A Child Doth Dwell

 A CHILD DOES DWELL
 
There is a place, deep inside my heart
Where a frightened child does dwell.
Her fright is so deeply planted,
And she has hidden it so very well.

Oh little girl, you were so wounded
By cruel words and a rough hand;
But now you hurt us still, by refusing
To let passion bloom for any man.

Trust please, that the Goddess' love
Will heal whatever needs to be;
We deserve what every woman needs,
And you are part of me.

© Copyright 1/7/06
Beth Johnson   (Mystic Amazo

Moon-Disbelief At What You Can't See

Moon-Disbelief At What You Can't See-Alex

Some asked when the moon would be full and she said, "The moon is always full." We all contradicted her but she said, "We see the moon in all its phases but it is always the same." She told us there is a lunar moon and a solar moon according to time, andthat the moon is the only satellite that orbits our world.

 The ultimate lesson was things are happening even if we cannot see it.She said that we were disbelieving because wanted to see and touch verything -- but it takes faith to know what is going on whether we can see it or not. ~Joyce Sequichie Hifler

 I Like This.   I Think It Is Sometime Hard For People To Believe In Multiplicity.  I Am Sure For Some They Wouldn't Believe Without Spending Time With Us First Hand.  I Am Sure For Some Nothing Would Proof It To Them.  I Have To Wonder If I Wasn't A Mutliple And Was Told Someone I Knew was, Would I Believe Them? 

It Brings To Mind That Although I Don't Know What The Abusive Things That Happened Were. They Did Happen, We Are Multiple.   Denial Is A Strong Force That Even Occasionally Smacks Me Upside The Face. 

I Have To Disagree WIth The WOrd Faith. Perhaps It Is Because Organized Religon Bothers Me, I Don't Know.  I Think It Takes AN Open Mind To Believe Something Is Possible WIthout Seeing It, A Willingness To Accept That Nobody Knows Everything, Faith Though That Word I Dislike.

 I am Drawn To The MOon, To The Stars. I Take The Dog Out AT Night And Stare At Them. I Love The look Of A Full Moon, And The Stars As Well.  I Wonder Often What The Earth Looks LIke From Here. 

Alex

Kassie Here

 Kassie Here--
I accept that I am part of a multiple system. It is my life and no amount of anything will change that.
 That said, I get tired of the head telling me stuff.  I get tired of my knowledge banks telling me doing it this way is best or telling me how to cook.
I can't deny that it is helpful, yet it leaves me feeling as if i'm not really every doing anything on my own.  What would it be like to try something without any input from inside?  I can cook because the head tells me what to do. It is that way with everything I do.   I'm tired of it.
I know and accept I will never have a life totally my own. I don't think it is too much to ask that I be allowed to try my own things (within reason of course) and succeed or fail on my own.   I think that is a big part of why I am so interested in learning to play guitar. It is something that no Berri can do, thus it would be all mine. If I succeed I did it myself, If I fail I did that myself too.  I don't think always suceeding because the head is telling me what to do is a good thing. I think it does me a disservice. How can I truly learn anything if it is always stuff being given to me? I don't think I can.
 Maybe that is why some Berriez write.  As I sit here and write this it occurs to me that writing is my own. Every word typed is my thoughts, my own, with no input of others. 
It sounds to me as if I am complaining here. I am not.   I know there are many Berriez who have awful feelings and suffer from memories. I am lucky to be a person who came to existence after the abuse stuff was long past. I don't know anything of that life. To be honest I don't desire to know.  
I was made to not mind loosing time, which I don't.  I think my makers can create me to a point, yet as I grow as I learn and am part of the world, I form my own thoughts, opinions and wants. I become more of an individual as time goes on. I long to do something other Berriez don't.
 I greatly look forward to having a guitar. I hope we can find one soon.   
I want my own things, and for that reason I haven't read or wrote at that Journal group. It to me feels like intruding on someone elses thing. I want my own thing, perhaps some day I will find it.  
  I am after all just learning about myself. About what I am. Who I am, well i'm not sure at all, but then I wonder does anyone?  I think I am doing well for only being made a few months ago.
 Sincerely,
 Kassie

