slightly overwhelmed

Feeling slightly overwhelmed. Nathan was always our rock. Our help and savior and just so awesome when we couldn't function. But it was like we got 'healthy' and began to move beyond and he got angry. we ended the T session today with that, so gonna think about it, see if there is a connection or just a coincidence.

Carolyn says N can't be the martyr, the hero if we aren't 'sick' that we threaten him by being 'well'. Honestly that just saddens us. Makes us cry and cry. What he doesn't get is that we got well for him, to be a wife and a mother, to not be the disaster we were, not for us, but for him. Oh in the end it was for us, but we began it for him and did it for him for a long time.

It is like a slap in the face. Suddenly he is a full time asshole and we are like wtf. What happened. He's always had a temper, been quick to anger, but now it is just ridicullous. It is all the time, and that is the issue. ALL... THE.... TIME

We wrote that we feel stuck and in a way we do but moreso we just aren't ready to think of anything else. Not ready to give up on the relationship. And yet also not wanting to do all the work. It is not my issue, i want him to work on it.

We stopped taking our meds. (except our ambien) I think we need to take it again. We are safe but having SU thoughts. Feeling very sad and lumpy in the throat, leaking.

We made up our minds and we are going to share our story. We need to see it, to share it, to speak it. Not sure if there is still a place here to do that, but if not will will put it on our blogs. (which you can find links to somewhere on this board or by pm us. )

Missing Mallow in this moment. He would always cuddle me when i was sad or upset.

I have many blogs. Want to just have one, would be so much easier, This one here and blogger and multiply. Oy. What a pain. This one seems the one that gets left aside, forgotten about. Not by design jsut happens. Still working on getting them all copied when I post to one.

soon

Leaving on saturday for hometown. Feeling increasingly nervous which we expected. Also feeling not alone.... We have talked a lot about it in therapy and Carolyn had said many times that she is just a phone call away, we can set up a phone appointment if needed.  Nathan is of course a phone or text away as well.

We also have some ways to deal with certain situations we fear will come up with mother.  We have written down with carolyn's help things to say in each situation.

We feel prepared, but still nervous and I think that is to be expected.

This will be the first time back in that town without nathan.   Actually the first time away from nathan since early in our dating, over 10 years ago.

I think it will be good for us. Lately we feel.......... I dunno more friends with Nathan than husband/wife.  Along with increasingly bothered by his anger at what seems to be everything.

So no internet there. Well at nana and paps house anyways. Of course McD's has wifi and other places. And we do plan to go there some to get online, as it is part of our self care....

Hoping to learn more about mother and nana/pap while we are there. We realize how little we know about her life.  We finally are at a place in healing where we can see her as a person and not a mother who failed us. 

It's weird that place has a pull. It's like a vortex that pulls us in and down. yuck.  There are so few good things about that city, but one of them a dear friend, the best friend we've ever had is in the area and we will be seeing her which will be great. We are looking forward to it. We just wish we were going in two weeks later so we could go to her wedding, but mother can't get off work then.

Meagan

Therapy and altoona

We are at the library. Today was therapy day so the afternoon is ours to ourselves.  We decided to bring the computer to catch up online.  It is nice, though a bit open feeling. Paranoid everyone is reading as I write, but in reality nobody is even looking at me or near me. 

Therapy was hard today. We talked about the trip we are taking to Altoona in 3 weeks.  We are taking Troy but Nathan is not coming. We will be with the mother(yikes) for two weeks.  Helping to pack up nana and paps things, closing the house down.

We really need to do this, and as Carolyn said we are at a spot when we can do this. Not sure we could have a few months ago. 

IT was one of the few safe spaces we had when growing up (the library being the other). So it really is important to us to do this. Carolyn thought it made sense that we have to go say bye to the house- bye to the city really as we aren't sure we will ever go back.  In essence really we have to go scoop up those good memories and bring them with us. 

Being with the mother will be hard maybe, who knows. Time will tell. Carolyn said we will set up a phone session in case we need to talk, to process or whatever. THat is great we think.

So ya altoona. Where we grew up. For a long time we couldn't say that. Couldn't say here the name of the city. It was fear really. fear of being found, fear of the unknown.  But no more. 

I said it was just a place, no need to fear it, but carolyn said it is more than a place. She said it is our pool of crap- our cesspool. And it is, it was a place of profound loneliness for us.  Of pain and sorrow and it isn't easy to go back. It has only a few good memories and only a few good people.  

We aren't sure what those two weeks will bring us, but we know we will be okay. Know we have the tools to cope.  And that matters, that is great.

 Nana and pap helped us so much. We really need to help them in this way. 

We don't know that we will have an internet connection. The house doesn't even have cable anymore. But there is a mc Donalds near. We will go there daily to get online.  It will be part of our self care. Carolyn reminded us how important self care will be while we are there.

