moving

I am moving this blog to-

http://patchworkjourneyz.wordpress.com/

please feel free to visit me there.

Just stuff

We have had more panic times recently than we have I awhile. I sometimes we just can't bear to stay in the house or sometimes we can't stand to be touched even by troy, or we can't bear the idea of being crowded in. It's annoying, but thought we were beyond this but guess not. I would definitely wonder if we ever will. Sleep is a struggle even with the ambien and we drink some, just to quiet the thoughts and just not care

Angie

Down with multiply

A lot of stuff to catch up on. This day and time is not the way to start, but soon.  

My thought for today is annoyance that multiply is removing their blog.  That means I have to go thought and be sure all the blogs are copied here. 


But now I've had ambien and it's bed time 

Angie

The small things

What’s around you right now that you might just notice?

What small things are there – here – to sustain you, if you’ll take the time just to see them?
Even in times of sorrow.
Even in pain.

Standing up

I just stood up to myself to a strange on Facebook post that I had made a comment on. It's not easy for us to do that.

New memory

New memory
Never entire never full
Just pieces,bits, moments,flashes,knowledge,incite

I feel sick. Want to throw up
I'm discusted discusting,

It's a loop over and over and over

I just want it to stop
Need it to stop

Werd fing

Woz wif Nafin an
an playn
Mak him gigl
Iz so kut
N Nafin tikl him ribs
N tro layn sidwaz on Nafin
N I fled Werd
N mad me sik
N sik
N feln Werd
N user
Guna c lune tunz

Teresa

Down and panicky

Feeling down and panicky tonight. Been panicky all day. Went to the mall and had to leave a few stores and also took something to help calm down. Makes me sad that we didn't tell nathan. Sad that he didn't notice or ask, or care that we left stores.

Then later we cleaned the bathroom for first time in probably 10 years it's a huge trigger and he didn't say anything about it until a little said why didn't you say anything about the bathroom. It was a huge deal for us and he doesn't/didn't care enough to notice.

It just makes me want to walk out sometimes. Maybe if he was forced to see all I do he would appreciate it. I fe like the damn maid sometimes.

Sometimes I just want out.

I long sometimes for a drink. Something to numb my feelings zone out so I don't feel don't think. It would be easier that way. And yet it seems cowardly too.

I'd like to cut. To do something anything to get rid of this limb, these impending tears. Not because crying is weak but because to give in to it is weak. Because tears aren't worth it don't help. Because its just hard

Meagan

Thanksgiving

Usually holidays aren't our thing. In the past we often have been disasters. It all sorts of things really which I'd like to get into another time.

What I want to say now is that for the first time ever we are looking forward to thanksgiving. This is huge for us. And we recognize that. Yay us.

It was hard last year as we told people no to going to there houses for dinner. I think it is something only children of divorce can understand. We stay at home on thanksgiving. Have no desire to go to anyone else's house. Nobody has to understand though, just respect our wishes.

Im cooking which i just love to do K (sis-in-law) is wondering about the amount of food but honestly I don't care. It is a day to eat too much and leftovers are always good for days.

It is bittersweet that I can't see nana and pAp. Not sure how many more they have left at 89.

Anyways I have their special holiday dishes to use as well as I am making a cherry pie which nana always did for mystery and I. I'm making Cinnabon clones too.

I wish I had money for shopping black Friday....it was something only nana and I did. But I will start putting money back weekly to have something next year.

It was a LOT of hard work and it's never done never over but I finally have arrived in the present in my life and I'm content and working to make things even better

Want to but I won't. Will try not too. Stressed and angry and just feel done.

Just ugh. Struggling some and changes and decisions and just stuff

Wet hed

Mi he'd got wet

Fel tigrd
Got olle owl
Got pilo spra help me sta her in now
Put on bugs bune

Teresa

35 things for 35 years

-repaint bedroom and one kitchen wall
-loose 25 pounds
-take a class on something
-finish Japanese Garden
-do 5 sewing projects
@@@@"-work on father stuff
-Speak up 5 times when Nathan gets angry
@@@@@-make one local friend
-make scrapbook of troy's first year
-read 70 books
-Grow some fruits/veggies
-journal at least once a week
-organize recipes
-do 12 collages
-try 1 new creative thing
-learn to knit (or at least try it)
@@@@@-get a job
-recipes of nana's and her mom's into computer
-talk to people at Troy's library school
-finish 3 cross stitch pieces
- frame the garden bugs
-use a power tool to make a project
-learn to use a new power tool
@@@@-plant some things in the front yard
-read 5 spiritual books
- write and send letter to collective
-work through mindfulness book
-try one new thing
- go to at least one cross stitch monthly stitch in
-speak my mind 5 times when I have something to say
@@@@-see nana and pap
-meditate every other day
-do 10 things right away instead of procrastinating them
-read 10 books from our shelves
-

thankful thursday

As part of my new mindbloom 'game of life' thing, I am restarting thankful thursday............