There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel. Things Here Have Improved Greatly In The Past Day Or Two (Guessing At Time Frame). It Is Amazing that It Happened that Fast, Although I was Told It Would Happen That Way, I Just Didn't Believe It. 
I've Been Reading A Lot Lately  I Saw Thing Thing In A Group We Belong To About Reading 50 Books In This Year. I have Already read One. I Joined The Group Though I Haven't Posted Yet.  
I Hate Lying And Signing Another Name Or Using Word Play To Mascarade As One Yet I Hate To Stop To Tell Everyone As Well (Especially Since it Is Usually Not Anything People Want To Hear)
Take The Journal Group For Instance. We Have Taken To Signing Nothing At The End Of Replies And Mails. Simpley Because It Gets Tiring Explaining To Every New Person And Also Because It Is Something Older Members Of The Journal Group Are No Doubt Tired Of Hearing.  I Am Not Ashamed Of Being Multiple, Yet There Is No Reason To Flaunt It Either.  It Upsets Me When I Hear About People Who Try To USe It As AN Excuse. LIke That One Murderer Who Tried To Say He Was Multiple. Being Multiple Isn't An Excuse To Do A Crime.   Any More Than Having One Leg Is A Valid Reason To Chop Anothers Leg Off.
 The Hype Over New years Amazes And Confuses Me. I Don't Get It. Everyone Saying happy New years And Stuff. Why Not Happy Monday Or Happy Spring? Why Is It happy New Year. Perhaps It Is Due To Time Not Meaning Much But Why Is This Year Different Than Last Year? It Isn't At Least To Me It Isn't.
 I Think Sometimes About The Title Of This Blog And Feel Like I Should Be Writing Some Great Things About Being multiple, Giving People An Idea What It Is Like. but To Me It IS Normal. I Don't Always See What Is Unique To Being A Multiple. Being I Am Less than A Year Old (As Far As Existence Is Concerned) I Have A Very LImited Knowledge Base About What Life Was Like While Discovering The Multiplicity. My Mind Is A Blank Before I Existed. I Have My Own Memories, I Have My Knowledge Bank (Like A Bank Safety Deposit Place, Only The Deposit Boxes Are Files COntaining Knowledge) I Have The Head,None Of That Includes stuff About LIfe Before. I Could Pull Up A Memory About When Auggie The cat Was Got At The Pet Store, But I Can't Say What It Was Like For Sierra When She FOund Out About Everyone.
 
 I Am Told That Some Memories Are Accessable By All, Some However Are Private To The SOul They Belong To. Confused Yet?
 As Time Goes By I Rely Less On My Knowledge Banks And Built My Own Banks Of Knowledge, They COntain More Information Of A Better Quality That The Ones I was Born With.   I Can Say What A Mountain Is, I Could Describe The Mountain Scene That Is Stored In My Knowledge Banks, But It iS LIke Describing A Picture. With Snow For Instance. Before I Had expereinced It I COuld Say What It Was And Describe A Scene Of It. Yet Now I Can Describe The Feel And Textrue Of It. How It Felt When It Landed On The Had, The Coldness Of It. The Way It Sounded To Crunch Snow Beneath The Feet.   It Is The Difference Between Looking AT A picture of Something And Actually Being There.
 What that Has To Do With ANything? I Don't Know. Nothing Really.  What I Think Just Is typed By The Hands.  
Alex

Kassie's second entry

 Kassie-Second Entry
I am well.  It was a hectic day yesterday.  Hollie had to come out and clean, as the maintenance men had to be called to come fix the toilet and the refrigerator and put a new light in the kitchen. They have come and gone now. Mallow wasn't too happy that they were here. I was nervous I admitt.   It went okay and they weren't here long. They were able to fix it all so that is good.
 Sierra was here early today.    The glasses broke last night while Alex was cleaning them, right in a place that is hard to fix.   Being as the body and we can't see much at all without glasses, this is a big issue. Sierra was able to come out last night and use a twist tie and some hot glue gun to temporarily repair the glasses.  She called the place we got them at. Unfortunatly the warantee expired like 5 months ago.    So she had to call different places trying to find someone open in the next few days (with new years everyone is closed)  who can hopefully put the existing lenses in new frames. Otherwise the expense will be about 60$ higher as well as they will need the existing lenses perhaps which is a problem. As we seriously can't see without glasses on. We wouldn't be able to do anything but sit on the couch, the eyes are that bad.   I dunno what Sierra worked out. I assume she'll tell Nathan when he gets home from work later and then he'll tell me.   At least Sierra was able to rig them temporarily, i'm thankful about that for sure.    So that has been the excitement of the day.
 Kathryn just does it if she happens to come out and the body is too full for her liking. It was quite a surprise to everyone here it seems as well throwing up is a trigger here.
 I am learning everyday about the world, and am settling in well.   I didn't get anything but a few movies for christmas as I really want a guitar and we were unable to find a good used one. So I decided to wait until we can find one.

