Exercise plan and bushes

We went to the gym today to a group thing where a trainer helped us make a program for us that addresses our goals. We are proud of ourselves as it is hard to do stuff like that by ourselves. Everyone else in the group went with someone but we did it alone (alone as we can be anyways) and that felt good.  So we have a program to help us loose weight and get some stomach muscles back.  We plan to go 3 days a week and work up to 5-6.  

On another note tomorrow- Nathan has off of work- we are ripping the bushes out in front of the house.  It will be a long tiring day but worth it as they need to go. Kim is keeping Troy for us so we don't have to do that and care for him. 

Sierra

Moved-Coney Drama

Moving day- wow it was a busy day yesterday. It was hard as well, it may seem silly but this is the first place we have lived in Ohio without Mallow. That was the last place we had memories of him from so it was hard to leave. But at the same time it is good to move on as well. It was a very LONG day yesterday. Kim, her 5 kids, hubby, Nathan, us, and someone N knows from work, all helped and that made a HUGE difference.

Today we spent moving stuff all around- ya know organizing/unpacking. Not our favorite thing to do- well Meagan likes to do it I think. She does it that way she knows where everything is, otherwise we spend half our lives looking for things.

We slept great last night once we fell asleep the feet hurt terribly, but we can't just not walk, ya know?? We slept through the night without waking, and so did Troy!!

He seems to love it here which is great. Today we bought some baby food. Sweet Potatoes! We plan to try them tomorrow! His first food other than formula. He's growing so fast.


We had a drama with Coney yesterday/today. Sometime in the chaos of yesterday afternoon she got out. N found her a few houses down......... The lady had taken her to the vet where they checked her for a chip- which she has, that brought up her old owners (we were told she was a stray) The lady called him and he wanted his dog back. So............. Legally she is ours. But morally it isn't as clear. Turns out it was his kids dog, they wanted to come see her, to see if she was the one they lost, and to see if the kids wanted her back. N called the animal shelter we adopted her from, they said that this happens all the time...... that legally she was ours and there wasn't anything they would do to help us, not only that but if we gave her back- without going through all the shelters paperwork, then went in to get another dog- they would charge us 500$ So after talking to the guy- he said we can just keep her, the kids are okay with that. We are relieved. Yes she needs training (and finally we have time ) but she's part of the family. I mean it would have sucked to loose her but hell. We would hope someone would do the same for us if the situation was reversed ya know?

We couldn't go to therapy this week cuz of moving and we missed it. In fact we feel a bit stressed that we missed it, how silly is that? We so never thought we would not only get a therapist but find it helpful.

We are having some weird fears coming up now that we have a garage and a basement, but we have been able to contain them (practicing some therapy stuff we learned). Not memories at this point, just weird feelings and fears.

Sierra

Word Collage

Marker on paper. Done by Sierra June 09

Computer Woes

We've all been there haven't we? Whether it is a problem you know is coming or one that suddenly happens, computer problems are a pain.

I've known this was coming. Last night after the computer crashed one time too many, I decided i'd reinstall windows today. It's xp and it is a known thing with XP that reinstalls every so often really help it run best. I spent hours backing up everything to disks, then came the big moment,

and......................

Nothing. Yep that is right windows disk won't run. It starts to run but then stops, freezes. After trying numerous fixes for it--- nothing. So.................

I downloaded Ubuntu (Linux, It's free ya know)..............

and................... (you know where this is going right?)



nothing. Well not quite. With Ubuntu you can run it from the install disk so that is what I am doing, but it won't install on the computer......

Memtest86 showed many errs so I have bad RAM. I also think the hard drive is going.

So---- I ordered a new hard drive and new RAM. From newegg.com (they are AWESOME) Should be here early next week.

Until then I have to use the Live CD version of Ubuntu, I shouldn't complain as it is better than nothing, but there is barely any memory so I can't run my journaling software or anything. Least I can get online and also Ubuntu came with some games on it, so good thing there.

I'm glad that I can get online as otherwise I would have had to go to Microcenter. (DON'T GO THERE IF YOU CAN HELP IT). I hate that store. 3 years ago when I built this computer from parts, we went there often for one thing or another. Without fail they only would talk to nathan (hubby), no matter if I asked the questions, or if Nathan said "talk to my wife I don't know about this stuff", they would only look at and talk to him.

Unfortunatly microcenter is the only computer store in the area so if I couldn't get online I would have had no choice.