I am thankful-

-our birthday is finally here- mimi is so very excited
-mimi is aging this year, that is so awesome
-not letting mother ruin our birthday even though we won't get her gift until late, which she knows we need to get the ipod we have been saving for for months
-Troy
-cross-stitch
-life
-books
-birthday cake
-love

34 things in 34 years- finaly tally

14/34- not even half. Not very impressive, but I did some things, some of them hard ones, so that is okay.  Some we started to put into works, but decided against them for now.

purple- did
red- in process
Tell Carolyn at least 5 memories  (We told Carolyn lots of memories.)
-talk about 'hell week' at least once-(spendt lots of time talking about it)
-take a quilting class
-take steps to get a job or go back to school(talked about fears in therapy, redid my resume, actively looking for a job)
-add a second dog(talked about it, decided we are getting a puppy, but not until next year, or the following)
-painting hall and ceilings(took way too long but it is done)
-repaint bedroom and kitchen
-loose all of or most of remaining 40 lbs(have lost 15 of the remaining pounds. Have had some bumps on the road)
-continue to go to gym(although I had a few starts and stops, part medical, part not, We are really enjoying it.)
-work up to adding a day of cardio
-make one local friend
-take up carpet and refinish rest of floors-wood is already underneath
-read at least a book a week(not literally a book a week, but have read more than 52 books, so I am counting it)
- make a scrapbook of at least 1 page a month for T's first year
-see nana and pap(saw them at christmas, it was hard but glad we did it)
-do art collages that don't have to do with healing or memories(this was fun, it is something we really need to do more of)
-finish 2 quilts
- practice freemotion quilting
- find new homes for 10 stuffies(harder than we thought, we have the ones we are giving away in a pile, but just having troubles deciding where to take them)
-finish mistress of wolves-(didn't work on it as much as I wanted, but it is getting there)
- get 1/4 done with japanese garden(this has been a focus piece this year, I am past 1/4 done)
-grow some veggies in spring/summer(took steps to this- we cleared out the back brush and the land is all ready to grow veggies next year)
-take one exercise class- or something non-quilt related
-do 3 small cross-stitches-(did 4 smalls that I put on one piece of fabric, plus an ornament for halloween)
-do 5 sewing projects that are not quilting(made a pillow, and a bunch of gifts for the kids for christmas)
-volunteer
-Learn to use circular saw then use it for something(Used it to make some shelves. It was fun and empowering, as well as something I plan to do more of)
-orgaize printed recipes
-organize recipes online
-say no 3 times when I feel pressured to do what I don't want to do
-take pictures of nature not just of troy
-read 3 non fiction books(I read a fair amount of nonfiction books this year.  I have really enjoyed them)
-keep up with our dream journal(did not do this, but we did talk about the ones that stuck with us with carolyn, which is the purpose of the dream journal so we are counting this as done)

Panic

Feeling panicky at the moment.  Panicky. I hate that, detest that. I'd like to cut, then it will be better. Troy though is getting at that age when he notices and I don't want to teach him that.  I am trying so very hard and that is all I can do. Carolyn (therapist) says it is ok if I end up doing it, To forgive myself and begin again. Says it is a process.

Talked to her today. she said to not worry about insurance, that we will figure it out. That is such a relief as that was a huge worry the past few days.

So panic.    Just have to ride it out. That is most important thing we have learned. The more we try to put it off, the more we try to push it away, the worse it gets. 

Health Insurance

Every year, and I do mean EVERY year nathans health insurance changes. I am so very sick of it. In the months after Troy was born, I finally found a therapist. Not just a therapist the right one for me. We work hard in therapy and it is helping.

Yet every time insurance changes we have to face the idea for months that Carolyn may not be on the approved list.  What right do companies have to tell me who I can and can't see? What gives them that right? I pay money for insurance? I don't tell them what I will and won't pay?? Yet they have all the power (and there is the trigger)

This January, the insurance wouldn't cover Carolyn even after she called and asked to be on their list, apparently they had enough Therapists in her area (WTF??)  So if I wanted to go it would be out of pocket...........  The big issue? There was an 800$ deductible to meet first............

I don't remember exactly how, but we worked it out with her.  So we could keep going. I think our copay is 20 but we pay 30 towards that 800$ and she told them we paid it already or something, I dunno.  Anyways..........

This next year will be very different, in that........ and i'm not super clear on the details, neither is nathan, but we pay money that goes into an account, then we get a card with a percentage of that money, we can see whomever we want (that's good) but there is again a deductible of either 500 or 800 to meet before they pay anything.  I'm also unclear on what happens if our needs exceeds whatever the account has in it.  When you consider the cost of therapy- 125$ a week before insurance x the weeks in the year, even taking off some for vacations and holidays, well it is likely to be higher than whatever we pay into an account.  Either that or we won't be able to afford the account-another huge worry as nathan can't seem to find out how much this is going to cost.  

Ugh.  What are we going to do if we have to stop seeing carolyn??

Meagan

mi fet

n da bigs sumtymz don lisen an sit wen da fets hert den i git tigrd an uset
an dat b no niyc

n da big noz gi mayd me stan on mi tipi toz
sa ifn i wana run wa i pa fo dat
but i no tri run wa
i no no wot he tawk bowt
n i hafta stan on tipi toz fo ebr
n i do dat lon lon lon tiym
den tawk ta carlin an se hep me lern ta b on mi flats
n dat be niyc
n jis wan fets no hert
n jist b tigrd an uset

tipi

facebook- no wait this isn't a complaint

Seriously it isn't. I only use facebook from my phone. I have hated the computer version for awhile. So confusing.  I don't download updates automatically for it on my phone, so nothing has changed.

This means, I have no idea what people are talking about, and i'm okay with that.

little annoyance

know what annoys me?? Blogs that I go to and music comes on.  If I wanted music I would put it on. I don't want to read your blog to the music you like. I most likely don't like it. Not to mention I do most of my blog reading when Troy is in bed. I don't want music suddenly blarring out, nor should I have to mute my computer to keep that from happening.  It is even worse when It PLAYS over the Steelers game I am listening to online.  ARGH!