Leaving on saturday for hometown. Feeling increasingly nervous which we expected. Also feeling not alone.... We have talked a lot about it in therapy and Carolyn had said many times that she is just a phone call away, we can set up a phone appointment if needed. Nathan is of course a phone or text away as well.
We also have some ways to deal with certain situations we fear will come up with mother. We have written down with carolyn's help things to say in each situation.
We feel prepared, but still nervous and I think that is to be expected.
This will be the first time back in that town without nathan. Actually the first time away from nathan since early in our dating, over 10 years ago.
I think it will be good for us. Lately we feel.......... I dunno more friends with Nathan than husband/wife. Along with increasingly bothered by his anger at what seems to be everything.
So no internet there. Well at nana and paps house anyways. Of course McD's has wifi and other places. And we do plan to go there some to get online, as it is part of our self care....
Hoping to learn more about mother and nana/pap while we are there. We realize how little we know about her life. We finally are at a place in healing where we can see her as a person and not a mother who failed us.
It's weird that place has a pull. It's like a vortex that pulls us in and down. yuck. There are so few good things about that city, but one of them a dear friend, the best friend we've ever had is in the area and we will be seeing her which will be great. We are looking forward to it. We just wish we were going in two weeks later so we could go to her wedding, but mother can't get off work then.
Meagan
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Dalai Lama
I've always had this fascination with the Dalai Lama. Since I found out about his existence. I'm not sure what it is. I have several times tried to read about him, about Buddhism.......... I always have ended up having strange reactions to it. I choose to take that as I just wasn't ready. My soul wasn't ready.
I'm trying again. This time- 'My Spiritual Journey' The Dalai Lama. I'm not far in......... About 11 pages. And something has struck me already. He talks about Love-about how part of our existence makes us need love. He goes on to write about parents... How they had to love us, care for us properly for our brain to grow properly. That hit me. I didn't have the first thing I needed. The love of my parents.
It's left me really? Unsure how to love. Uncomfortable with love.
Meagan
I'm trying again. This time- 'My Spiritual Journey' The Dalai Lama. I'm not far in......... About 11 pages. And something has struck me already. He talks about Love-about how part of our existence makes us need love. He goes on to write about parents... How they had to love us, care for us properly for our brain to grow properly. That hit me. I didn't have the first thing I needed. The love of my parents.
It's left me really? Unsure how to love. Uncomfortable with love.
Meagan
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I'm Just a Doe....: Juliet: My Greatest Life Lesson
I'm Just a Doe....: Juliet: My Greatest Life Lesson: "Seven years ago this morning, Juliet Pearl, my 4th daughter, died at our home. For those of you who dont know the circumstance, she suffer..."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Therapy and altoona
We are at the library. Today was therapy day so the afternoon is ours to ourselves. We decided to bring the computer to catch up online. It is nice, though a bit open feeling. Paranoid everyone is reading as I write, but in reality nobody is even looking at me or near me.
Therapy was hard today. We talked about the trip we are taking to Altoona in 3 weeks. We are taking Troy but Nathan is not coming. We will be with the mother(yikes) for two weeks. Helping to pack up nana and paps things, closing the house down.
We really need to do this, and as Carolyn said we are at a spot when we can do this. Not sure we could have a few months ago.
IT was one of the few safe spaces we had when growing up (the library being the other). So it really is important to us to do this. Carolyn thought it made sense that we have to go say bye to the house- bye to the city really as we aren't sure we will ever go back. In essence really we have to go scoop up those good memories and bring them with us.
Being with the mother will be hard maybe, who knows. Time will tell. Carolyn said we will set up a phone session in case we need to talk, to process or whatever. THat is great we think.
So ya altoona. Where we grew up. For a long time we couldn't say that. Couldn't say here the name of the city. It was fear really. fear of being found, fear of the unknown. But no more.
I said it was just a place, no need to fear it, but carolyn said it is more than a place. She said it is our pool of crap- our cesspool. And it is, it was a place of profound loneliness for us. Of pain and sorrow and it isn't easy to go back. It has only a few good memories and only a few good people.
