Here Says Others, What We See Them As Meaning Is "You Who Are Not Equal To Me". As If Calling Me A Person, Or A Soul, Or By Name Makes Me Real.
Saying I Am A Person That Is Ok. That Is Acknowledging I Am A Person. It Doesn't Imply I Am Less Than Or Flawed. Person Is Definatly A Word I Can Live With.
That Brings Me To Our Choice Of Word: Souls. Now Some Multiples Not In Our System Object To This Word, For A Variety Of Reasons (To Each His/Her Own) Those In The Berriez Like This Word. A Soul According To Webster Definition 7 Is A Person. To Me Soul Acknowledges Me As Me. It Acknowledges I Am Seperate And Whole. It Isn't Degrading.
We Also Sometimes Use The Word Members. It Isn't A Derogatory Word, And I Use It Though I Still Prefer Souls.
Alex
The Physical Body
I Don't Have A Body That I Can Do As I Please With. I Am Stuck With Sharing This One That Looks Nothing Like Me As I Look Inside. I Hate It Often. I Hate It That Way. It Isn't Fair. I Didn't Ask To Be Created. I Didn't Ask To Be Here, So Why Should I Suffer Having To Share Time, And All The Other Hassles That Come From Being In A Multiple System?
There Are Always Other Souls Checking Over What I Do. Telling Me I Shouldn't Have Said Or Wrote That. It Isn't Fair. I Don't Have Independence. I Don't Think I Ever Will.
We See The Body As A Suit, That We Step Into To Be Out Here. I Want To Be Out Here As Myself Without This Suit.
That Picture Is What I Look Like Inside, Hair Color And Dark Eye Wise. I Don't Carry Around Torches.
Some Think It Is The Bodies Fault, That The Body Is At Fault For Us Being Multiple.
I Don't Know What Is At Fault, The Bad Things Happened Way Before I Came Into Existing.
Alex
There Are Always Other Souls Checking Over What I Do. Telling Me I Shouldn't Have Said Or Wrote That. It Isn't Fair. I Don't Have Independence. I Don't Think I Ever Will.
We See The Body As A Suit, That We Step Into To Be Out Here. I Want To Be Out Here As Myself Without This Suit.
That Picture Is What I Look Like Inside, Hair Color And Dark Eye Wise. I Don't Carry Around Torches.
Some Think It Is The Bodies Fault, That The Body Is At Fault For Us Being Multiple.
I Don't Know What Is At Fault, The Bad Things Happened Way Before I Came Into Existing.
Alex
Saturday, September 3, 2005
My Favorite Place- Prompt Reply- Jak Noone
My Favorite Place-Prompt Reply
Close your eyes and think for a while about your favourite place in the whole world. Now paint a word-picture of that place. Describe it in as much detail as you can, as though you are there right now.
Slowly I walk up the hill. As I get closer, the vast colors of pink, purple, blue, orange, red become more clear, and the scent more pronounced. I am anxious and this field of flowers is my goal, my refuge, my peace, If I can hang on until I get there all will be ok. I feel surrounded by love and beauty there, in thinking about it, I break into a run. I must be there now.
As I arrive at my destination, the sight pulls me in, I am as awe struck as I was that first long ago day when I happened upon this most beautious wonderously peaceful scene.
The breeze gently blows the tops of the stems and flowers causing them to sway ever so gently on it's way to fill my mind with the fragrant scent of flowers. The scent of flowers so strong and so intermingled I am unable to tell what blooms I smell.
All the cares of the world drop away as my legs are brushed by the gently swaying flowers. Peace washes over me, and I can breath again.
I deeply inhale the wonderous scent, as my mind fills with the memory of the day I happened upon my field of flowers. It was a terrible awful time, and I was soo beside myself with fear anxiety, and hell that I was planning to die. I was soo tired so exhausted over no sleep in the days leading up to that moment, I didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't stop the endless stream of thoughts, I needed peace, peace I thought only death could bring. I stood taking in the sudden scene before me and my mind filled with the powerful fragrant flowers, filling my sight with beautiful colors and soft movement as far as my eyes could see. Strange I thought as my breath calmed, as my mind becan to slow down. The exhaustion hit me suddenly as I decided to sit down and rest a bit. The flowers were just drawing me in, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the glorious scent. The flowers then making a wonderful bed, as they still do today, soft and pillowy. I slept long on that day.