Meagan

Coughing

*I share this after some thought- THere is a reader who I know from childhood. No a good friend, So much she never knew, so much i never told her, never could,  and she knew mother.  And so there is worry, fear over sharing this.  

Honestly I'm not sure why I bothered with the 'fancy' coughing title. Not like this is a paper or anything. Just a free-write. I was on the massage table today. In the middle of the massage actually when I started coughing. I was embarrassed and mortified really. I did my best to hold it in, to not cough.  I promised that if the coughing quieted a bit, I would journal about coughing tonight. So here I am. 

In therapy last week at the very end of the session- Carolyn heard me coughing and remarked that that kind of cough is often called a 'smothered' cough. Or maybe it was smothering. Anyways she emphasized the 'mother' part of the word. That has been on my mind since then.   Yes the mother is smothering always has been. Not sure we realized it for a long time, in fact I'm sure we didn't. 

Aunt becky that one summer we spent those 2 weeks with her- tried to talk to us about the mother, how she shouldn't tell us about the divorce and all of that. We defended the mother.  Heatedly defended her.   Why did we do that??  Why defend her? Why didn't we realize it? 

For sure her smothering is part why we moved to ohio.  To get away. It is harder to be smothered so many miles away. Not impossible but harder. Easier I suppose for us to battle it, to not let it happen. But still it is hard for some. Is the mother getting more smothering? Or are some/we feeling more smothered by her now that we talk to her every week??? Something to ponder.

Coughing- what does that word mean to us? What comes to mind-- how about a list-

Calling attention to oneself
Center of attention
Look at me
Deal with me
See me
Hear me
Acknowledge me
Lungs
Breathing
Breath
Smothered
Can't breath
Get rid of
Expell
Phlem
Slimy
Gross
Triggering
Gag
Throw up
Sick in stomach
Raine
Bronchitis
Quarantine
Forever
Can't stop
Out of control
Beyond control
Embarrassing
Controlled
Faking
Liar
Attention seeker
Busy
Just stop

Strange- I'm getting some words- phrases coming to mind---- seems someone told us that coughing was a way for us to seek attention,that they were too busy to see the coughing, to deal with it.  That I/we should just stop it, could just stop it if we tried hard enough

I think this cough- aside from being part of the cold- is something seeking attention. Seeking our attention, our acknowledgement.  Is that it??? What was just written above?? How could someone fake a cough?? That is obvious. Sounds nothing like a real cough and WHY why would someone do that??? 

Something was just there in my head and left just as quickly

Hot- that is what just popped in my head

When I cough, I get hot. The more I cough the harder I get and the more in turn I cough.  I think there is something in that,just not sure what.

hard work

Another hard therapy session today.  Third week in a row we have talked about memories. We are proud of ourselves. We are also emotionally exhausted.
Sierra

A resolution finally

For months we have been wondering what would happen with insurance and therapy.

Today we finally got a resolution. Carolyn will keep seeing us for the same amount we paid before insurance changed.  That is such a relief. We were terrified that we wouldn't be able to keep seeing her.

That she would decide we weren't worth taking less money for.  It took 3 months for insurance crap to be worked out, that is ridiculous.

And she gets paid more with our out-of network rate, that what our in network rate was with the old insurance. 

She won't make us pay the deductible either. Says that the insurance doesn't have to cover that 800$ but that it is up to her and only her if she makes us pay that.

What a load of stress of our backs.

We worked very hard to just let the situation happen and not stress about it too much. We know stressing doesn't change anything. 

therapy tomorrow

As you know last week, Meagan shared part of a memory. It's been a rough week for us, in different ways as it has been for her.  We are having flashbacks, images of her memory. Images moreso than actual flashbacks.   It's really hard for us. This is still fairly new, for memories others have to be shared among the system. It is like everything else, just how it seems to be happening, not something that we made a decision to do. In fact it is something we swore we would NEVER do. Life is what happens while making other plans. It's so difficult to explain how it is hard to get memories of something that happened to another.  Hard to even find something to say to attempt it to make sense. Maybe it is something you had to be there for. It's like finding out you are adopted after a lifetime of not knowing..   It's earth shattering.  I'm not sure we will share the memory here or not.   I guess we still feel that is Meagans decision not ours, it's part of her story. 

I'm not totally sure how Meagan feels. She never says how she really feels, always acts fine.   I know she has been cleaning a lot which she does when stressed or upset. I know too there is that fear because she told.  

There is more though...   There is Sharyn. She's a protector.  Angry, grumpy, abrupt.   She keeps the physical pain from the body. We or she wrote more about that once on a blog but it may have been another. Eventually we will get all those posts here. At any rate............  she holds all the physical pain from all the abuse. I can't even fathom what that is. What that actually means.   She is I don't know. Around more.   In pain more. Nathan says that she is feeling more pain since the rest of us are thinking about and talking more to Carolyn.   Rumor is that she is going to talk to Carolyn tomorrow. Truth is?? We don't want her too. We don't want to feel the pain, what if she doesn't want to keep it anymore?  Even more scary what if she starts to struggle???  For some reason when protectors, those strongest in a vocal way in the system struggle we get really scared and yes suicidal.  

