Commit To sit- thoughts

I am really struggling with this. *sigh* I'm feeling angry/upset about it as well.

I had such hopes that this would be what the body has been craving.  But it somehow is not.   I guess I expected to jump in and it would go well and i'd have some insight or something.

Instead.........

I can't seem to make myself do the mid-day meditation.  I don't know what it is. The few days I did do it- I really got a lot out of it. I felt calmer in the afternoon. So what is holding me back??? 

The evening meditation is just strange...... I end up feeling angry.  Enraged even.  I have no idea where it is coming from (or who?)  or why or what to do with it. It's almost as though this wall of rage comes and I can't see past it, can't feel beyond it.  I just close down with the rage.  

In writing this I had hopes that I'd get some sort of clarification and I have.   A few actually. 

We do already meditate as we need to, we get what we need to out of it. What we need from this month is something else.   Something that we have been neglecting, or missing or something.   Journaling and art is the answer.  The missing piece.   What we need is not to meditate (we do need to explore the afternoon mediation though) but to do more journaling, more art.  


Also I am part of a group in one body. We may not have the need to talk about it as much anymore.  We may even be having some mergings...... but we still are a we. Still switch, etc. I need to realize that not everyone is able to meditate. Not everyone wants to do this.  I can't expect them too.


I feel better having written this.  Much better.   I got caught up in what the article said to do. Lost track of what Satia said.   That was my mistake.


Sierra

Commit To sit- day 1

As I said in my previous post Commit to sit started today.  While  I'm not sure I will post every day, I will post when I feel the need.

I am not meditating in the morning as with a toddler, the morning is a busy time. I do my first meditation at nap time.  

I was a bit annoyed at nap as I had other things to do. Seems always to be that way- i'm sure you can relate.   I tried to meditate sitting up but for whatever reason that just doesn't work for us....... So laying down I went.   At first it was hard to stop thinking of all I should be doing, but before long all was quiet in my mind........ no easy feat when you live with a head full of people.  Anyways

I had trouble with the meditating on the subject of breath. When we meditate we do so to clear our head, to be silent, quiet, to just be. So trying to meditate on a subject didn't really work.   What I ended up doing is picturing the word breath in my head and just holding it there while I meditating. 

Fast forward to tonight-  A book caught my attention at the library- "Adventures in mixed Media".  Anyone who has read this blog for any time knows we love to collage.    I was inspired after not long.  I ended up creating a collage using 'breath'. 

I just thought of breath.  Repeated it to myself as I created my collage.   My intention was not to do this until next weekend. To incorporate collage into my weekend meditation sessions.   But I went with it anyways. Why push aside what was wanting to break free.

So here is what I ended up with-

I think I'm just going to count that as my nightly meditation session.  I will likely meditate anyways as we do so before bed.

Commit To sit

I'm doing Commit to sit with Satia,  starting July 1.  Anyone is welcome to join in.

I find that I am  quite excited about it.  Others are too in here I think. 

We are changing it a bit to fit out needs. We aren't sticking strictly with meditation. We will meditate daily as that is something we need to do more, but we will also do some collaging, perhaps some walking.  

We plan to write about the experience daily.

There is other stuff going on to write about but another time. 

Sierra

I've always felt I didn't belong to anyone or anything. I was an outcast, even the outcasts thought I was strange I think.

I didn't have friends until high school. Jr. High was very very long for me, until I met Penny right before 9th grade. Before Penny- I talked to, looked at noone all day. On weekends when friends did things, I went to my nana and paps house.

Lonliness is really the theme of those years, that and outcast. I drank. Vodka in drink containers.

Who does belong?? I used to think that I just had to say or do or wear the right thing, then suddenly I would belong. Now that wasn't ever going to happen. THere is no right thing, no right word.

I am different I am a we, I suffered abuse bad enough to cause splits in my mind. And yes abuse is subjective..... Still it was bad enough for me. That makes my life different than all others. I was different, thus how I felt. I got used to it I guess.

Maybe I even loved that being different for awhile. I was abused- i'm different than you, special.

But now?? I will always be abused, No I will always carry that with me, But it won't be a visible part of me, won't be what all see immediately. What then I won'der will they see. What would I want them to see? I have no idea. It's soemthjing Im suppoosed to journal/think on for therapy. Also am to dialogue with Cheyenne. Hopefully the other thing, will come back to me.

I feel like i've lost my identity as the survivor/victim/healing person

and it's good to loose that identity. It's good to not need to wear it ALL THE TIME anymore. I keep it handy as I know I am not done with it totally.

Now Though I feel naked, raw to the world, exposed in every way. With no idea what to do or where to turn.

I have this life, hubby, child, pets. I am wife, mom, not for me though. Titles I take on for the benefit of others. What about me??? What am i for me? I am a reader and a cross-stitcher, an exerciser. Those aren't me though are they?? Just things I like. So then what and where is me????

Thoughts anyone?

I don't know if I have a porpose. Maybe not.

changes

changes are hard, the system is changing.

Not sure what to say about it.

profound

There is something profound about this.  It is the hard truth.  The hard reality.   The truth is that it is often easier to have an excuse. Easier to not find a way, easier to stay with whatever it is. Easier to not try.

Truth is that if we really want something we will find a way. And that is true. There are countless things that we simple refused to accept anything other than what we wanted- anything but finding a way, and we did find a way.

There are also many occasions when there is always an excuse. Always some reason why we can't.. Truth is that we are what is standing in our way.  Truth is that change can be scary. Admitting that we want to continue to cut. Admitting that we don't want to give that up is harder than saying- others inside won't, or it is addictive.

Truth is that it is easier to say that the abuse kept us living in the past. And we honestly believed that for many years. But the truth? The truth was that we kept us living in the past. By not facing things, by not allowing memories to come out.

I think this is easier to see in other people than in ourselves. We all know those people who act like they want advice, want to change, but then there is always a reason why they can't.   Perhaps I was one for awhile.  I'm not now- we aren't now. We are trying to face the truths. If we don't face them we can't continue to move forward.

inspiration quotes and thoughts

This is sucha  beautiful and important reminder. Society it seems pushes us to compete against each other.  Just look at the popularity of sports. It exists everywhere- schools, work, everywhere.

This reminds us that we compete only against ourselves. Society though pushes us, convinces us that it is better to compete. That is the way to greatness, the answer if you will.

Only it leaves ones feeling less than. Feeling that we don't stack up. That we can't compare.  Know what? We can't. We can't compare to anyone else. We aren't anyone else. Nobody else is like us.  Noone else is exactly like us (identical twins excluded) so of course nobody reacts to anything like we do.

I see people walking down the street, and I start to think- they are walking faster, they are thinner, they are blah blah blah..It is so easy to get lost in that train of thought.

But what about this........  They may be walking faster but I am walking faster than I did when I started- A 21 minute mile while pushing a 25 pound baby and a who knows how heavy stroller.  It used to take me 35 minutes to walk a mile. Wow- what huge progress.

Or what about this-- who cares how fast that person walks. I am walking, and that is all that matters.  I am not competing with her, or anyone. It isn't a contest. It is fitness, it is health. It is for me.  For us.