Anger

So for about a week now, every day hubby says we are grumpy, and asks us why. Every day we tell him that we aren't grumpy.

Today though I can feel it, I feel grumpy, more than that though I feel angry, I feel that anger boiling below the surface, and honestly?
It terrifies me. I run from anger, it scares me a lot.

I don't know how to deal with this.

Sierra

Emerson-Spirits-Strange

Backstory- When we were very young we had a cat- emerson. He was very important to us. We also see spirits, and Emerson is still with us, not all the time but he comes to visit us, to scare Mallow and Auggie. It's quite a comfort to know he is still looking out for us.


About a week ago- there was this strange cat outside in our yard- it is one we had never seen before- looked remarkably like Emerson (emmi) according to the littles- this cat was acting very strange, it came right up to us when we were outside, rubbing on our legs, acting like it new us. It tried to follow us inside, even though our cat and dog both were going crazy scratching at the patio door. We thought maybe it was hungry so we tried to feed it, but it wasn't interested. That entire night the cat sat right up against the patio glass and the littles just sat there staring at it.

Few days later the littles told me (sierra) that the cat was emerson. That emerson had borrowed that cats body. They said that Emerson put his thoughts into their head (probably important to say that some littles can talk to animals). Further they went on that Emerson told them it would be okay, that it was time to share some memories and get them out. That it was time to move on and look to the future, for there were important things there waiting for them.

This really is so very strange to write about. Our experiences with spirits and talking to animals we tend to keep quiet as people just think we are extra bananas. But this really happened, N confirmed that the cat really was there, and that it acted quite strange.

Since then I dunno, the littles are different, trying to talk, to share, and quite frankly i'm bothered by it. Scared that sharing will mean we fall apart, scared that sharing will upset them.

Sierra

yearning

This was done by Sierra. The background is in acrylic with collage elements on top.

In the top left corner in the square is the word fun, on the right is the phrase-'star light star bright, first star I see tonight'

Sierra's path to discovery

Sierra's path to discovery of being multiple-#1

 Our hope is that by getting to know bits about us you will understand multiples a bit better. We hope that if you ever meet a multiple in real life you will not automatically turn away, but you will give them a chance and hold out your hand for friendship. Being a multiple can be an isolating thing, to have friends is not easy, especially after a lifetime of loosing them due to being strange.
Who knows perhaps you already know a multiple and just don't realize it.
I found that writing this down, putting it out there for people to see (albeit a small group of people) is not easy.
This will be just bits and pieces of stuff that is recalled. With Ray's Secret identity Posts in his blog for instance there is a clear timeline. For me ,for us there is no real clear sense of time. That said some things I can put order based on common sense.
I will only tell the story bits of my own. The rest of the story is not mine to tell. Other bits of the story are the stories of other souls to tell and you will here from some of them in later entries. Some will write themselves and some will tell me or another Patch member what to write.
There are things we will not talk about. Things that are quite private and not meant for here. You will not ever hear about how we became multiple. That isn't a story anyone wants to hear and is not one we are capable of telling. You will not ever hear any identifying information for location or the name of the body. You will only hear from a selected few Patch members, only some of whom will speak themselves and give their names.
My story, my memories begin at best guess somewhere between grade 7 and 8
 I am sitting on a bed in a bedroom thinking ' this is a nice room.' As I sat there looking around stuff began to float through my head. Strange things like 'my' name, 'my' parents names, where I lived, I saw pictures of things, a person talking to a lady, an image of this same person walking to school. A voice called "Time for dinner"
I recall being in a winnabego. You know a camper. I recognized the brother. As I was looking around more stuff began to float through my head, the name of the friend who was sat there, where we were going (Disney World) Again 'my' name floated through my head.
 Suddenly I realized I was at Disney World. As I wondered how I suddenly was standing in line for space mountain more things floated through 'my' mind. Images of 'me' arriving at the campsite, images of what had been done since I last could recall. I didn't give any thought to it. After all this happened to everyone, I was sure of it.
Somewhere between 7th and 8th grade the friend,Renee was angry and saying that I didn't show up wherever it was we were to meet. Only thing was I had no idea what she was talking about. I waited for the knowledge of what happened to float into my head, only it never came. I never did find out where I was to meet that friend. She told me that it wasn't the first time it happened. After saying it was the final straw, that she knew I was strange but that this was too weird for her, she told me never to talk to her again. I was quite ashamed and never did.
I berated myself as was usual, and wrote it off quickly to a bad memory and to not trying hard enough to remember, a message that many authority figures in life said to me a lot.
Sometime later .........
 I clearly recall Penny (a junior high/high school friend) saying "hey where are you going". I realized at that moment that I was running away from her. I waited for an image for some words to float to me about what was going on only nothing ever did. I don't recall now what I told her. I know I just made something up. If she didn't buy my story she never asked about it.
 I was shocked when I found out that it wasn't normal to experience memories how I did.
 It set off a series of events........
We were sat on a swing set talking, Penny and I.......... I don't recall what was being discussed, perhaps something about dreams, or memories. I told her something I remembered and not realizing it wasn't normal I mentioned how I saw the entire body as if I was looking at it from behind and slightly above. I recall her turning to me and saying something to the effect of ' what are you talking about that isn't how memories are, that isn't normal.' After she assured me none of her memories were like that, I managed to stammer out that it was just a fluke, and that it wasn't how memories usually were to me. Judging her reaction I knew I couldn't tell her that was how 99% of my memories were. I didn't want to be different and I didn't want her to think I was strange. She was the only friend I had and I didn't want loose her friendship.........
 I suddenly felt this strange sensation. Something running down the arm, at first I thought it was water. I looked down and saw blood running down the arm. At that moment I heard footsteps on the stairs and mom calling, 'what are you doing with the door closed?' As her footsteps grew closer, I realized I only moments to decide what to do.
 To be continued.............