When I awoke immeadiatly I noticed how refreshed I felt, how calm. I decided that the field was too wonderous to not experience again, so I had to live, that one experience left such an impression I couldn't die, I had to experience that field again.
Since that day that field, is my refuge. It is where I go to calm down, to sleep, to stop the endless stream of thoughts, to remind and renew that decision to live.
It is as it was on that long ago day. My breathing heavy as a result of my running. It changes not a bit, the flowers bloom constantly, the color ever bright. The breeze changes direction but blows evermore. The colors are as intense as they ever were. The glorious smell is soo powerful,so wonderous and yet I only pick up hints of distinct blooms. Jasmine, Lavender, Rose, and so many other scents and blooms I am unfamiliar with.
The flowers so high that to walk amongst them they almost reach waist length. They are perfect refuge to hide from the world. To lay down and rest, as the world and all in it fall away. It is a healing place for me to be. A place to make sense of the world, often the only place that makes sense to me.
They are part of my world. My gift from the world my wonderous place of peace. I owe them my very life, that field has saved my life time and time again.
JakNoOnE
Close your eyes and think for a while about your favourite place in the whole world. Now paint a word-picture of that place. Describe it in as much detail as you can, as though you are there right now.
Slowly I walk up the hill. As I get closer, the vast colors of pink, purple, blue, orange, red become more clear, and the scent more pronounced. I am anxious and this field of flowers is my goal, my refuge, my peace, If I can hang on until I get there all will be ok. I feel surrounded by love and beauty there, in thinking about it, I break into a run. I must be there now.
As I arrive at my destination, the sight pulls me in, I am as awe struck as I was that first long ago day when I happened upon this most beautious wonderously peaceful scene.
The breeze gently blows the tops of the stems and flowers causing them to sway ever so gently on it's way to fill my mind with the fragrant scent of flowers. The scent of flowers so strong and so intermingled I am unable to tell what blooms I smell.
All the cares of the world drop away as my legs are brushed by the gently swaying flowers. Peace washes over me, and I can breath again.
I deeply inhale the wonderous scent, as my mind fills with the memory of the day I happened upon my field of flowers. It was a terrible awful time, and I was soo beside myself with fear anxiety, and hell that I was planning to die. I was soo tired so exhausted over no sleep in the days leading up to that moment, I didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't stop the endless stream of thoughts, I needed peace, peace I thought only death could bring. I stood taking in the sudden scene before me and my mind filled with the powerful fragrant flowers, filling my sight with beautiful colors and soft movement as far as my eyes could see. Strange I thought as my breath calmed, as my mind becan to slow down. The exhaustion hit me suddenly as I decided to sit down and rest a bit. The flowers were just drawing me in, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the glorious scent. The flowers then making a wonderful bed, as they still do today, soft and pillowy. I slept long on that day.
When I awoke immeadiatly I noticed how refreshed I felt, how calm. I decided that the field was too wonderous to not experience again, so I had to live, that one experience left such an impression I couldn't die, I had to experience that field again.
Since that day that field, is my refuge. It is where I go to calm down, to sleep, to stop the endless stream of thoughts, to remind and renew that decision to live.
It is as it was on that long ago day. My breathing heavy as a result of my running. It changes not a bit, the flowers bloom constantly, the color ever bright. The breeze changes direction but blows evermore. The colors are as intense as they ever were. The glorious smell is soo powerful,so wonderous and yet I only pick up hints of distinct blooms. Jasmine, Lavender, Rose, and so many other scents and blooms I am unfamiliar with.
The flowers so high that to walk amongst them they almost reach waist length. They are perfect refuge to hide from the world. To lay down and rest, as the world and all in it fall away. It is a healing place for me to be. A place to make sense of the world, often the only place that makes sense to me.
They are part of my world. My gift from the world my wonderous place of peace. I owe them my very life, that field has saved my life time and time again.
JakNoOnE
I'm JakNoOnE
Jak Noone-That's Me
I'm JakNoOnE. Sierra shared a picture that is similar to what she looks like. I don't feel comfortable doing the same. I don't look anything like the body inside. I hate having to wear this body suit to be out in this world (that is how we view the physical body). My hair is black, my eyes are dark, I am tall and thin.