We aren't sure what those two weeks will bring us, but we know we will be okay. Know we have the tools to cope. And that matters, that is great.
Nana and pap helped us so much. We really need to help them in this way.
We don't know that we will have an internet connection. The house doesn't even have cable anymore. But there is a mc Donalds near. We will go there daily to get online. It will be part of our self care. Carolyn reminded us how important self care will be while we are there.
Meagan
Therapy was hard today. We talked about the trip we are taking to Altoona in 3 weeks. We are taking Troy but Nathan is not coming. We will be with the mother(yikes) for two weeks. Helping to pack up nana and paps things, closing the house down.
We really need to do this, and as Carolyn said we are at a spot when we can do this. Not sure we could have a few months ago.
IT was one of the few safe spaces we had when growing up (the library being the other). So it really is important to us to do this. Carolyn thought it made sense that we have to go say bye to the house- bye to the city really as we aren't sure we will ever go back. In essence really we have to go scoop up those good memories and bring them with us.
Being with the mother will be hard maybe, who knows. Time will tell. Carolyn said we will set up a phone session in case we need to talk, to process or whatever. THat is great we think.
So ya altoona. Where we grew up. For a long time we couldn't say that. Couldn't say here the name of the city. It was fear really. fear of being found, fear of the unknown. But no more.
I said it was just a place, no need to fear it, but carolyn said it is more than a place. She said it is our pool of crap- our cesspool. And it is, it was a place of profound loneliness for us. Of pain and sorrow and it isn't easy to go back. It has only a few good memories and only a few good people.
We aren't sure what those two weeks will bring us, but we know we will be okay. Know we have the tools to cope. And that matters, that is great.
Nana and pap helped us so much. We really need to help them in this way.
We don't know that we will have an internet connection. The house doesn't even have cable anymore. But there is a mc Donalds near. We will go there daily to get online. It will be part of our self care. Carolyn reminded us how important self care will be while we are there.
Meagan
Sunday, July 24, 2011
sick and scared
feeling nauseous and sick and scared.
was going to catch up on a DID board/forum
Gonna go watch pluto instead.
was going to catch up on a DID board/forum
Gonna go watch pluto instead.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
numb=dissociation
was writing on a different place and realized we feel numb. Being it was a DID forum, they commented numb= dissociation. That is excactly how we feel.
dissociated. It's been awhile since we've felt this way to this level.
Wondering if it is bad to feel this way. First Sierra and then we learn that a cross-stitch friend who had a heart double lung transplant 18 months ago- passed suddenly on monday. And we wonder is that enough to warrant feeling this way? Or not feeling I guess is better way to say it.
Guess in reality it doesn't matter. It is what it is. Troy's needs are met. He is happy, The house is taken care of.. We are functionable and dealing with this stuff best we can. We haven't cut or burned and that matters a lot.
We are taking our sleeping med nightly but that is okay. We aren't drinking either.
dissociated. It's been awhile since we've felt this way to this level.
Wondering if it is bad to feel this way. First Sierra and then we learn that a cross-stitch friend who had a heart double lung transplant 18 months ago- passed suddenly on monday. And we wonder is that enough to warrant feeling this way? Or not feeling I guess is better way to say it.
Guess in reality it doesn't matter. It is what it is. Troy's needs are met. He is happy, The house is taken care of.. We are functionable and dealing with this stuff best we can. We haven't cut or burned and that matters a lot.
We are taking our sleeping med nightly but that is okay. We aren't drinking either.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sierra is gone
Sometimes something thappens and you just don't know how to put it into words. Just don't know how to committ it to paper, don't want to committ it to paper.
We don't all know about each other or even ourselves. I think that is part of the DID experience for us. Sierra was around for so long............ One 'report' said since the original died. We've only begun to get information recently since sSierra began talking to Carolyn. Born under a tree. Around a looong time, close to the first. Always been a front, no a host, the host,
We know she's tired, exhausted, been talking of mergeing- with me meagan. Not sure what was h0olding her up. Thought she was doing okay, but then saturday...................