If you could spend one year in perfect happiness

 If you could spend one year in perfect happiness, but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? Why or why not?
 This prompt was recently shared by a member of a journalwriting group I belong to. I replied to it as did another member of the system, both of us agreeing (which can be rare in the system) that we would take the offer. I was curious as to how other people would respond as the prompt deals with memory. I was surprised by the answers.
Before I knew of being multiple, if you would have asked me x years ago, I would have instantly said no. Years back I would not have taken a year of happiness if I couldn't have remembered it later.
My how time and knowledge and life changes a person.
I can say without a doubt that now I would in a heartbeat take the offer. I wouldn't hesitate. One thing I have learned since finding out I live in a multiple system is that living in the moment is really all I can do.
Pondering the past too much, though necessary sometimes, would leave me unable to get up ever again. I would be unable to function. Knowing the past, our past, would be a terrible thing. It would simply be too much.
Living in the future, thinking about next year, or even tomorrow for that matter is useless for several reasons. I never know when my tomorrow will be. Sharing a body and loosing time is a fact of my life. Waking up and having it 3 days past what I thought was tomorrow is a frequent occurrence. It's more than that though. Thinking about the future is not concentrating on today. One of the biggest things I've learned on this journey so far is that life is what happens whilst your making other plans. While I waste time about pondering the future and figuring out what it will bring, I am wasting precious time. Time that I don't have. Sharing a body means there is never enough time to do as you please. Time is precious here, and we all have learned to treasure the time we have, each and every moment of it. Why waste that on what I can't know.
The future brings surprises no matter how much you think you have it figured out, you don't.

Believe me I would have sent anyone who had told me I was a multiple to their local psych. ward. When I imagined my future, this was not it. Actually I wasn't sure I had a future, and then I planned this nice little life with children. But then life happened, reality happened. I didn't picture being multiple. It happened though. Life is what happened while I made different plans.
That brings me to my point. Why not spend a year in perfect happiness? I do have to ask what that means. Do I get to decide what perfect happiness is? Or is it something that is decided for me? What do I have to loose? Living in the present I would have aproximately 365 days (give or take depending on leap year) to live in happiness to treasure each and every moment. Why worry about what will happen a year from now.
 Many in the journal group stated that they would not do it because of the fact they would loose the memory of their year of happiness.
I admit this bewilders me. It makes me wonder and notice how much emphasis is put on memory, and yes how much I don't fit in. It amazes me that people would turn down a year of happiness because they would loose it. What about those 365 days, that is a lot of time (to me) to remember.
I have learned to live without memory. It is the only experience I know. Do I wish it was different, I honestly don't know. I don't know what having memory is like. Therefore I can't really answer that question. The fact is that I don't have memory.
I learned early on to make excuses for why I couldn't remember and to fake remembering to avoid questions I couldn't answer. After the year of happiness and the memory of it was removed, if I didn't have to answer any questions from anyone, I would be very happy. One of the things I hate most is having to fake answers, to pretend to be one, to pretend to know and to remember.
I don't remember from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour and even minute to minute. The idea of remembering for that year perfect happiness, is something that I would jump all over. For me it would be a gift. A gift not only in that sense of having a year of continuous memory (assuming I would), also the ability to be happy.
 Quite honestly I would give away my year of happiness to others in the system who don't even understand the word happiness. The idea that someone else more deserving in the system for an entire year could experience happiness, brings tears to my eyes as I write this. That is a happiness that well surpasses a year of perfect happiness. Especially if I could recall giving away my year of happiness, even if I didn't recall giving away my year of happiness, knowing for that year that I had done that for a member of the system,would be a year of perfect happiness for me.
I am forced to live in the present. I know that, I accept that. I can honestly say I think often about the past, I get stuck in trying to piece it together. I am most at peace though when I live in the present, not in the future not in the past.
It occurs to me that many people seem to be concerned with the future. I can't help but think that by living that way, they miss out on now. Now, is a gift. Each moment is a gift, a gift that should be treasured.
Truly,
 Sierra