I am 16. I'm a female although my nickname is Jak. The nickname is from a muppet movie. My true name is NoOnE. I'm not sure how I got that name, perhaps because I was the quiet one, the one who was always grounded in her room, and took the punishment for much. The mother saw me as NoOnE.
I won't speak much of the mother, it is a subject too painful for me. Here is what I am willing to say: She is the reason I was 'born', the reason I exist. I am the Berrie who was yelled at, ignored for weeks at a time, yada yada yada.
I was a front person in the body for a time while the body was growing up. I went inside for a time when the body reached 15. I was 15 for a long time, but unexplicable a year back or so (realize all references to time frames are guesstimates) I aged to 16. I am the current front person although I have been on hiatus since around thanksgiving of last year.
I am quiet and reserved. Speaking to people in person is all but impossible for me, the exception is the bodies husband, whom I worked long and hard to be able to speak to. I am a burner, with OCD and perfectionist issues. Other Berriez would say I have eating issues, I don't agree. I love to exercise and journal. I recently gave up ciggarretes, we all who smoke did. I don't think I am very capable, and have a poor self-image, actually I think I am worthless and good for nothing. I spend most of my time inside in a special flower field that I find calming and soothing. I have attempted suicide in the past(A story for another time) I have a habit of sharing things and then deleting them, which I hope to not do that here. I love grungy, gothicy types of music. Things like JackOffJill, MyRuin and NIN. I also love american football.
Perhaps I should mention this as well. Although I live in a heterosexual body, and yes the body has a husband. I am the lone (so far as we know) Berri who is a lesbian. (Another story for a different time) Throws many people for a loop. The husband knows however as do most of the Berrie members.
JakNoOnE
I'm JakNoOnE. Sierra shared a picture that is similar to what she looks like. I don't feel comfortable doing the same. I don't look anything like the body inside. I hate having to wear this body suit to be out in this world (that is how we view the physical body). My hair is black, my eyes are dark, I am tall and thin.
I am 16. I'm a female although my nickname is Jak. The nickname is from a muppet movie. My true name is NoOnE. I'm not sure how I got that name, perhaps because I was the quiet one, the one who was always grounded in her room, and took the punishment for much. The mother saw me as NoOnE.
I won't speak much of the mother, it is a subject too painful for me. Here is what I am willing to say: She is the reason I was 'born', the reason I exist. I am the Berrie who was yelled at, ignored for weeks at a time, yada yada yada.
I was a front person in the body for a time while the body was growing up. I went inside for a time when the body reached 15. I was 15 for a long time, but unexplicable a year back or so (realize all references to time frames are guesstimates) I aged to 16. I am the current front person although I have been on hiatus since around thanksgiving of last year.
I am quiet and reserved. Speaking to people in person is all but impossible for me, the exception is the bodies husband, whom I worked long and hard to be able to speak to. I am a burner, with OCD and perfectionist issues. Other Berriez would say I have eating issues, I don't agree. I love to exercise and journal. I recently gave up ciggarretes, we all who smoke did. I don't think I am very capable, and have a poor self-image, actually I think I am worthless and good for nothing. I spend most of my time inside in a special flower field that I find calming and soothing. I have attempted suicide in the past(A story for another time) I have a habit of sharing things and then deleting them, which I hope to not do that here. I love grungy, gothicy types of music. Things like JackOffJill, MyRuin and NIN. I also love american football.
Perhaps I should mention this as well. Although I live in a heterosexual body, and yes the body has a husband. I am the lone (so far as we know) Berri who is a lesbian. (Another story for a different time) Throws many people for a loop. The husband knows however as do most of the Berrie members.
JakNoOnE
That picture is a likeness of me. That is not exactly as the body looks, among a few other things, it is a drawing and the bodies hair is not that long. That is to a degree how I appear when inside our world. Hubby sees of course the body, much to many Berriez surprise.
Truly,
Sierra
Artwork © Jessica Galbreth. Check out her work at www.enchanted-art.com
Intro
I'm Sierra. I am 26. I am the soul who most resembles in looks the body. Most look different. I am slightly taller.
Did you even know that we have a world inside? A world to live in and occupy ourselves when we aren't in this outside world?
As you will notice we all prefer different colors to write in.
Most of us will use a different color to post, and sign our names at the bottom. There may be a few entries by anonymous members.