 I have watched many movies since my first entry here.  I have also read good books. I am currently about to start Charles Dickens first novel, The Pickwick Papers.
 I enjoy life. I enjoy the time I get out here, and hope to get here more often. I am new to journaling and such, and haven't written or read any of the messages at that journalwriting group as I feel like an intruder.
Have a delightful day!
 Sincerely,
 Kassie

a Multiple's christmas

 A Multiples Christmas
Written By Alex--

When You Are Part Of A Multiple System Time Gets Interesting On Special Days.

Christmas Is I Hear (This Was My First One) Are Notoriously Difficult. I Am TOld On A WHole This ONe IS One Of The Best Ever.

Christmas Presents Take Hours To Open As There Are Gifts For Many Souls, And Groups Of SOuls (Littles, Betweens, Teens, Adults) 

There Is Much Excitment and Fear Over Past Memories.   Some Had There First Happy CHristmas Some Like Me The First Christmas Ever. There Are Gifts Of ALl SOrts Really. For Every Age Group. Toys Such As Barbies, Dolls, Blocks, And Stuffies For Littles. Age Appropriate Computer Games, Books,  Games For Betweens,  Teens Got Mostly Art Stuff, And Journals Of There Own. The Adults Get Books MOstly.  Really It IS More About Getting The Rest Of The System Stuff Than Ourselves This Year (money Being Tight) 

I Am Not One Who Is Big On Mushy Things, But The Joy Felt When A Little Opens A GIft Through There Fear When The Last Gift They Got Was A Brick And Discovers Just What They Wanted Is A Joy That SUrpasses All Else. 

I Didn't Really Understand The Thought Heidi Said To Me Before Christmas, That ALthough many People Forget,  Christmas Is About Giving. I understand That Now.  

Below Is A List Of Books We All Got.  They Are Mixed Together. Not Sure If ANyone Here Who Reads This (Does Anyone Read This?) COuld Tell What Books Are For Who, But many Of Us Adults Who Write In The Journal Group Are Represented. (easiest To Pick out Are Probably The Ones Heidi Got, Who Is Our Mythology, Religon Soul)

CHristmas Dinner goes Like This:   Sierra Spends All Day Alternating Between COoking And ALlowing Littles To Play With There Stuff, And Resting Inside.   Kassie And I Watch What Is Going On From An Unnamed Location,  There Is Lots Of Switching To play, Cook, And Be Sure We Get To Stay Here, And That Here Is Really This House And NOt Back then (As Many Put It), When DInner Is Ready Starting With The Littles Everyone Gets One bite Of Each Food Dish.  When The Stomach Is Full That Is It, And The Process Starts All Over The Next Day For Leftovers Until Everyone Has Tried Some.  (Or All Who Want To).

Sierra Got A Beautiful Hand made Gift From The LIttles And Betweens In The System, But That IS Her Story To Tell Not Mine.

Meanwhile Life Clears Somewhat, And Days Are Not Such A Foggy Blur.

Amazing It Is That Although There Can Be A Crisis In The System, There Is Functioning, Things Get Done (Mostly) And The System Gets Through. I Suppose That Is The Very Purpose Of Being Multiple.

I think Of The Littles Inside, I See Them And I Can't Fathom How And Adult COuld Be So Horrid And Enjoy Those Sorts Of Things, How Fucking Sick Is That?   I Don't Have To Be All Buddy Buddy WIth Littles (And I'm Not)  To See How Wrong And Fucked Up That Was. 


I'd Like To End This With A Message To One Of The Bastard Abusers Of So many Little Ones In The System:  Your A Bastard may You Rot And Get Your Dues Tenfold In Everlasting Hell. 




