mi fet

n da bigs sumtymz don lisen an sit wen da fets hert den i git tigrd an uset
an dat b no niyc

n da big noz gi mayd me stan on mi tipi toz
sa ifn i wana run wa i pa fo dat
but i no tri run wa
i no no wot he tawk bowt
n i hafta stan on tipi toz fo ebr
n i do dat lon lon lon tiym
den tawk ta carlin an se hep me lern ta b on mi flats
n dat be niyc
n jis wan fets no hert
n jist b tigrd an uset

tipi

Have you been tricked

In today’s day and age, it is customary to pull pranks on people for April Fool’s Day. When was the last time someone tricked you? Did they just try to fool you or purposefully deceive you? Was it “for fun” or to be sneaky and manipulative? How did it make you feel? Describe the situation.



This confuses us. Triggers Anne.  We haven't been tricked in years. We aren't around people other than Nathan really, and he knows that it is a trigger for us.  We tell anyone who we think possibly could trick us to please don't, that we are very sensitive to it, and to do so would really upset us. So far that has worked, has only been Kim. 

The mother always "tricked" Anne, only it was mean things, Like saying Gosgi died. That isn't fun, it is mean.  Is it sneaky and manipulative? I don't know.  I just know we hate to be tricked. It makes us feel very stupid. To be laughed us is a huge trigger.  It really upsets us. 

raw

Feeling raw.  Feeling spacey.  And yet. We are determined to stick with the feelings on this- determined to not space it out dissociate it away.  To remember this info.

Carolyn told us that massage would likely set loose some memories. She was right.

We remember when we first started with the memories. We have come so far. So very far, and that deserves our recognition.  There was a time when a memory return would set us unable to function for quite awhile, we'd drink, take drugs, cut....

Now though we try to just sit with it, to allow it, to talk about it. Even to put it away when we have to so we can function. 

And so we sit and we feel raw, and we don't cut or burn, or drink.  We take our prescribed amount of sleeping med, and try to settle down and sleep.

There is more info in this.  I can see us hiding, crouched,  being as small as possible. And wonder if that figures into the phantom pains we get and even the nerve pain we currently have.   We are so thankful for the chiro, and the massage therapist, and the TENS unit. We had a pain free day for the first time in well in we can't remember how long.  Turns out we have always been in pain. (ahh the wonders of dissociation.)

Meagan

sick

can't think where to post- so putting it here, move it if it needs to be.

sick. Feel sick. raw, fear.

images- hes after me, looking for me. hunting me.
I'm the food, he's the prey. The lesser, the submissive.

I'm the object of his hunt, his lust, his need.

I hide- try to not breath
to not make a sound
to dissappear into the wood

I know i can't out run him
can't escape
can't prevent it

so i hide and bide my time
wait for him to find me

he says it angers him to look for me, he sings nursery rhymes i can hear him. tat cup da gwen cup wif te in it he got it an he lukin an singin
an singin

an i hiyd
an i as god tayk me
sab me
hep me

an mi tume sik
an im sik
an firste
an gotsa pote
an stil i don mub

therapy tomorrow

As you know last week, Meagan shared part of a memory. It's been a rough week for us, in different ways as it has been for her.  We are having flashbacks, images of her memory. Images moreso than actual flashbacks.   It's really hard for us. This is still fairly new, for memories others have to be shared among the system. It is like everything else, just how it seems to be happening, not something that we made a decision to do. In fact it is something we swore we would NEVER do. Life is what happens while making other plans. It's so difficult to explain how it is hard to get memories of something that happened to another.  Hard to even find something to say to attempt it to make sense. Maybe it is something you had to be there for. It's like finding out you are adopted after a lifetime of not knowing..   It's earth shattering.  I'm not sure we will share the memory here or not.   I guess we still feel that is Meagans decision not ours, it's part of her story. 

I'm not totally sure how Meagan feels. She never says how she really feels, always acts fine.   I know she has been cleaning a lot which she does when stressed or upset. I know too there is that fear because she told.  

There is more though...   There is Sharyn. She's a protector.  Angry, grumpy, abrupt.   She keeps the physical pain from the body. We or she wrote more about that once on a blog but it may have been another. Eventually we will get all those posts here. At any rate............  she holds all the physical pain from all the abuse. I can't even fathom what that is. What that actually means.   She is I don't know. Around more.   In pain more. Nathan says that she is feeling more pain since the rest of us are thinking about and talking more to Carolyn.   Rumor is that she is going to talk to Carolyn tomorrow. Truth is?? We don't want her too. We don't want to feel the pain, what if she doesn't want to keep it anymore?  Even more scary what if she starts to struggle???  For some reason when protectors, those strongest in a vocal way in the system struggle we get really scared and yes suicidal.  

Know what i'd like a drink.  But i won't.  Why? Because I want one not to relax but to forget, to get drunk, and that is where trouble starts for some of us. Drinking that's another post for another day.