I came into existence many years ago. I don't recall my birth, or even how old I was when I came into being. I consider the bodies parents to be my own parents, most in here do not see the bodies parents as there own.
I aged with the body for a long time. I was what we call the front person. That means that it was my job to be in the body from day to day, when someone else wasn't in it. For a long time I hadn't a clue that I was in fact part of a multiple system. This made for an interesting life.
People were always saying I had done or said something that I was quite sure I hadn't. I was a loner, as peers thought I was odd. They whipspered when I walked by, often pointed and laughed. Mother was always saying I was scatterbrained and would forget my head if it wasn't attached.
**Note: When We use the term 'I' it is meant in reference to only whomever uses the term. When we talk about ourselves all together,we say we, or the Berriez.**
I am the one who was in the body and began to suspect something was very wrong. It was a long difficult journey, which concluded with me going inside to take a job, for many years. More about that as this blog progresses.
I have always on and off heard voices not my own. Sometimes too the hands will move or the mouth will speak without my moving them. I honestly thought everyone did.
I still remember my surprise at learning that it isn't normal to see yourself in memories from behind.
While I don't talk to Alex inside at all. I will contribute to this blog. The note said it is private for now, and can only be read by people we invite to read it. This means it feels safe.
Strangely enough I find myself lacking in words and unsure what to say.
I grow tired and foggy, which for us is a sign of a switch.
All who write here will have agreed to not edit anyone else's entries.
Truly,
Sierra
Did you even know that we have a world inside? A world to live in and occupy ourselves when we aren't in this outside world?
As you will notice we all prefer different colors to write in.
Most of us will use a different color to post, and sign our names at the bottom. There may be a few entries by anonymous members.
I came into existence many years ago. I don't recall my birth, or even how old I was when I came into being. I consider the bodies parents to be my own parents, most in here do not see the bodies parents as there own.
I aged with the body for a long time. I was what we call the front person. That means that it was my job to be in the body from day to day, when someone else wasn't in it. For a long time I hadn't a clue that I was in fact part of a multiple system. This made for an interesting life.
People were always saying I had done or said something that I was quite sure I hadn't. I was a loner, as peers thought I was odd. They whipspered when I walked by, often pointed and laughed. Mother was always saying I was scatterbrained and would forget my head if it wasn't attached.
**Note: When We use the term 'I' it is meant in reference to only whomever uses the term. When we talk about ourselves all together,we say we, or the Berriez.**
I am the one who was in the body and began to suspect something was very wrong. It was a long difficult journey, which concluded with me going inside to take a job, for many years. More about that as this blog progresses.
I have always on and off heard voices not my own. Sometimes too the hands will move or the mouth will speak without my moving them. I honestly thought everyone did.
I still remember my surprise at learning that it isn't normal to see yourself in memories from behind.
While I don't talk to Alex inside at all. I will contribute to this blog. The note said it is private for now, and can only be read by people we invite to read it. This means it feels safe.
Strangely enough I find myself lacking in words and unsure what to say.
I grow tired and foggy, which for us is a sign of a switch.
All who write here will have agreed to not edit anyone else's entries.
Truly,
Sierra
It's Light
I Get To Be Here Early. It Is In Fact Still Light Out. This Is A Rare Occurence. I Have Had A Chance Already To Take A Walk And Ate.
I Was Surprised To See So Many Other Entries Already From Other Berri Members.
Although I Haven't Yet I Do Look Forward To Reading What They Wrote.
I'm Planning To Write A Piece About What I Recall About My Birth. I Don't Think Many Berriez Recall There Birth. I Do I Was Told Because It Was Not During A Traumatic Abusive Event.
I Figured Out How To Play Music On The Computer. It Is Very Interesting. Some Of It I Like. Some Of Hurts My Ears. Some Is Just Silly (The Childrens Music)
I Will Have A Chance To Watch A Movie Tonight. I'm Thinking Saw.
I'm Also Reading Along Came A Spider.
Edited To Add: Saw Was Really Stupid.
I Was Surprised To See So Many Other Entries Already From Other Berri Members.
Although I Haven't Yet I Do Look Forward To Reading What They Wrote.
I'm Planning To Write A Piece About What I Recall About My Birth. I Don't Think Many Berriez Recall There Birth. I Do I Was Told Because It Was Not During A Traumatic Abusive Event.