Where to begin? Just where is the beginning?

I find myself struggling with where to begin in telling about my discovery at being part of a multiple experience.
 Should I begin with experiences that looking back were signs? 
Should I begin with the first things that made me feel something was wrong with me?
 Should I begin with my feelings about being multiple?
 The experience of time slipping and dissapearing? The expereinces of hearing internal voices not mine?
 The experience of the body moving without me moving it?
 The experience of having to wait to get information about the childhood.
 I don't know when I came to be.   I know approximately when my own memories began.  The memories of before I came to be, I have to wait to be given to me. 
Should I begin with realizing more and more the life I thought I lived,  the childhood I thought I had, didn't exist? It was all a lie.
 So much and I just don't know where to start.
 I'm fearful too, fearful at writing and reading and strange things being written.  I don't control the hands typing.  I think , they type what I think, only sometimes they just write other things. I'm fearful of what I may learn in attempting to write about how I came to know I was a multiple, and how hubby came to know. 
If only I could decide where to start. Or do I just start and see what comes out? Start in a computer journal entry and then cut and paste it when it feel right?  
How do I tell a story that has no real linear begin or end?  When time is just a collection of moments, strung together, how do I put that in an order anyone can understand or make sense of.
 Truly,
 Sierra

When I check inside I find

When I Check Inside I Find........
a whole slew of people of various ages and developmental levels. I find a world separate from the outside world. A world with so many things and areas, both explored and unexplored. I find Souls who are possessing emotions and memories of a wide variety of shape, size, and level.
I find sadness, and hurt. I find anger, and rage. I find panic and terror. I find acceptness and disbelieve. I find remembering and forgetting. I find memories and images of years long past. I find littles cowering from memories and people not alive. I find disbelieve that it is possible to be safe.
I see survivors. I See unwillingness to give up. I see strength and courage, similar to the strength and courage displayed by the survivors of hurricane Katrina.
I see joy and laugther at the small things. The smile at a new stuffie from the thrift store. The joy at a 50 cent puzzle or 25 cent book.  The amazement that Nathan really listens to them, hears them and responds. The amazement that the rules are few and consistent. I notice amazement at learning it is ok to spill, ok to do so many things that weren't permitted.  So many littles, so many young ones, so much courage it humbles me.
I find animals of all sorts when I look inside. As protectors animals don't betray as humans do. Animals don't fail. I see animals with such amazing kindness and protection and love in their eyes for the child or children they protect.
I see nature beautiful and untouched by the human hand. Nature that will live forever. Nature that is untouched.
I see daylight inside, In a world that has no night. For night and dawn was the danger time. The time bad men came.
 I see confusion when I look inside. Confusion at why they share a body. Confusion and terror at learning that the outside body doesn't look like they do. I see confusion and terror over learning that it isn't something all adults do, confusion and disbelief that it wasn't ok, nor all they were good for.   I see confusion when Nathan asks before he hugs, confusion that crying doesn't mean punishment.