We found out she had charged a lot on the cc that was just paid off. It is 300 away from the limit again. We weren't sure that day what she got. Food she said, stuff to keep the stock going since she knows the year will be tight. She was sooo upset. In tears out here all day. Nathan said he was upset but not angry at her. In some ways I think that made it worse for her.
That night- nathan came in late told me sierra was in trouble and to go the tree inside..............
Turns out that she wrote him some sort of text. Gonna borrow his phone to record that here.............
I'll put it here when I get it.........Phone charging and sincie I've taken ambien I only have so much time before I get loopy.
Boiled down to Sierra isn't coming back, she went in to kill herself. She was found by someone and talken to Eaglweings where she still is.
Feeling so confused about all this.
She didn't say bye and that hurts.
Ya dat hert mi hart sad an no undrstan-mimi
Nathan said she didn't want us to talk her out of it, that is why she didn't say bye. And we would have but no note??? Nathan got a note? She left Troy 2 stuffies, but us? We get nothing. It's like we meant nothing to her, and that hurts.
Maybe we relyied on her too much. Maybe we let her do too muchf or us that we could have done ourselves, but it made her happy so it seemed.
We miss her, and feel like we have lost a piece, an important piece.
What she did was stupid- spending that money. But she meant well and didn't do it all herself. VACA was on there, a month food, clothes for us. Still I found stuff today I know she was spending, A load of cross-stitch charts, and magazines.
I just feel sad. Sad she is gone. So does Nathan. If you talked to the body online you knew Sierra. She may have thought she was worthless but she was worth a lot to us.
She is still with eaglewings. Very upset that she didn't get to die. Adamant that she will die, wants to die, has to. She's in bad shape. I don't think she'll ever be back front. I don't know her fate. I hope she merges, we need her skills, but at this point she refuses.
Meagan
We don't all know about each other or even ourselves. I think that is part of the DID experience for us. Sierra was around for so long............ One 'report' said since the original died. We've only begun to get information recently since sSierra began talking to Carolyn. Born under a tree. Around a looong time, close to the first. Always been a front, no a host, the host,
We know she's tired, exhausted, been talking of mergeing- with me meagan. Not sure what was h0olding her up. Thought she was doing okay, but then saturday...................
We found out she had charged a lot on the cc that was just paid off. It is 300 away from the limit again. We weren't sure that day what she got. Food she said, stuff to keep the stock going since she knows the year will be tight. She was sooo upset. In tears out here all day. Nathan said he was upset but not angry at her. In some ways I think that made it worse for her.
That night- nathan came in late told me sierra was in trouble and to go the tree inside..............
Turns out that she wrote him some sort of text. Gonna borrow his phone to record that here.............
I'll put it here when I get it.........Phone charging and sincie I've taken ambien I only have so much time before I get loopy.
Boiled down to Sierra isn't coming back, she went in to kill herself. She was found by someone and talken to Eaglweings where she still is.
Feeling so confused about all this.
She didn't say bye and that hurts.
Ya dat hert mi hart sad an no undrstan-mimi
Nathan said she didn't want us to talk her out of it, that is why she didn't say bye. And we would have but no note??? Nathan got a note? She left Troy 2 stuffies, but us? We get nothing. It's like we meant nothing to her, and that hurts.
Maybe we relyied on her too much. Maybe we let her do too muchf or us that we could have done ourselves, but it made her happy so it seemed.
We miss her, and feel like we have lost a piece, an important piece.
What she did was stupid- spending that money. But she meant well and didn't do it all herself. VACA was on there, a month food, clothes for us. Still I found stuff today I know she was spending, A load of cross-stitch charts, and magazines.
I just feel sad. Sad she is gone. So does Nathan. If you talked to the body online you knew Sierra. She may have thought she was worthless but she was worth a lot to us.
She is still with eaglewings. Very upset that she didn't get to die. Adamant that she will die, wants to die, has to. She's in bad shape. I don't think she'll ever be back front. I don't know her fate. I hope she merges, we need her skills, but at this point she refuses.
Meagan
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