I Figured Out How To Play Music On The Computer. It Is Very Interesting. Some Of It I Like. Some Of Hurts My Ears. Some Is Just Silly (The Childrens Music)
I Will Have A Chance To Watch A Movie Tonight. I'm Thinking Saw.
I'm Also Reading Along Came A Spider.
Edited To Add: Saw Was Really Stupid.
Mychelle
I'm Mychelle and I'll read the entries and delete anything unsafe to be here ( I don't care what Sierra said) ---I don't care if other people understand us and how we live as a result I won't write here much if at all---
~Mychelle
~Mychelle
Friday, September 2, 2005
I'm guessing
Just As I Can't Imagine Life As A Singleton, I'm Guessing You Can't Imagine Life As A Multiple.
It Is My Goal That By Sharing Anyone Reading Will See That We Are People And Are Not Insane.
I Have Decided To Do This And Although Some In The System Won't Contribute, I'm Sure Some Will. I Will Leave A Note For The Others Here Who May Be Interested In Writing.
I'm Alex. I Live In A 28 Year Old Body, Although I Am Actually 31. I Am One In A Multiple System. I Am Newer To Life And The World, Mostly An Unfeeling Person, And I Love To Write And To Read.
Each Day I Am Here I Gain More Knowledge. I Understand I Must Live With The Others In The BerriezAnd Share The Body And Time. I Don't Have To Like It, I Just Have To Live With It. I Don't Understand Years, Months, Days, Or Any Of That. I Am Working On Reading A Clock And Telling Time.
I Will Think About How To Talk About My/Our Experiences Of Time In A Way That Will Help Anyone Reading To Understand.
When I Came 'Into Being' Born If You Will, I Possesed Already A Great Deal Of Knowledge. There Is So Much I Don't Know, Mostly About The World, And Small Things. Examples Would BeTelling Time, Working A Microwave. I Still Don't Know The Bodies Given Name, Nor Where It Was Born, I Know The Age It Is, But Not The Year It Was Born. I Can Count Dollars But Not Change.
When I'm Not Here, I Am Inside In Our World And Have No Idea What Is Going On Out Here.
We Are A Larger System. I Have To Talk To Some Higher Ups In Charge Of Safety Before I Say More About The System, To Avoid Angering Anyone In Here And Thus Creating A Safety Alert, And Getting The System Locked Down.
Although Some Of Us Have Similarities We Are Also Different, To Varying Degrees. With Varying Viewpoints, Likes/Dislikes, Memories, And Emotions.
That Is All.
Alex
It Is My Goal That By Sharing Anyone Reading Will See That We Are People And Are Not Insane.
I Have Decided To Do This And Although Some In The System Won't Contribute, I'm Sure Some Will. I Will Leave A Note For The Others Here Who May Be Interested In Writing.
I'm Alex. I Live In A 28 Year Old Body, Although I Am Actually 31. I Am One In A Multiple System. I Am Newer To Life And The World, Mostly An Unfeeling Person, And I Love To Write And To Read.
Each Day I Am Here I Gain More Knowledge. I Understand I Must Live With The Others In The BerriezAnd Share The Body And Time. I Don't Have To Like It, I Just Have To Live With It. I Don't Understand Years, Months, Days, Or Any Of That. I Am Working On Reading A Clock And Telling Time.
I Will Think About How To Talk About My/Our Experiences Of Time In A Way That Will Help Anyone Reading To Understand.
When I Came 'Into Being' Born If You Will, I Possesed Already A Great Deal Of Knowledge. There Is So Much I Don't Know, Mostly About The World, And Small Things. Examples Would BeTelling Time, Working A Microwave. I Still Don't Know The Bodies Given Name, Nor Where It Was Born, I Know The Age It Is, But Not The Year It Was Born. I Can Count Dollars But Not Change.
When I'm Not Here, I Am Inside In Our World And Have No Idea What Is Going On Out Here.
We Are A Larger System. I Have To Talk To Some Higher Ups In Charge Of Safety Before I Say More About The System, To Avoid Angering Anyone In Here And Thus Creating A Safety Alert, And Getting The System Locked Down.
Although Some Of Us Have Similarities We Are Also Different, To Varying Degrees. With Varying Viewpoints, Likes/Dislikes, Memories, And Emotions.
That Is All.
Alex
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