Most of all when I look inside I see survivors. For that is what we all are. Survivors. We survived what many do not. We survived to escape that hell. We survived to see another day and we still do.
 We survived like many people in the New Orleans area did. And we mourn those who didn't survive, both those in the New Orleans area and victims of all crimes who don't survive.
Truly,
 Sierra

Males/Females/Animals

When many people think of multiple I think they mostly think of Sybil, Eve, or The When Rabbit Howls book.   I think it important to realize that every multiple is different. Just as every human is different.  The following is our experiences.  And a bit about Sybils experiences.  
It is important to remember that when it comes to Souls that are created, what is created is soley what is unconsciously (for the most part)  percieved as necessary to survive.   What I mean is that for the most part creating Souls is not something that is thought of and decided in advance. 
Sybil had 2 males, Sid, and Mike.    They thought that when they aged they would be male, a line from the book I recall  when Dr. Wilbur asked how their male parts would get there, said 'we'll push them out'.  
We have  males as well.  Our body is female.  J  is an adult and is um an angry (to say the least). He represents the abusers. He often says things like they did, and generally speaking scared/terrifies most of the system.   Even his voice is quite similar to this abuser..  He is an internal representation of at least one abuser.   There is one male child I am not allowed to speak of here.   There are also 3 other males that come to mind after pondering it a bit.  One is a teen, and is an internal only. What that means is that he never comes out into the world. He is our builder, he builds things inside in our landscape/world.   The other 2, the  Max's are both  kids.  A few years seem to separate them.  One holds memory and teeth pain of an event of falling off the monkey bars and breaking the teeth, which as punishment he was  made to wait some number of days before seeing a dentist. OlderMax still feels that pain, and anger over that.  (all that information was relaying by our husband).   YoungerMax I don't know anything about, if the husband does he either hasn't said or I have forgotten.
They seem to think that they will be men some day. To date Nathan has put off that conversation.   They both think of the others in the system as their sisters and the older Max protects them, and exhibits strong desires to protect his sisters from 'anyone who will upset them or make them cry'.  
They do boy type things, they climb trees inside. They have trucks and stuff out here. The hubby plays catch with them, and does other boy things.  
That brings me to animals.  
  We have animals too.    I won't go into the types of animals at this time because the animals are protectors and don't wish that information to be talked about.  There are a wide variety however.    They exist to protect. They act like an animal of their type would.    They mostly stick to protecting one child, or 2 children each.   They send thoughts to the head of those they speak too, but speak mostly to the child or children they protect.
 It is worth mentioning, that according to the DID literature (which has good things and bad things to say)  some animals when you look underneath them are actually children.   This has not come up for us, and I believe our animals to date are animals.
The large majority of us are female. Most of us are heterosexual or interested in neither gender.  There is one we know of who is either bisexual or lesbian.  
Truly,
 Sierra

That picture is a likeness of me.  That is not exactly as the body looks, among a few other things, it is a drawing and the bodies hair is not that long. That is to a degree how I appear when inside our world.   Hubby sees of course the body, much to many Berriez surprise.

Truly,

Sierra

Artwork © Jessica Galbreth.  Check out her work at www.enchanted-art.com

Intro

 I'm Sierra.    I am 26.     I am the soul who most resembles in looks the body.   Most look different. I am slightly taller. 
Did you even know that we have a world inside?   A world to live in and occupy ourselves when we aren't in this outside world? 
As you will notice we all prefer different colors to write in. 
Most of us will use a different  color  to post, and sign our names at the bottom. There may be a few entries by anonymous members.
 I came into existence many years ago.  I don't recall my birth,  or even how old I was when I came into being.  I consider the bodies parents to be my own parents, most in here do not see the bodies parents as there own.  
I aged with the body for a long time. I was what we call the front person. That means that it was my job to be in the body from day to day, when someone else wasn't in it.     For a long time I hadn't a clue that I was in fact part of a multiple system. This made for an interesting life.
People were always saying I had done or said something that I was quite sure I hadn't.   I was a loner, as peers thought I was odd.   They whipspered when I walked by, often pointed and laughed.    Mother was always saying I was scatterbrained and would forget my head if it wasn't attached.   
**Note: When We use the term 'I' it is meant in reference to only whomever uses the term. When we talk about ourselves all together,we say we, or the Berriez.**
 I am the one who was in the body  and began to suspect something was very wrong.  It was a long difficult journey, which concluded with me going inside to take a job, for many years.   More about that as this blog progresses.
I have always on and off heard voices not my own.   Sometimes too the hands will move or the mouth will speak without my moving them.   I honestly thought everyone did.
I still remember my surprise at learning that it isn't normal to see yourself in memories from behind. 
While I don't talk to Alex inside at all. I will contribute to this blog.    The note said it is private for now, and can only be read by people we invite to read it. This means it feels safe. 
Strangely enough I find myself lacking in words and unsure what to say.  
I grow tired and foggy, which for us is a sign of a switch. 
All who write here will have agreed to not edit anyone else's entries.
 
 Truly,
Sierra