Know what i'd like a drink.  But i won't.  Why? Because I want one not to relax but to forget, to get drunk, and that is where trouble starts for some of us. Drinking that's another post for another day. 

I did it

Today in therapy I took a huge step. For the first time we shared a memory. Although we have shared small bits with Carolyn before today, this was the first time we shared a memory in more than just a this happened sort of way. 

It was really difficult to do but I'm proud of me.  Carolyn didnt say I am a liar or gross or anything like that. She was supportive. 

I feel very tired emotionally and physically though not sleep tired. More a worn out tired. I feel scared to sleep, scared I will have nightmares. Scared the grandfather will come back in them or just come back period (he's been dead nearly 20 years). 

Meagan

Raine

Therapy went well today. It was the first time that someone other than Sierra went. Not only that but I told her that it was me, Raine. It was scary to say that, but afterwards it went fine. The sky didn't fall, nothing terrible happened. She didn't say "no your Christi", or whatever else I was scared of.

We talked a lot about my remembered sick. About how that felt. Then we talked about, it not being time for me to merge(per Eaglewings) and how I felt about that. It was nice to talk about it with someone other than Nathan. With him I don't know- It's hard often. I wonder/worry a fair amount that I am saying too much to him, stressing him out, but this I didn't worry about at all. I felt FREE to talk. It was a nice feeling, albeit a bit strange.

Windy and Ice. My sisters. I think why Eaglewings told me I still have work to do, is because of them. Maybe they have to merge with me? Carolyn pointed out that without Raine there can be no Ice. That wind is breath, helps Rain move. It really struck something inside of me.

I think of Ice as cold. Carolyn too said that Ice is only around at certain times. That conditions have to be just right. That feels so very true. It feels like there is something deeper in that for me to get.

Finally downloaded Journal5. Turns out we didn't have to pay 50$ for it, we got a half price coupon because we had a previous version. It is nice so far, different yet the same.

Raine

Moved-Coney Drama

Moving day- wow it was a busy day yesterday. It was hard as well, it may seem silly but this is the first place we have lived in Ohio without Mallow. That was the last place we had memories of him from so it was hard to leave. But at the same time it is good to move on as well. It was a very LONG day yesterday. Kim, her 5 kids, hubby, Nathan, us, and someone N knows from work, all helped and that made a HUGE difference.

Today we spent moving stuff all around- ya know organizing/unpacking. Not our favorite thing to do- well Meagan likes to do it I think. She does it that way she knows where everything is, otherwise we spend half our lives looking for things.

We slept great last night once we fell asleep the feet hurt terribly, but we can't just not walk, ya know?? We slept through the night without waking, and so did Troy!!

He seems to love it here which is great. Today we bought some baby food. Sweet Potatoes! We plan to try them tomorrow! His first food other than formula. He's growing so fast.


We had a drama with Coney yesterday/today. Sometime in the chaos of yesterday afternoon she got out. N found her a few houses down......... The lady had taken her to the vet where they checked her for a chip- which she has, that brought up her old owners (we were told she was a stray) The lady called him and he wanted his dog back. So............. Legally she is ours. But morally it isn't as clear. Turns out it was his kids dog, they wanted to come see her, to see if she was the one they lost, and to see if the kids wanted her back. N called the animal shelter we adopted her from, they said that this happens all the time...... that legally she was ours and there wasn't anything they would do to help us, not only that but if we gave her back- without going through all the shelters paperwork, then went in to get another dog- they would charge us 500$ So after talking to the guy- he said we can just keep her, the kids are okay with that. We are relieved. Yes she needs training (and finally we have time ) but she's part of the family. I mean it would have sucked to loose her but hell. We would hope someone would do the same for us if the situation was reversed ya know?

We couldn't go to therapy this week cuz of moving and we missed it. In fact we feel a bit stressed that we missed it, how silly is that? We so never thought we would not only get a therapist but find it helpful.

We are having some weird fears coming up now that we have a garage and a basement, but we have been able to contain them (practicing some therapy stuff we learned). Not memories at this point, just weird feelings and fears.

Sierra

1st therapy visit

We are very encouraged by this therapist. We think she will be able to help us with the remainder of our journey. We have tried normal Therapists before, but have had very limited success. The process of just talking we find to only be mildly helpful.

This lady however incorporates all parts of the body, mind, spirit into therapy. The idea of this we find very refreshing and it seems to be a good fit.

Since religious things are part of our abuse, we really do need help with spiritual healing.

We are quite scared but feel we are ready now, where we weren't before. Combined with the right therapist for us and we are very encouraged.