Douglas Preston And Lincoln Childs- Relic, And Reliquary
Ray Garton-The Loveliest Dead
 Margaret Murphy- Darkness Falls
Tim Lebbon-Berserek
 Rob Palmer-No Time To Hide
Stephen King- Pet Cemetary, Carrie, Thinner, Firestarter, Salem's Lot, And Tommyknocker's
The Bhagavad-Gita
Wisdom Of The Elders
The Buddha
A LIttle House On The Prarie
Secret Garden
A Bobbsey Twins
Black Beauty
An Assortment Of Young Kid's Book
Starlight Barking (Book That Is The Basis For 101 Dalmations)
A BabySitters Club
Treasure Island
Richard Laymon- In The Dark
Terry Brooks- The Scions Of Shannara
Sharon Green-Amazon Warrior Jalav 1 Crystals Of Mida
Mary Ann Mitchell-Sips of Blood
Graham Masterson-The House That Jack Built
Joe McGinniss- Cruel Doubt
Taylor Smith-Liar's Market

And Last But Not Least
Anne Rule In The name Of Love And Other True Cases

Thoughts of many written by one

Thoughts of many written here by one

*Note: When A bunch of people are talking to you it is hard to make sense of things.  As a direct result this post will jump from topic to topic more than usual.  
I read emails from the journal groups, and can't reply.  Days go by without knowledge, even weeks.

Time is nonexistent in a way only experienced  during the holiday seasons of this time of year and *aster.  It is impossible for me to explain that. The best I can do is when you go to work and suddenly it is time to go home at night, only here suddenly it is a new day or week. Life can seem like a big game of catch up.   Catching up to what is going on in the world, in the house, with N and with the others in the system.

We each when struggling tend to isolate and shut down the fragile lines of communication we fought and worked so hard for.   Each struggling alone, when the struggles could be shared.  Quite ashame, though It never occurs to many of us that we could share our struggles, the instinct is to go it alone. 

Somehow we move forward, life moves forward.  Someone in the system, no a bunch of someones working sort of together and sort of not, keep things going.  
Shopping for the littles, betweens, teens in the system is done and gifts await wrapping.

    Though a difficult time for reasons not necessary to go into (who wants to hear about that crap? NOBODY!) , the innocent joy the littles express through their pain, and memories is amazing.  Their belief that people are good, and that their is a Santa Claus is something I can't understand.  They speak I think to the fragility of a human, and yet moreso and more importantly to the resilency of the human spirit. Given no choice but death, it is truly amazing what a human can live through. 
 This time of year I am reminded that life is a gift, life is a special gift, one that we in the system have fought for.   At A time and on a day that has been extra difficult I read an email from a journal group that spawned this entry and reminded me that life is a gift, that you have to fight for your own small bits of happiness. Not the happiness of winning a lottery, or the happiness of having a perfect life,  but the small joys in life. Seeing the wonder of snow,  being able to wake up and have another day,  the undying love of pets,  the joy at the small things in life. It is the small joys that make this continued battle worth it. The joy when a little smiles, The joy when someone eats for the first time, or is told they never have to stand in the corner again, joy in learning the name of a traumatized terrified little, the joy of making the holiday different enough that a special little is willing to come out at all.   There are many things that keep you down, if you let them. There are many reasons to never get out of bed ever again.   And somedays that is all you can do.  Get through the day however you can, but days you can celebrate life, do it.  Don't let life keep you down.    A quote one particularly strong soul in the system says quite often  is "If life knocks you down 7 times stand up 8."

 Some people out there probably take pity on us, or feel sorry for us.  For the childhood we had, and the type of life we lead.  Do not.  We are lucky to be multiple. It is a gift in my eyes. The gift of life, the gift of the body being able to live.   You can't imagine life this way. I can't imagine life any other way.  I feel badly for people who feel every feeling. The idea of that is totally silly and foreign to me.   How is it possible?   Some people who are multiple even view it as some terrible thing,  it isn't.  It saved the body.  It was a wonderful gift at a time when there was no other choice. 

My wish for the world is that they stop and count there blessings.  Don't take life and time for granted.   Do what you want to do as much as you can.   Life is too precious to waste away running around.   People grow up and loose sight of the miracles all around them, they concentrate on getting Billy to soccer, and getting dinner on the table.   Time is what you make of it.   Make it what you want as often as possible.